


Fruit that the bird peacks at

by electricpaleblue



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, Existential Crisis, F/F, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Katya is struggling, Katya studies English, Lesbian Katya Zamolodchikova, Literary References & Allusions, Meet-Cute, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Trixie studies linguistics, Useless Lesbians, Vibing, super slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 48,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27738010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricpaleblue/pseuds/electricpaleblue
Summary: Fruit that the bird peacks atno longer matures.Love that doesn't get complicatedgoes away.—Bernardo Ortiz De Montellano"Katya, right?" Trixie, the pink fantasy stopped her before she started walking. She blushed and held her gaze nodding, she didn't know what to expect, she thought that their awkward interaction would unfortunately end there, after all Katya had taken her hand away. “Sorry to bother you when I touched your hand, sorry. It won’t happen again.”"Don't worry, Tracy." Katya mispronounced the name on purpose and Trixie instantly frowned. “There will be no next time because… I died 7 years ago in that seat where you are sitting now. I'm a ghost, nice to meet you.”Trixie giggled again, Jinkx looked interested at her roommate, and Katya just shrugged."As a good Christian girl, my mama always told me to stay away from ghost but I just couldn’t," Trixie said, continuing the joke. “On the other hand, I have no interest in a ghost that haunts a Phonetics class forever.”Katya laughed; she was about to reply when Jinkx interrupted her:"Don't you have a class to go to, Katya? Or do you already prefer linguistics?”
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	1. Do I dare disturb the universe?

**Author's Note:**

> HEYYY HELLO I'll be doing some edits to the chapters and the structure, it'll not be anything noticeable but it may be somewhat confusing to read for a while lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I dare  
> Disturb the universe?  
> In a minute there is time  
> For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.  
> —The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T. S Eliot

Katya had a scattered mind, she had never had trouble remembering a specific detail, she simply lost herself when trying to see the full picture, or rather, she saw it in full when it was too late, this implied changing radically from one day to the next without realizing it until months later, that's why she was always waiting for the next stage of her life to renew herself, when she entered middle school she began to dress completely in black, when she entered high school she cut her hair like Drew Barrymore in the 90's and began to learn French. Now she's starting college and there is something that was falling into place in the back of her mind, but her head was not yet ready to understand it.

Katya thought college was dumb, hard to choose, hard to get into and pay for. She didn't know how it was supposed to last four stable years in the same place. She also didn't know how she was going to adapt to a totally new environment. Just two hours ago she had arrived in her room and met Jinkx, her first year roommate, she was from Portland and was the stereotype of a swamp witch, in fact Katya told her and she only replied:

"And you're not the stereotype of an anxious teenage vampire?"

And at that moment they immediately hit it off, Katya told her how she used to drink her own blood when she was in high school and she didn't exactly get a personal story in response from Jinkx, she rather continued talking about vampires and her own opinion on the taste of blood, their conversation seemed to float on the surface and Katya understood that there was something very similar in the background of their two personalities. Their parents greeted each other and it was not as uncomfortable as Katya had allowed herself to believe it would be, they unpacked similar decorations and they laughed over the same puns, Katya could clearly imagine after a long day of school coming to the dorm and telling Jinkx how her day had been. They started talking about undergraduate degrees and Jinkx mentioned that she would be a linguistics undergraduate, Katya told her that she would be in English program and they laughed.

"How would anyone want to study that?" I understand, study the language and blah blah blah. But what is the point of language if it is not accommodated in a creative text?" Katya asked as she made her bed with her mother's help.

"I have a morbid fascination for the extremely boring, darling, give me a single word and I can analyze it for hours without knowing what it means ..."

"Because you don't know how to read," Katya finished her sentence and they both laughed hysterically.

"You took your time learning how to read, Katya, I don't think you can make fun of it," Katya's mother got into the conversation and the three of them laughed. "Although I do remember that since you were 5 years old you wanted to write a book, you always left pages folded in half with the drawing of the cover, only the cover."

"Wow, I guess Katya doesn't apply the 'don't judge a book by its cover'" Jinkx replied and they laughed again.

It was real what Trish, Katya's mother, had said, Katya for a long time drew the covers of the books she wanted to write without ever writing them, she was around 12 years old when she started writing, she started with terrible stories, then horror stories, then poetry, and she had sticked with poetry. When it came time to choose a career, the decision seemed obvious: English. She liked to read and write, it seemed perfect.

Living with Jinkx was interesting for Katya, they spent their weekend without going out, they took the tour around campus on Saturday but avoided the parties, they started talking about movies and they realized that they had common interests, they started by watching Contact, then Pretty woman, Death becomes her and several others, they all argued about the meaning and the performances and Katya was delighted, she had never had an experience like this where she had so much in common and could speak freely with someone, she supposed that was the college, that's how it was. I had imagined it would be.

On Sunday Katya was finishing hanging her clothes in the closet and took from the bottom of her suitcase the photos that she had brought for her wall, they were photos with her family, landscapes in Boston and photos of her friends Jujubee and Courtney, she pasted the photos In a specific order that he found enjoyable, as if they were paintings in a gallery, earlier she had pasted a poster of The Rocky horror picture show, another of Julia Roberts and some paintings that she had seen on Pinterest, after that she realized that she didn’t hang the photos with her friends. She had always waited for college, that is why she thought that in a way she had never wanted to adapt to high school, Jujubee and Courtney were her only two friends and although she loved them very much they had never had much in common, Katya could never show them her poetry and while Juju and Court were very focused on getting good grades, she wasn't, she was just there. While she was thinking about those things she felt dumb because they were irrelevant things, she loved her friends and she hanged a photo of the three of them on the wall and smiled. She would start a new stage, but she wouldn’t forget what she had lived before because she had lived many things before and she supposed that she needed those experiences.

The first day of school came very quickly, Katya had chosen her outfit the night before, black cuffed jeans, a sheer long-sleeved black top with a black tank top underneath, her good luck red converse and jewelry made by herself of questionable quality, she wore a small doll's hand on each earring and a necklace with a small red apple dangling.

“This necklace and these earrings are the representation of the hands of Adam and Eve and original sin, now I will be the forbidden fruit in the English department.”

"I don't think you can choose to be the forbidden fruit yourself, but who am I to judge? I support you; I will be the snake” Jinkx said as she finished arranging her orange hair in a complicated updo hairstyle. “What do you think?”

Her roommate's outfit was simple but efficient, green silk crop top, long black skirt, and black boots.

  
  
  


"Sounds good to me, maybe you should ask the Ministry of Magic if it's not very revealing that you're a witch, but from there on out it's fine."

  
  


Jinkx laughed and the two left the dorms to stop once outside without knowing where they were going, Jinkx quickly Googled her first class and seemed to understand where she was, helped Katya find hers on her cell phone and said goodbye promising to meet at 10 o'clock for his first classes in the department of English and Linguistics. Katya got lost a bit looking for her Biology class, but she found it by a miracle, later to get to French Jujubee called her to find out how her first day was going and while she was talking on the phone she went into the wrong room where she was he came out when he recognized that the teacher was writing on the board in Spanish.

  
  


She met up with Jinkx and thus they arrived at the department of English and Linguistics; Katya found it impressive but not intimidating, it was built with pure arches and surrounded by grass and flowers, it was a contrast to the rest of the university. Jinkx stood in the center of the garden, closed her eyes, and smiled.

  
  


“This department has good vibes, good things will happen to us in here, but Katya, stay away from the odd numbers… or maybe get closer to them, my intuition it’s telling me something I just don't know what.” After that she accompanied Katya to her classroom after hearing her experiences that she had been lost previously and she said goodbye to her at the door like a cool mom on the first day of school.

  
  


Katya had never really had much trouble adapting to something new, the change was constant and caused by herself in her life and she liked it, for her it was fun to move all the furniture in her room a few inches, or choose to go to university to the totally opposite side of the country. Maybe that's why she hated and feared the beginning of change, she liked to exist at that point where there is already trust with her surroundings, she likes shoes with worn soles and flattened pillows. Maybe that's why he always moves very fast through life, a stranger quickly became his acquaintance, then his friend, best friend and he would not be surprised if one of these days he ended up married in less than a week as in his favorite book: Orlando by Virginia Woolf.

She was smoking in the smoking area after her first literary class, the class had been disgusting and Katya was shaking because she hadn't smoked that day. The teacher spent half the class making roll call, and half the class talking about politics and the seconds his way out he used to leave an opinion text about their first week at university for the following Monday. He didn’t say anything about the delivery format or medium. _Men_ , Katya thought, inhaling the smoke, _being inefficient as ever_. She exhaled heavily, relaxing her body as she blew out the smoke. She had bought this pack of cigarettes without noticing, she was smoking what were supposed to taste like sunset in Paris, they tasted like lunchtime behind McDonald's.

  
  


"Girl, are you smoking Sunset in Paris? Don't do that to yourself.” a little red-haired girl Katya had seen in class was approaching Katya with a lit cigarette between her lips. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail and her outfit had a very strong 1950s vibe with white polka dots on a green skirt. “I’m Ginger, by the way. I saw you in writing class.”

"Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova," Katya introduced herself in Russian, trying to elicit a reaction from Ginger, but she only raised a slender eyebrow in derision and had to laugh. I find your review of my cigars a very good first impression of you. ”Ginger leaned next to her on the cool brick wall and laughed creating a cloud of smoke around her.

"At least it's less pretentious than you introducing yourself with a fake Russian accent," Katya laughed uproariously, drawing the attention of the few other smokers from semesters above.

“You know the old saying: The faker the accent, the faker the bitch.”

"I think the saying in your case would be: The faker the accent, the faker the teeth" Ginger smiled proudly at her joke and now she looked at Katya expectantly, maybe she was expecting her to be offended or defend herself, but Katya had understood her tone, she felt no need to defend her trampled pride. She giggled again, lifted her foot, and reached to put out the cigarette on the sole of her converse before quickly lighting another. Apparently, they both passed the minimal tests they had put on each other, Ginger smiled. “Your next class is also Introduction?”

Katya nodded, excited at the prospect of not having to go through the department alone, going through it with Ginger seemed like a good idea if they could smoke and be offended on their way.

"My friend is waiting for me to go to class, shall we?" Both girls walked until they were in front of Dela, who was staring at her phone until she lifted it to look at Katya curiously. “Dela, introduce yourself, this is my new best friend: Katya.”

"Hi, I'm Ben Dela Creme, Dela for short." Dela had her hair done with some victory rolls appropriate for the time and spoke in an old movie accent, Katya also almost certain that the mole on her lip was drawn, but it seemed admirable the commitment to her style, it vaguely reminded her of Jinkx.

The two of them told her that they knew each other because they were roommates who got along surprisingly well. Katya found herself doubting briefly if they were girlfriends, but the thought fell apart when Ginger started talking about the handsome men in the previous class, men Katya honestly hadn't noticed, but just as she nodded disinterestedly as Dela did. and Katya was left thinking that yes, maybe that guy with the Nirvana shirt was handsome, even though she didn't remember his face well.

The room was half full when the teacher entered the room and Katya only took one look to know that she would be her favorite teacher: she had a kind face softened by wrinkles, she was wearing animal print and most of all she looked like Cher, the smoky eye with no fall out was just bonus points.

"My name is Chad Michaels and I'm going to be your Introductory Literary Studies teacher. I am going to pass on the curriculum map and if you have any questions, we will discuss it later in class. We are going to start the semester with a question and answer, my first question is, What is poetry?”

Katya was on the edge of her seat wondering how to respond to this extremely nice teacher. It was her first day of college where poetry was no longer ethereal and she couldn't stop thinking about romanticized responses, responses about the meaning of poems in her life and how they naturally formed in my head. Dela had raised her hand and a girl in purple beside her as well.

"You, tell me your name and then your opinion," the teacher Michaels was pointing at the girl in purple.

"My name is Jasmine and it seems to me that poetry is a play on words."

"A play on words ..." the teacher had written it down on the board while smiling. “Some would say that poetry is also a play on emotions, Jasmine, we should check it out.”

The participations continued to advance, and Katya was left with the words on the tip of her tongue, she still did not know how to put what poetry was in the correct words, the responses from her companions (most were women) were being written in the blackboard: "something beautiful", "verses together", "expression of feelings" and "words with rhythm" among others.

"Your participations seem successful to me, guys," said the Ms. Michaels, finally noting the participation of a girl named Sasha who sounded extremely intellectual talking about the Russian formalists, a subject that even when she didn’t know about it, it intrigued Katya about her classmate. “Your answers are quite poetic answers in themselves, about what poetry is. In this class we are going to analyze poetry defining it as "the representation of a plastic image”." Katya took out some crushed post-it notes from the bottom of her bag, desperately searched for her red pen without success, and Dela without hesitation offered her a pen, Katya took the pen and wrote down the definition as the teacher progressed on the topic.

The class got more and more interesting, the teacher began to drop names of poets and she wrote down each one, thinking that later she would review them even though some of them sounded too old-fashioned for her taste. The teacher ended the class by telling them that tomorrow's activity would be a surprise.

"Thank you so much for the pen, Dela," Katya smiled, setting it down on her desk. “I wasn't planning on taking notes on the first day, but Ms. Michaels, I liked her, I think she's my new crush.”

Dela laughed as she delicately put away all the pastel markers with which she had written her notes.

"She looks like a nice lesbian, doesn't she?"

She said it like that, so casually that Katya giggled before processing what she had said. She didn't know why she felt nervous about the comment, but she could feel her expression dropping and concern rising in Dela's eyebrows. Did she feel uncomfortable because the comment was homophobic? Or maybe because that comment meant that she believed Katya was a lesbian? Did Dela have short nails? She hadn't noticed, damn. Why else would she ask Katya about lesbians? Here we go again, she was going to have to explain her bisexuality.

"Ben, don't scare Katya!" Ginger yelled, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Katya, I´m sorry about my lesbian friend, the intention of her comment is not homophobic, on the contrary, she wants to be as gay as humanly possible.”

"Is everything okay, Katya? I really didn't mean to bother you, it's been so long since I hang out with heterosexuals that I forgot how to behave, yeah...”

"I'm bisexual, not straight," Katya interrupted. “Don't worry seriously, I think I've been hanging out with the straight for a long time, I forgot how to talk about gay stuff.”

Both friends laughed, the little tension of the moment was gone, and they left the room. They had to go their separate ways because each had different classes, the three of them exchanged numbers and Dela joked that maybe she could teach her how to be gay again. When Katya embarrassedly told them that she didn't know where her next class was, she noticed their desire to help, but felt guilty, so she quickly changed the subject and hurriedly said goodbye.

Katya didn’t know where her next class was and she was guided only by the numbers on the doors of the classrooms, there were some without numbers, only with letters and the schedule said 104, she had no idea what DDC meant, she said from room 110 that It was the last one with a number and she entered the one whose sums indicated was 103. She wasn't entirely sure, but she remembered that Dela had pointed in this direction at some point and entered. She immediately felt different vibes from his other classes, the conversations looked duller and she didn’t recognize anyone even when she barely knew her classmates, anyway she sat where she first saw available, the second row, which was mostly empty.

She began to play with her phone, taking a selfie on the first day of school that she sent to her parents as they had requested, she checked Instagram thinking about how to socialize with her classmates if necessary. Katya looked up from her screen when a girl brushed her knees as she sat next to her, she was surprised that she will sit next to her with space, but when she looked around the class was already filling up. She also looked at the girl again, she was dressed entirely in pastel colors, she was like a pink thing: pastel pink beret, pink shadows and lipstick, pink dress, white stockings and horrendous white wide-heeled knee-high boots. This woman didn’t look like the stereotype of English that Katya expected, but she seemed like the protagonist of her own story, she could appear in a story in the 60s, a story about spring and sunset and flowers.

The minutes passed and the teacher didn’t come. Katya had stopped admiring the pink girl despite the fact that for some reason she couldn’t stop looking at her nose or her long black outline, she had already sent messages to all of her friends, had published 8 stories on Instagram to which Juju and Courtney, her friends from high school were responding, and she was already testing filters on Snapchat to kill time when she heard a voice that felt like hot wind against her cheeks.

"Hi," the pink girl had turned in her direction and was looking at her with a shy smile. Did she catch her looking at her? Probably. Face to face, her makeup stood out more and she looked like a doll, one of those Barbies imitations. Katya was delighted. “Are you nervous for the first day?”

It was a simple question, a common conversation starter. Katya tried to control the nerves and the sweat in her hands before answering.

"A little, I hate first days."

"I hate them too, so many new people, new place, introductions... Disgusting, what am I going to say? I put the pal in high school principal; Trixie Mattel.”

The pink girl kept a serious face, as if she was talking about the weather and Katya didn't know if she should laugh, but she did, her premature smoker's laugh echoing in the silent room and causing raised eyebrows in the few companions in the room, Trixie began to laugh with her, and her laughter sounded like the birds that sing in the mornings. Sharp and annoying, but musical. If Katya thought about it a lot, Trixie sounded like a bird name too. She suddenly wanted to keep making her laugh, she looked so pretty when her lips spread over her slightly crooked teeth.

"I was thinking of introducing myself as Katya, life sized human person, what do you think?"

And Trixie's laugh grew, and she squirmed with laughter, put her hand over Katya's on her desk, Trixie's hand was cool and long, delicate fingers with French tip nails. She felt something run through her body, she supposed that was how it must feel when lightning struck you, she wondered if her touch had also left a scar. She didn't think about it, it was a muscular reaction, she pulled her hand away, quickly attributed it to being ashamed of her sweaty palm, but her mind posed the question of whether she was attracted to her, maybe she was intimidated by her? The answer didn't matter, Trixie stopped laughing and her mouth was open about to ask something when the door to the classroom opened and Jinkx came in and noticed Katya from afar and ran to sit on the seat next to Trixie.

"Hello girl in pink, hello Katya. I came in late because I was checking out the department, have you already seen it? It's gorgeous” neither Katya nor Trixie had time to reply because Jinkx had already laughed awkwardly and continued. “I didn't know you had Phonetics with me, Katya.”

"This is the contemporary literature class, right?" She asked aloud without thinking.

"No, it's Phonetics," Trixie replied.

“No, this is room 103, literature.”

"No, it's room 102, linguistics."

"Yuck, linguistics." Her words were met by an uproarious laugh from Trixie, several annoyed glances, and an amused Jinkx.

“It's room 102 and it's linguistics. It's a matter of crossing the hall” Jinkx said.

"Shit, shit," Katya whispered, getting up quickly from her seat, awkwardly putting her backpack over her shoulder.

"Katya, right?" - Trixie, the pink fantasy stopped her before she started walking. She blushed and held her gaze nodding, she didn't know what to expect, she thought that their awkward interaction would unfortunately end there, after all Katya had taken her hand away. “Sorry to bother you when I touched your hand, sorry. It won’t happen again.”

"Don't worry, Tracy." Katya mispronounced the name on purpose and Trixie instantly frowned. “There will be no next time because… I died 7 years ago in that seat where you are sitting now. I'm a ghost, nice to meet you.”

Trixie giggled again, Jinkx looked interested at her roommate, and Katya just shrugged.

"As a good Christian girl, my mama always told me to stay away from ghost but I just couldn’t," Trixie said, continuing the joke. “On the other hand, I have no interest in a ghost that haunts a Phonetics class forever.”

Katya laughed; she was about to reply when Jinkx interrupted her:

"Don't you have a class to go to, Katya? Or do you already prefer linguistics?”

"I could never prefer linguistics, don't disrespect me like that," Katya said. But yes, I'm leaving, see you later, ladies.”

Trixie kept her gaze fixed on her as she left the classroom and Katya felt it. He thought that perhaps he would like to see her again. Trixie Mattel with her pretty brown eyes and pink dress that made her look pretty. Katya knocked on the door of 104 and the teacher greeted her with raised eyebrows. She looked very young and she really liked her hair, it was full of volume like the models of the 2000s used it, it looked intimidating but soft in a way.

"Godot is here! Cancel the play, the end,” the teacher shouted sarcastically making some people in the room laugh and Katya, she thought her flat tone of voice was extremely funny, she also liked Waiting for Godot a lot. “I forgive you for being late because it is the first day, Godot. Don't repeat it, I'm not Samuel Beckett.”

Katya nodded with a smile, understanding the joke/threat and silently sat next to a girl with lilac hair that looked like cotton candy.

“Well, now that I have done the mandatory literary reference of the day, I can continue with the class. I'm Willam and I'm going to teach you Contemporary Literature. On the board there’s my email and then we will see what platform we will work on, for now I am telling the Literature students that this class for some reason is taken by many students from other degrees only for credits. Look: Who here doesn't study literature?” Almost half of the class raised their hands. “These are the ones who ruin the syllabus for us, no offense.”

"Thanks for laughing. You’re warned, we will stay in the most mainstream, any questions? If you don't have any we can start introducing ourselves.”

The laughs had died quickly after her joke and her smile grew, she cleared her throat and said:

"I love the discomfort. Tell us your name, age, where you are from, bachelor's degree and…… favorite song. We start with this row.”

Katya went over in her head a thousand times what she wanted to say, she thought if it would be better to be funny or serious, if her outfit made sense with her presentation, if she should have smoked again, she also felt a fleeting craving for a Coca-Cola. She remembered a name: Trixie, and she couldn't help but smile. She could perfectly imagine her introducing herself to her class in those moments. Trixie was an interested character, few people stayed in Katya's mind, at that time she had already technically forgotten Ginger and Jinkx was a blurred figure, meanwhile the unknown concept of Trixie, the linguistics student was interesting, like one of those math problems she didn’t understand throughout high school but looked interesting because of the drawings that she didn’t understand either, she thought afterwards that surely there were many angles and mathematical formulas in Trixie's makeup, she had not met many people who put on makeup like that, she had something of envious because she had learned to apply makeup with YouTube videos and still didn’t know exactly how it worked, she was aware that her face was a Pangea, mascara that fell in lumps during the day and stained her cheeks accompanied by red lipstick that was it fell very fast and left her lips dry, there was no point in talking about her foundation that started coming off the moment she started sweating, and Katya was always sweating. Despite these difficulties, she was proud of the results, she could stare in the mirror and understand who she was most of the time, well, almost always or from time to time.

“My name is Tatianna, I'm 18 years old, I'm from Washington, I'm in the English degree and my favorite song is any of Harry Styles” that's how the girl next to her introduced herself, Katya immediately liked her, she didn't know if it was because she also had a phase where she liked Harry Styles or because her tone was very soft when speaking, but she made it a point to talk to Tatianna later.

"My name is… well, you can tell me Katya. I'm 18 years old, I'm originally from Boston, I'm in a BA in literature, and my favorite song is probably Boom Boom by Loboda.” Tatianna smiled at her. “I didn't see you in the other classes. Hello, I’m everything I just said in my presentation.”

"I'm Tatiana and I'm a bitch."

Katya was about to joke about her love for Miss Michaels when Miss Willam asked them to be quiet, and they both shrugged in embarrassment. This was what she hated about the early days, not knowing the limits of behavior and being unconsciously so interested in making new friends that she forgot basic social norms. She didn't like being desperate for friendship.

The class ended before everyone finished introducing themselves, but the Ms. Willam didn’t care, she said goodbye checking her watch saying that she was late for a meeting. Tatianna and Katya left the room side by side, talking about writing poetry, they had realized that both of them were writers and they had been excited, Tatianna even suggested exchanging poems.

“It would be great! Although I am extremely self-centered, then I am not trustworthy, but I would be very interested in reading what you write, you have a style that you would write something so good that I would never write again.” Katya replied and Tatianna was laughing. Katya felt her cell phone vibrate and looked at the notification.

_12:55_

**Jinkx:**

Katyaaaaaa my class is about to end

Wait for me and let's get pizza

_12:56_

**Katya:**

I will wait for you

only if you promise to take me on your flying broom

"Hello, Katya," she heard a shrill voice behind her and turned nervously. There was Jinkx, there was Trixie and her expression had something... wrong, in the tone, it sounded condescending but her facial expression was soft. It shouldn't be, but Katya found her charming, she was charming.

"As I was saying, Trixie." Jinkx had playfully broken the eye contact between the two blondes. “Roxxy, Detox, you and I we have two weeks to do the work. For now, I want to finish this first day.”

"If it's okay, I'll do a group chat because I told Roxxy I would, and that girl intimidates me. See you tomorrow, Jinkx.” Trixie smiled softly at the redhead, looked at Katya and then at Tatiana. “See you later, Katya.”

"See you, Trixie!" Jinkx yelled.

Katya had been frozen, the look that Trixie had given her… Something had happened, she was walking away, and Katya couldn't stop looking at her. She felt a wisp of hot air run over her cheeks and she thought she would obviously see her again, there was no reason why seeing her leave was a dramatic event.

"See you tomorrow too, with teacher Michaels, Katya," Tatianna said goodbye before walking in the opposite direction from Trixie.

Katya barely managed to shout a goodbye before Jinkx was dragging her down the corridor to exit the building. She in a way liked the confidence with the Jinkx she treated her, Katya had learned these few days that she had known her that she was not particularly outgoing, she spoke little when they were in the crowd and Katya generally had to do the food orders because Jinkx was shy in that regard, but at times like these where she would guide her across campus on her way to a pizza place she had Googled during her last class. Katya felt happy, for a moment she let go of all the nerves of the new people she met today and focused on the moment: hot spring air against her face, her makeup felt intact, her hair had frizzy to through the hours, her arms felt slightly numb and she had to twist her wrists to remind herself to release the pressure on her hands, her converse hitting the pavement of the sidewalk they had been walking along and Jinkx's voice filled her ears. She felt present, as if her spirit would finally return to her body after all this first day full of barely suppressed nerves. It had been a very intense day for her, but it had been a good day.

“… So Alaska, this girl I mentioned with big blonde hair invited me to a party tonight in her apartment on Friday, she said that all the linguistics and English students would go, so you have to come with me.” and so Katya remembered that the week wasn’t over yet, tomorrow this same process would be repeated, she felt an emptiness grow in her stomach and she had to dig her nails into the palm of her hand to get rid of the fear of routine.

"Of course, I want to go with you to the typical first week of school party, Jinkx," she replied sarcastically. “Hopefully it's a horror movie and in an unexpected turn of events a spirit comes out of a mirror or something like that.”

"The turn of events would be that you were the spirit in the mirror all this time," Jinkx said making her laugh out loud. “Right now I'm actually talking to myself on the streets.”

"And no one doubts it because everyone thinks, "Oh, Jinkx, being quirky like always".” but Katya stopped with half laughter because she thought of a better answer. “Wait, I didn't know vampires like you could go out at noon.”

"Katya, make up your mind I can't be a witch and a vampire at the same time, I'm the witch and you are the vampire," and the two were laughing as Jinkx opened the door of the pizzeria where Google's robotic voice had just told them that arrived.

"Jinkx, if Barbie taught us one thing, it's that you can be whatever you want to be," Katya said absently looking at the menu written on a blackboard. “How do you like your pizza? I accept everything except pineapple.”

"Well..." She and Jinkx looked at each other on the verge of laughing during the dramatic pause. “The mushrooms would seem adequate to me.”

Katya ordered the pizza deciding to pay for it regardless of Jinkx's complaints and they sat down to wait in one of the boots.

"I feel like I met a lot of new people today, I feel a bit overwhelmed to be honest," Katya said abruptly finally looking at the redhead. “I was lost all morning, after the new teachers, the new classmates.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “It was too much, I want to eat, sleep and watch crappy TV.”

They continued talking about the first day until their pizza arrived, they ate in relative silence and back Katya had to keep the conversation going because Jinkx had already fallen asleep for a few minutes in the restaurant and now she was distracted, she could barely stay awake.

They reached the bedroom and Jinkx threw herself to sleep on her bed, like this with her shoes and bag barely lying next to her. Katya took off her Converse, put on her headphones and after putting her playlist on random she was staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, she relaxed her breathing listening to French songs to which she translated the lyrics mentally, after two songs she unlocked her cell phone to review her notifications.

_01:32_

**Boston's got talent**

**Juju:**

[photo of her cat]

how was your first day?

mine was: DISGUSTING 

**Courtney:**

[selfie crying]

It has been a very hard day

**Juju:**

oh no courtney what happened?

: (((

**Courtney:**

long story short my alarm didn't go off and I didn't go to any class lol 

**Juju:**

😂😂😂 dumb bitch

**Courtney:**

[photo crying holding the middle finger] 

_03:04_

**Katya:**

my first day was tiring

i met a lots of pretty girls

no decent man

and I'm going to sleep for a while

[photo lying down making a peace sign]

Then she responded to her parents' messages, some random responses to her Instagram stories, and when she was going to turn to her left to sleep, another message came from an unknown number.

_03:22_

**Unknown Number:**

Hi Katya, this is Dela

Ginger and I were wondering if you found your class

Could it be that Dela and Ginger were her friends from college? Those friends who get together years later and drink white wine while talking about their kids and remembering when they smoked marijuana together in college, would it be that kind of friendship? Katya didn't know, there was something deep down that she didn't quite understand about Ginger and after she thought that she had only met her today, it was logical that she did not have a complete image of her. But she had vibed with Dela.

_03:26_

**Katya:**

Hi, I'm Katya

I have bad news about finding that class


	2. In the core of the party is the void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it seems to me  
> that we are in the core  
> of the party  
> however  
> in the core of the party  
> there's no one
> 
> In the core of the party  
> is the void.
> 
> But in the core of the void  
> there's another party.
> 
> —Sometimes it seems to me, Roberto Juarroz

Every day of her first week went from bad to mediocre, but Wednesday had been particularly bad because Katya's world was generally small: her parents, her sisters Irina and Marina, her friends Jujubee and Courtney. And she didn't need much more and she felt happy, the dynamic with her friends was quite simple, with Juju she laughed and with Courtney she had serious conversations. Many times she talked to Courtney about doing great things in life, her friend wanted to be a singer and a model, she had everything to be, but her Australian parents were very strict and forced her to go to college instead of letting her audition for America's Got Talent as Courtney's dream was. Jujubee despite being funny was the realist, she had decided one day that she wanted to be a lawyer and from there she had not stopped on her way to achieve it. Her life generally developed supported by that small group of people and she didn't have much interest in what might be outside of it. Katya felt a bit lost from time to time compared to her friends, despite loving literature after her first day she realized that perhaps she did not love it as much as others. Perhaps her only remarkable quality was not so remarkable, she didn't have the rebellious passion for music that Courtney had that she continued to sing in cafes every weekend while studying medicine, she didn't have the determination of Jujubee to focus on something and be the best one. It was just Katya at a university where her closest friend was Jinkx and she had only known her for a week.

Her classes were getting into subjects she didn't know, definitions that she wrote down in her notebook and immediately forgot, she felt like she wasn't learning anything and then she looked at Ginger and Dela, who sat next to her in most of the classes, talking about the classes with ease and she felt like a failure. She had not made many friends and she wondered if she was doing something wrong, from time to time she would talk to Tatianna at the end of class while waiting for Jinkx, she had noticed girls with whom she would be interested in talking to, but she didn't know how to approach them. The frustration was too much and every day she came exhausted to throw herself into bed and slept until dinner time. She felt sad.

That Wednesday her mind had dawned heavy and Katya knew it would be difficult to put her in the right place. She just wanted to stay in her bed, she wanted to watch Sabrina the teenage witch while she ate instant soup. Katya hated Wednesdays, she had always thought that on Mondays at least the weekend break was broken, on Tuesdays the rhythm was accommodated, but on Wednesdays the week and Katya had an identity crisis. She felt somewhat lonely, despite having Jinkx by her side most of the time she felt like she didn't really have anyone, she talked to Juju and Courtney on a daily basis, but she couldn't help but think that it wasn't the same. She had gotten up late, had to get Jinkx up, who had also gotten up late. Katya didn't have time to think much about her outfit as she normally liked to do, she looked at herself in the mirror quickly without knowing what to do with her stupidly long hair and she hated having it long, she took her bag and said goodbye to Jinkx while braiding her hair.

She arrived so late for het first class that she better decided to stay outside to smoke, she checked her messages with Juju and Courtney, then with Ginger who was telling her that they wouldn't have the Language Studies class, that is, they would have a hole of an hour before from the last class. Katya hated the other two classes, she still felt asleep and her spirits only lifted when she arrived twenty minutes before her class to the English department. She sat in the empty smoking area and sighed heavily, her eyes were burning and she decided to put on the glasses that she hated to wear, but she needed them because suddenly her eyes were also tired of existing. She checked her bag and saw the only notebook she had bought for the semester, she thought maybe she should have put more effort into her school supplies, she liked the feeling of new notebooks after all, but she also thought she wouldn't need to take a lot of notes, She didn't know much about how college worked, but she believed he could survive.

"Hey" A very tall guy wearing a hat greeted her, Katya didn't know how to react. "Don't be scared, I'm Bob, I'm a sophomore."

Katya introduced herself saying she was a freshman with a slight laugh. Bob had sat next to her and was looking at her with an expectant smile, Katya felt uncomfortable, but kept her smile. "How can I help you, sophomore?"

"Ugh, I hate this year, we're reading Divine Comedy in a class and I can't stop thinking 'where are the jokes?'." Katya laughed louder this time. "I warn you girl, jump while you can, flee to Russia with the bears."

"That's my retirement plan, Bob."

"Miss Katya, let's not talk about retirement yet, I'm here to invite you to Leaves of Grass, I suppose you're wondering, what is Leaves of Grass? It is the traditional open mic night in the department created by students for students. It's basically a night where we decorate the apartment with lights and shit and on a DIY stage anyone can get on to present whatever they want,”explained Bob, handing her an old-fashioned printed flyer, it looked like a poster advertising 90's bands, but she only saw announced the presentations of the drag queens Bob the drag queen (who she assumed was the Bob in front of her), Bianca del Rio, Miz Cracker and Peppermint and openly invited to register by sending a message to a phone number. Katya was delighted by the design and concept, but had some doubts.

"Why is it called Leaves of Grass?" She asked, touching the letters printed on the sheet with her finger.

"Girl I didn't choose the name, it was the coordinator of the degree when he gave us permission, he got it from the collection of Walt Whitman poems. A pretty white name, I didn't vote for it."

"I'm not judging you, I assumed that was why," Katya laughed at Bob's disgusted expression. "But if it is quite white and gay to call it after Walt Whitman."

Bob looked at Katya like he was understanding something about her, he stared at her so intently that she can't help but shrug. She ran through her mind thinking about how to break the moment and returned to her doubts about the event.

"Why are only the names of drag queens listed?"

"Because we're the organizers. We are the ones who keep this boring department alive. We're giving the writers, actors, and whatever else permission to perform, but this event was created because of us. We ask that time be given priority and that is why we have more time for shows. You can sign up to participate and present what you want, we are an open stage. I have to go, but think about it, Katya, you could try. It's the last Friday of the month, save the date."

Bob left and Katya walked to her writing class with the flayer in her hands, thinking about the poems she had left neglected since she began her entire college process. She walked into the classroom and didn't see Ben or Ginger and felt nervous as she walked to sit in her usual place in that class, but this time two brown-haired girls were sitting next to her, one with straight hair and grunge style talking to another girl from Serious face, wavy black hair and abrupt bangs.

10:12

Ginger:

Katya, we're going to be late

Say hello to the invisible teacher on our behalf

Katya laughed thinking of her teacher who only taught on Monday before dropping from the face of the earth. She felt that Ginger and Dela not being here was some kind of sign, that maybe she should step out of her comfort zone. She responded to Ginger's messages and with all the confidence she could find in the shoes she didn't remember picking, she turned to the girl with the flannel around her hips.

"Hello, hi, what is supposed to be happening with this class?" Katya asked uncomfortably, causing the conversation between the two girls to break off and they both stared at her. The grunge girl with a smile, the other one without a hostile expression.

“They sent us an email announcing that they would change our teacher and we are waiting for it. Say goodbye to the beloved teacher for a day." the first girl responded animatedly, shaking her head from side to side with a smile like a happy puppy. “I'm Adore, by the way. This ugly girl is Violet." Violet immediately rolled her eyes.

"Hi, I'm Katya and you can call me Katya." she said and Adore laughed, Violet kept a neutral expression, maybe her lips had lifted a bit, but for Katya it was difficult to tell.

"Violet and I were talking about Leaves of Grass, are you going to participate?" Adore said holding up her own copy of the flyer.

Violet continued to stare at Katya, as if she still hadn't finished analyzing all the details about her and her outfit. She mentally reviewed her outfit of the day: doc martens, blue stockings, red mini skirt, black long sleeve turtleneck, red lips, upside down cross earrings that Juju had given her for her birthday and she wasn't proud of her hair that fell in a braid to her waist. She felt confident, she could be judged by how she looked, but suddenly Katya looked at Violet again and thought she looked like a model, delicate features, clean but natural but marked makeup, she was wearing a black corset with various intricate textures almost undetectable to the view that highlighted her small waist and high-waisted black pants with a belt that still tightened everything, apart from that she was wearing those platform sneakers that Katya had seen on Instagram and was sure they were designer. Violet was extremely pretty, attractive, and above all, she had an air of disinterest that Katya thought she could deduce came from her highly arched eyebrows.

"I'm thinking about it, I just got invited and I'm not sure what to present." she finally responded, shaking her head to stop thinking about Violet and how intimidating she was. She remembered not to feel intimidated by other women because it was not a competition, these were her classmates and they were probably just as anxious as her to speak with strangers.

"This is fucking cool isn't it?" Adore explained reading what the flayer was saying, keeping that friendly smile and widening her eyes dramatically to prove her point, making Katya laugh.

"Oh, what would you present?" Katya asked, interested in Adore, who also seemed very interested in her even though she was doing practically nothing.

“I would sing, I have a cover channel on YouTube and I could promote myself here. Would you introduce yourself? "

"I'd probably read a poem or something like that, I'd like to."

"Fucking party, you're a poet, I love it." Adore had gotten excited and was moving her long hair from side to side again.

"Another trash poet" Katya heard Violet mutter, but when she turned to see her, she was in the same stoic position, still staring at her, but less harshly. She looked at Adore and she seemed not to have heard anything, she still looked friendly and Katya suddenly wanted to escape from the classroom and smoke a cigarette. Her best solution was to smile at Adore.

“Are you not a Taurus by chance? I like your vibes and I generally vibrate a lot with the earth signs. " Adore had gotten closer to Katya and their knees were touching, normally she would have moved away, but she found Adore's question so funny that she laughed out loud.

"Yes, I am a Taurus, I love that you guessed it!" shouted Katya between laughter. She no longer felt like leaving, on the contrary, she felt like staying talking with Adore and Violet even if it meant only talking to Adore under Violet's scrutiny.

"Yesterday this girl guessed that I was a Gemini after we only talked for like 5 seconds." Violet spoke, stretching her pristinely painted lips into a smile and Katya thought her voice was dumber than her exterior, her voice was typical of a college girl and the three of them laughed.

"I'm a fucking libra, I know about this kind of thing." Adore replied with a shrug. "Anyway, you are pretty obvious, Violet."

Violet had barely opened her mouth to reply when a red haired lady entered the room along with a bunch of students behind her.

"Girls, boys and everything in between, nice to meet you, my name is Tammie Brown, Miss Brown, and I will be your new writing teacher." The woman announced approaching the desk as everyone continued to sit awkwardly.

Katya quickly looked for her phone and texted Ginger about the new teacher, the redhead only replied that she was already on her way with Dela, that they probably wouldn't make it.

"Guys, I'm not sure what the previous teacher asked or introduced you to, I'll start by talking about sunsets." said Miss Brown, drawing the attention of the students. Katya looked at Adore with raised eyebrows in surprise and Adore just laughed. "Sunsets are basically the process in which the sun returns to his house at bedtime, that is assuming it's a he. There are a lot of myths about sunset, from the Greeks to the present day, it is a poetic event that we don't know how to describe. by the end of class give me a description of the sunset. Let's get to work. "

Katya saw everyone move to take out notebooks and start writing, she saw Adore and Violet face the white sheet thinking about what to write. Katya moved slowly, tore a page from her notebook, and pulled out her favorite red pen before putting her name on the corner and thinking of a sunset.

"You can give me the description and go out, tomorrow we will discuss them." Miss Tammie shouted again and Katya stared at her, thinking about what to write and thinking of a sunset among the teacher's colorful clothes, but then she met her gaze and smiled. "Sunsets are everywhere and sunset is just a word. Life is more like a blank page."

Katya looked back at her page, wondering what to write. Until suddenly inspiration hit her.

Sun

sky

orange and purple

let's go down

a hint of tranquility

that goes away.

Sunset from my balcony

Where does the sun go?

Katya dropped her red pen and looked at the poem with pride, she analyzed it so much that she began to wonder what it meant, where does the sun go? What was the figure of the sun and what did it represent? She began to think that everything she had written was meaningless, that perhaps her poem was worthless because she didn't know exactly what it was reflecting. Suddenly Adore got up from her seat and other classmates and then Violet and Katya got up to deliver their work into the hands of the teacher who was smiling at all the students wishing them a good day.

When Katya left the classroom, she was next to Violet and Adore who were talking about what they had written, they asked Katya, but she was ashamed of her meaningless poem. She couldn't compare to Violet's story or Adore's narration. Dela and Ginger greeted Katya when she arrived in front of her, she nodded in the direction of Adore and Violet of whom only Adore greeted her back, she talked about Miss Raja's class and Adore suggested they go together with a shrug.

Katya felt nervous out of nowhere, thinking that so many types of people couldn't mix, thinking that it was pretentious to try and form a group of friends in the first week. But Dela and Ginger nodded and began to walk with Violet still looking at her cell phone without paying attention to them, Adore turned in Katya's direction and gently put a hand on her shoulder, Katya moved her arm nervously and Adore removed her hand without erasing her smile only saying: "party".

Katya and Adore joined the other three and sometime later Katya had accepted the cigar that Ginger offered her along the way and was feeling more relaxed, she thought that this small group of people was quite an interesting mix and was pleased when she noticed that Neither seemed uncomfortable with the situation, Adore was chatting animatedly with Ginger and Dela as Violet walked beside her.

"I want to perform a burlesque number on Leaves of Grass." Violet said, staring at her after putting her cell phone in her small Guess purse. And Katya smiled exhaling cigarette smoke because she knew things wouldn't be so bad after all. She responded to Violet and suddenly Violet was telling her little insignificant things, she was joking with her and while they waited sitting in the classroom for the teacher to arrive, she asked her Instagram user to follow her.

Katya's Instagram was colorful, to describe it in some way, her account was public, she followed 200 and some people she knew, had almost the same number of followers as followed, had around 500 posts, all contrasting, some were blurry photos of the streets of Boston, others were selfies of her, photos of her outfits, photos of her different earrings, photos with her friends, photos of her wall of photos of Julia Roberts and many others that Violet slowly reviewed in front of Katya killing her from the embarrassment before following her.

"You are crazy." Violet said monotonously when she pressed the follow button and locked her cell phone. The notification vibrated in the back pocket of her pants and Katya grinned at Violet.

"I have not been the same since the accident." she said in a made-up voice. Violet's laugh was awkward, she laughed covering her mouth with her hand and trying to keep her back straight inside her corset.

Miss Raja was interesting, it seemed to Katya that she was on the thin line between boredom and sarcasm, Violet and Adore said they loved her, Ginger wasn't paying attention to her because she was using her phone and Dela was not surprised. She had told them to get hold of Homer's Iliad and Odyssey because that is what they would be focusing on the entire semester, Katya was excited to finally be able to use the expensive edition of the Iliad that she had won in a poetry contest at her school. All of this was discussed as they walked to Ms. Michaels' class.

The class was torture, they were analyzing a poem by T. S Eliot that Katya thought she understood but the moment she dared to raise her hand and comment on it she totally regretted it, she felt silly despite the fact that Professor Michaels had congratulated her effusively.

"I love T. S Eliot, I love him from Cats I guess," Dela told Katya when they left class.

"I like it too, I've reread The waste land many times," Katya said playing with her nails, removing the black varnish.

She felt defeated that she couldn't have said a good comment in class. She felt that she was failing, that she was disappointing her parents, even though they knew nothing about this little poem that she hadn’t been able to analyze.

Adore and Violet invited Ginger, Dela and Katya for a coffee and Katya jumped at the opportunity and accepted because she hadn’t had breakfast yet, Dela also accepted but Ginger apologized in an uncomfortable way and walked away before giving reasons, the four were about to leave, but they were interrupted by a scream that turned out to be Jinkx whom Adore invited and immediately Dela and Jinkx hit it off, as Katya had suspected.

"Hi, I'm Jinkx, Katya's roommate and I love your outfit," Jinkx said looking at Dela's vintage green pants and blouse. Dela's face lit up and she returned the compliment.

Katya watched the interaction with interest, they both had a softness in their auras, while Jinkx's aura was yellow, Dela's was pink and seeing them side by side made them look like they came out of the same vintage magazine.

“Dela and you, what’s your?” Adore asked, pointing at Dela and Jinkx.

Dela said that she was a Libra and Jinkx that she was a Virgo.

“I love it! Two earth signs and three air signs,” Adore said, pointing to each one. “I think we’re gonna create some good vibes here, I feel it.”

It was common for Katya to feel sad, she simply preferred to hide it, she preferred to make people laugh and talk a lot to avoid her feelings, here it was different, she was in an unknown place where she couldn't make anyone laugh because she didn't know anyone and consequently neither could she talk a lot, that first week she generally talked to Jinkx but she avoided going over the line so as not to bother her, she saw her stress doing her homework, she thought that maybe her roommate also felt the pressure and from time to time and it kind of comforted her. But on Thursday Jinkx and Katya had what could be considered a fight, maybe it wasn't a fight just a tense moment, but Katya hated confrontation and from what she saw from Jinkx she hated it as well. Jinkx had just got out of the shower and was still wrapped in her bathrobe, she looked annoyed and walked straight towards Katya who was lying on her bed texting with Juju.

“Katya, I don't know if you remember that I told you on Monday to please don't leave your hair stuck in the shower drain, but I repeat it. Please don't leave your hair stuck in the shower or your socks lying at the door, please, it bothers me a lot. " And Jinkx said it so awkward and embarrassed and Katya also felt so embarrassed as she removed her hairball from the drain that her spirits only faded further.

Katya knew that she was disorganized and in fact knew all her flaws even though she would never do anything to change them, it was brutal to realize that her faults now were not only annoying for her, but also for Jinkx and that she would have to be more careful with her things, she felt terribly selfish. Friday night arrived and apparently Jinkx and Katya had understood that they wanted to flee that night because an hour before the party the two began to put on makeup and dress decidedly in silence. Katya was confident of meeting with her new friends, she also knew that Jinkx's new friend, Trixie, would be there and as she put on her multicolored striped dress and turtleneck she thought she had seen little of her, much less than she expected in this week. She sighed heavily and guessed that maybe she gave a lot of credit to someone she knew for minutes, even though he had heard from Jinkx that she was hilarious, that she was smart and had a lot of funny anecdotes.

"Katya, it's 09:20!" We are late! " Jinkx said, looking desperately at Katya from under her badly glued false eyelashes. Katya jumped up from the bed and released her hair from the braids before running after her roommate, who was guiding her while she guided herself with Maps.

"I want a girlfriend," Jinkx said, out of nowhere, as they waited to cross a street. Katya froze, Jinkx noticed and just met her gaze with a smile. "Yes, Katya, yes, I'm desperate for love," but the joke had no effect because her friend was still nervous. "I thought you knew I'm… bisexual."

"So am I, but… I'm still surprised, I don't know why." Katya stammered awkwardly.

"Did you just come out of the closet?" Because that's how it happened to me when I first came out at 12, I knew I was bisexual, but I was scared to hear it."

"I haven't come out of the closet," Katya whispered and this time Jinkx's smile faltered. "I didn't know how to tell my parents. I guess I just need to think about it, you know internalized stuff and stuff. My parents are very religious and my psychologist told me that I should do it, but …" and Katya felt the adrenaline in the palm of her hands as she remembered the moment, while she remembered the feeling and the look on her mother's eyes.

"Oh, I get it, don't worry, you don't have to justify anything. You're still queer and here, honey."

And they kept walking, something had changed between them, it was the first time they exchanged personal information and it felt appropriate. When they arrived at the Alaska's department it looked like a teenage party straight out of a movie, colored lights, deafening music and lots of red glasses, Alaska had greeted them enthusiastically by handing them a glass of vodka and soda and talking about the importance of mixing by students from the degrees in English and Linguistics. Katya liked Alaska, whom she had heard described by Adore as “cool”, there was something about her messy style and the little attention she gave it that made her interesting, very cool. The only uncomfortable thing was that there were only about 10 people talking in whispers, neither Ginger, Dela, Adore or Violet had arrived, Jinkx and Katya looked at each other, feeling the uncomfortable vibe and Katya shrugged, she only recognized Sasha from her class of Introduction who usually spoke about the Russian Formalists, she was talking to a girl with a mullet. Not recognizing anyone in the crowd, she briefly wondered where Trixie was.

"Do you know anyone?" She asked Jinkx quietly.

"Oh yeah, most of them are linguistics students: There's Shea, Roy, Brooke, Detox, Shangela, I think that's Gigi, Roxxy and I guess the rest are English students," Jinkx answered, pointing discreetly to each person she mentioned, Katya thought she knew a lot of names and was about to say it when Jinkx spoke again. "Oh, and there's Trixie, she came with a guy, I think he's the boyfriend she mentioned."

Katya turned to the door and there was Trixie, her makeup was more defined and now her dress and stockings were black, she looked beautiful with her hair with volume all over the place and the boy next to her was gently holding her hand, he looked soft, he was wearing a white t-shirt and black pants, he was blond and wore glasses, there was nothing specific about him. Instead, Katya noticed how Trixie's lips were extended in a smile to Alaska that repeated the same system she just did with Jinkx and her, she guided them to the opposite side of the small circle, Trixie looked around and smiled even bigger when she met Katya's gaze, still holding hands with the boy at her side, she crossed the circle to reach them.

"Hello, Katya, Jinkx! Good thing you're here now." She was wobbling in her black gogo boots that Katya immediately loved, she thought anyone would hate them, but there was something about the combination of Trixie and the dress that made them adorable. "This is my boyfriend, John. John, this is Katya and this is Jinkx."

Katya couldn't help but laugh as Jinkx shook John's hand, the three of them stopped their interaction and stopped to look at her with raised eyebrows.

"Sorry… I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you John, I just thought it was funny that you are between a Trixie, a Jinkx, a Katya and a lot of weird names and your name is John." Katya couldn't stop laughing as she did. She explained why it was fun until she met Trixie's serious gaze, while Jinkx laughed and John looked at her doubtfully, Trixie was serious, expectant. Katya had to fix it fast. "You are obviously the main character, John. What a privilege!"

John laughed and squeezed Trixie's hand in his and Trixie flinched before laughing softly looking at Katya from under her lashes, she smiled back and Trixie looked away blushing under the purple lights. Katya felt that her heart was going to leap from her chest, she supposed it was the nerves of almost offending Trixie's boyfriend and that would mean fragmenting her nonexistent relationship with Trixie.

"I'm an engineering student, I don't think I'm a main character." John was kind in spite of everything, he looked smooth around the edges and it was obvious he was an engineer. Katya guessed that was Trixie's type: flat. Which wasn't wrong, Katya couldn't help but think about her earrings and her person in general, she probably wouldn't be Trixie's type which was fine, it wasn't like something was going to happen or like Katya was interested in Trixie, she thought this information mattered to her because Trixie was pretty and she wanted her to like her. Yes, it was probably that.

"I'm going to go get more soda, do you want anything baby?" John asked, letting go of Trixie's hand. Trixie shook her head, smiled and thanked him like a waiter as he walked into the kitchen.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, don't move," Jinkx announced, almost running out of the awkward silence. Katya nervously played with her glass that she had not yet tasted, no one was speaking, only whispers were heard and they made Katya more nervous. She stared at her feet, then at Trixie's and her boots, she wondered how many pairs she had, she looked up and found her curly hair set perfectly and her makeup was almost identical to what she had seen on Monday.

"Hi Katya," Trixie greeted with a sly smile, glancing at Katya who immediately blushed because she didn't realize she was staring so intently.

"Hi, you keep surprising me with your wifey styles from the 60s" Katya smiled and knew her joke wasn't that funny, but Trixie laughed, giggled and looked at Katya like she was the funniest person she knew. "How are you, Trixie?"

"I'm fine," Trixie responded immediately. "I am the best that can be for the beginning of classes. At least I've been sleeping early, my boyfriend and I have been."

"Oh, great," Katya said without understanding why she explained why they went to sleep earlier. "Jinkx and I want to go to bed early too, but we end up up until 3 in the morning talking about why red is superior to all other colors."

Trixie let out her birdlike laugh and Katya was going to continue speaking, but at that moment she felt a presence behind her shoulder and turned to find Adore with Dela, the two of them were looking at her with raised eyebrows.

"Are you guys okay?" Adore asked laughing, approaching the two of them.

"Yeah, just Katya was being very funny," Trixie replied, slightly shy.

"I haven't heard you being funny," Adore said, playfully slapping Katya's arm. Katya momentarily wondered if Adore's joke had any meaning, but then she remembered that morning that she made Adore laugh for 3 consecutive minutes as she talked about her collection of stones.

"Because you're the joke," Katya smiled, making her laugh. "Surprise!"

"That's a very Taurus thing to say, Katya," Adore scoffed. "I'm sure this Barbie is also an earth sign so she laughs at your bad jokes."

"Bitch, I'm a Virgo! How did you know?" Trixie yelled in surprise.

"Girl, you're surrounded by Virgos!" Dela told Katya. "First Jinkx now her, what is the deal with you and virgos?"

"Well," Adore cleaned her throat. "Taurus and Virgo, are like, a perfect match, they complement one another, Virgo is so organized but fragile, Taurus is a badass and kind of rude, you're lucky to meet each other."

"I mean ... I'm not even sure I like this one." Trixie joked, looking at Katya with a smile.

"Oh, you shouldn’t, I’m rotten, I’m a bag of shit." Katya answered, hearing Adore laughing.

"You're a teenage dirtbag, baby" and Katya wheezed, she moved her arms around and doubled over. Trixie and Adore where laughing along with her, Dela was busy greeting Jinkx who just got back from the bathroom. "But she doesn’t know what she’s missing."

Trixie and Katya looked into each other's eyes and continued laughing.

"I really love silly and messy earth signs, we're going to get along really well." Adore smiled.

"Get together, gather around LGBTQ community!" Bob yelled, standing in the middle of the small circle, Katya was somewhat surprised to see him here, even though he was an English student too after all. "Since there are like three people at this party and you are all new to the department and I am your ancestor, I am going to make sure they introduce themselves, we are going to go in a circle saying our names and degree. I'm starting out, I'm Bob and I'm in the English degree."

Katya paid attention to the circle, mentally paid attention to the English people, she concluded that it felt like a safe place among few people and was laughing at the jokes that Bob and Monet, another linguistics student, kept flowing . The introductory circle was broken, John returned in the middle of the introductory circle and at the end he and Trixie sat in an couch with Dela and Jinkx while Adore and Katya stood next to them, looking at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Let's go for a smoke, Libra," Katya said finally, feeling a slight tremor in her hands indicating that she needed to smoke, Adore nodded and insisted that the two of them finish their glasses before going out onto the balcony to smoke. "We'll be back in a minute,” she informed the others, but only met Trixie's gaze.

"I've been here a million times," Adore explained, leading Katya into a room. "You have to go through Alaska's room.” They went through a room with the lights off and a huge window. "To get to the balcony, a rather extra design..."

Adore was interrupted because there was someone else on the balcony, standing there with the lights off, Katya saw Adore turn on the outside light with a frown and a girl who she remembered Jinkx pointing as a linguistics student turn around in surprise.

“Hello who are you? and what are you doing here? Lasky won't let anyone into her room” Adore asked defiantly, turning to give Katya a strange look, who shrugged.

"Relax, I'm not violating the privacy of your Lasky," the girl scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I just needed some air and a rest from pesky brats like you and your friend, yes you too blondie, you too.”

Katya laughed, there was something very funny in the way the guy had spoken, she realized that Adore was just looking at the girl who looked a little older than them.

"Okay, boomer," Katya scoffed and the girl laughed uproariously. “It is so old-fashioned to say, "needed some air", there is air everywhere.”

"Not in that small living room that is filling up with people who will drop out of school next year because it’s too hard," the girl said bitterly. “I’m speaking from experience.”

"Oh, I know who you are! You are Bianca del Rio, the friend from Alaska who drooped out of English last year to work as a full-time drag queen, Alaska talks a lot about you.”

"Yes, that's me, I did that stupid thing last year to follow the advice of the stupid Lady Bunny and this year I reentered linguistics, I regret everything" Bianca said with a heavy sigh, but not defeated, she didn’t look like someone with dreams broken or doomed. “You must be Adore, the girl from America’s got talent, Alaska also talks a lot about you.”

"Party!" Adore smiled.

Katya didn't know what to do in front of two people who already had a connection, so she took out her cigarettes from one of the pockets in her dress, because every good dress should have pockets, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke while the other two continued talking about where they knew each other and what Alaska had told each other about the other.

"Oh sorry, Alaska told me I could smoke here," Sasha said, stepping out onto the small balcony and looking surprised when she saw them.

"Yes, welcome to the club," Katya smiled, raising her cigarette in invitation, making the ashes fall to the ground.

"Hi, I know you," Sasha said, pulling out her own pack of Marlboro red. _You are Katya, I remind you of the girl who made a very interesting comment on that poem by T.S Eliot."

Katya laughed and was honored that Sasha knew her name, in the week she realized that she was her fan, she was a fan of how free Sasha looked, how smart and proud she was of herself. It seemed risky to have red hair to begin with, but over all, the way she dressed, so simple and yet so fashionable, she always liked to be surprised by the clothes that Sasha would wear and that night was no exception, she was wearing a mint green dress with gold details, emerald green velvet gloves and pink stockings, it looked like something out of a fashion magazine and she was actually just leaning against the wall next to Katya smoking.

"You are Sasha, the girl who once mentioned the Russian formalists and since then my mind has not stopped associating her with that" said Katya and Sasha let out a deep laugh that seemed to come out of her mouth delicately, like honey.

"Well, I'm Russian, so it's good for you to have relations with me," Sasha said, exhaling her cigarette smoke slowly.

"You are Russian? Me too! Well, second generation but you know what I mean” Katya interrupted Sasha and the two looked at each other with shining eyes and laughed. "I should have known before, what a shame."

"I'm very happy to find one of my kind here." Sasha smiled taking Katya's hand between hers, her face was soft and she was totally bright and pleasant, her face stood out like the moon in the darkness of the sky. "Now you and I can tell each other secrets in Russian."

" буфера " Katya replied and Sasha laughed before hugging her, for a moment she felt uncomfortable but then she let Sasha's positive energy flow. She felt like crying in the arms of a girl she had just met and desperately searched how to escape the feeling, she thought as John disappeared in the kitchen looking for soda and slowly separated from Sasha. "I'm going to go to the kitchen for more vodka, do you want something?" She asked, stubbing out her cigarette.

She ran into the kitchen without paying much attention to the answer and took a heavy breath once she was in the doorway. She felt like her breath was failing but she didn't felt bad, it was a strange feeling to be happy. When she opened the kitchen door she looked up and was surprised to find Trixie leaning against the dishwasher staring at her phone looking totally bored.

"Trixie, hi, what are you doing here?" Katya asked, slowly walking towards the alcohol bottles.

Trixie looked up and locked her phone quickly smiling at Katya, regaining the happiness with which she entered the apartment.

"Hello, Katya," Trixie said in that same crude tone she always seemed to speak with. "I was… I was honestly checking my high school ex-boyfriend's Facebook to see if we could still make it work."

Katya laughed with that serious tone, it was inevitable when Trixie acted totally serious waiting for Katya's reaction.

"Oh, that's terrible, rotten. What does John think about that?"

"Oh, it's fine with him, it was his ex-boyfriend too," and again the two of them laughed until suddenly they found themselves in awkward silence. Katya poured herself Vodka thinking of quickly leaving the kitchen with an apology to Trixie, she felt nervous being here alone with her. "So… Tonight I look really hot, I'm wearing black and I never wear black."

Katya was pouring Coke and laughing, turning to look at Trixie. She didn't have to see her to know it was true, Trixie looked hot in her tight black dress with a little white collar, she highlighted the curves of her body, her thick legs and her breasts, her breasts looked perfect in that dress and Katya was blush.

"I'm only saying it because everyone has told me that I look pretty today and you didn't."

There was something about the cheekiness, about Trixie's fishing for compliments that Katya found adorable and endearing. Trixie looked almost shy waiting for Katya's response, while she was speechless and just laughed, embarrassed and delighted.

"You do look hot tonight, Trixie," she murmured, and they stared at each other from opposite sides of the small kitchen. It seamed like they were looking for something, but Katya didn't know if she should look for something.

"Thank you," Trixie murmured back and the silence spread around them and it wasn't uncomfortable anymore, it was silence with smiles. "You look hot too, I love your earrings"

"So ... I'm on the balcony smoking with other people and I don't know if you want to come?" Katya asked shyly, she immediately thought it was a bad idea when she saw Trixie's pitiful smile, saw her clinging awkwardly to her phone and understood that she had something else going on, there must be some reason she wasn't at the party and she would like to know about it, but she couldn't force anything.

"I hate smokers, but don't worry, I'll see you later, the night is still young," and so she was already looking at her cell phone again, with the same awkward smile.

Katya crossed the party and Alaska's room until she reached the balcony where there were two other people, Shea, the girl with the mullet and Alaska herself, she felt a little out of place but she thought that in the end this was an mixer party, meeting new people was normal. She leaned on the balcony railing and drank from her glass calmly.

"Hello, my name is Alaska, what's yours?" She asked Katya, sitting on the floor with a bottle of rum in her hands.

"I'm Katya Zamolodchikova, but your dad just calls me Katya," Katya replied, pulling out her own pack of cigarettes, rejecting the one Sasha offered her.

"It's good that one of us knows my dad," Alaska joked with a sideways smile, Katya wasn't even sure if the way she slurred was the way she spoke or she was just drunk. "I'm kidding, my dad is a very nice man, I always see him on Thanksgiving and he gives me money."

"My dad is better than yours, he's a black belt in karate," Katya said, making her laugh.

"How fucking cool, but I'm not going to argue why a man is better, they're all trash," Alaska said raising her bottle in a solitary toast.

Katya laughed like everyone else on the balcony but at one point she got distracted and looked down the street, she did it at just the right time to see Trixie and John leaving the party. Trixie still looked serious and John… well, there wasn't much to discover or analyze about John.

"I hate men, I hate my fucking ex who cheated on me after basically gas lighting me for a whole fucking year." Alaska yelled.

They all fell keep quiet at her screams and remained surrounded by the darkness and the wind of a hot summer night. Katya kept thinking, she didn't know what was torturing her mind so much but, Trixie, Trixie, repeating the name in her thoughts was like a spell. What was so interesting about Trixie?


	3. Agh, we were all beautiful once, she said

> _ There were the roses, in the rain. _
> 
> _ Don’t cut them, I pleaded. _
> 
> _ They won’t last, she said. _
> 
> _ But they’re so beautiful _
> 
> _ where they are. _
> 
> _ Agh, we were all beautiful once, she said, _
> 
> _ and cut them and gave them to me _
> 
> _ in my hand. _
> 
> **—William Carlos Williams, The Act**

Time had passed very quickly, suddenly Katya was already having her first midterms and she stayed up late studying, she stayed awake by reading the Iliad and underlining it as if she understood half of what Homer had written. She felt intellectual sitting in the garden of the department reading heavy books and taking notes, she adjusted her glasses and combed her hair in a ponytail and she felt cute, her mind was actually racing. Her mind was distracted by the lack of posters on the walls of her room, on those pants with a broken zipper, and occasionally on Trixie. Something had happened between the two of them, as if they had clicked without much contact, there was a deep understanding and respect that had come out of nowhere.

**  
  
**

Katya had noticed it one day last week when she had trouble with Professor Willam's class. Her small group of friends consisted of Adore, Sasha, Dela and Tatianna, from time to time Violet and Ginger were included as well, but they were generally in other vibes, Violet got along a lot with a girl named Aquaria who seemed more like her fan and Ginger Despite spending more time with them than Violet, she was closer to Jasmine. Those little friendship break-offs are the ones that Katya hated, but this time they seemed easy, they were so gradual that she didn't realize it and it seemed better for her mental stability. She only took the Contemporary Literature class with Sasha and Tatianna and finally, after seeing historical context for a long time, they entered literature. Miss Willam came in that day and began to hand out a sheet with a small printed poem.

**  
  
**

"It is a poem to analyze quickly in class, tell me what you see."

**  
  
**

And Katya looked at the poem and looked at it, but just looked at it. Sasha began to speck about writing and punctuation techniques and the relevance of gender in poems. The image of the roses and the cut. Tatianna also commented, everyone seemed to be able to say something about the poem except Katya. Katya understood the story the poem was telling, but she felt unable to say anything, to point out anything relevant about the poem. She was left with the words of the poem stuck in her mouth like sand. She felt like crying out of frustration and felt ridiculous, she took a deep breath trying to relax and when class was over she felt fragile. She had spent the night before working on some translations for her French class and she had barely slept, she felt as if her whole body was going to fall apart in a second, if someone made a very loud noise Katya would probably fall to the floor and cry, because she was on the brink, she had finished a pack of cigarettes and it was barely the middle of the day.

**  
  
**

"Girls, I have to go, I have a date," Tatianna excused herself the moment they left the classroom. "It's with this dancer girl that I met, Gia, I just need someone to give me enough attention to ignore school."

**  
  
**

"I also have to go, I have a meeting with some girls from my publishing class, they are planning to publish a magazine and I'm interested," Sasha also excused herself and Katya waved goodbye to them both wishing them luck in their projects, a date and a magazine.

**  
  
**

She felt terribly lonely, trembling a little as she was aware of standing alone in the corridor full of moving people. She took out her headphones and quickly put on her playlist of favorite songs and walked to lie down on the lawn in the garden as far away as she could from the rest of the students, she wanted space and solitude. When she lay down she closed her eyes and controlled herbreathing, she dug her nails into the grass so that the numbness in her hands passed and she thought about the poem that she didn't understand, she thought that she wanted to sleep, but she couldn't leave because she still had another class and she didn't like to miss classes.

**  
  
**

She was like that for a while until she heard a loud "Hello" above the sound of her music. She opened her eyes and was dazzled by the sun for a moment before fixing her gaze on the one who greeted her and it was none other than Trixie. Trixie for the first time without makeup, or well, so Katya thought, but she wasn't sure, maybe she was wearing a little concealer, her hair was falling without any fix on her shoulders and it was also the first time that Katya had seen her in jeans and a simple pink knit sweater, it was a version of Trixie that Katya had not seen even the few times she went to her room to study with Jinkx, it was a version so simple that it offered the same security and softness as always. Katya smiled as she sat down, took off her headphones and Trixie sat next to her with a sigh.

**  
  
**

"Hi girl," Katya said offering her hand, Trixie laughed and accepted Katya's hand giving it a surprisingly strong squeeze. "How are you? I haven't seen you since Obama was still president."

**  
  
**

"You haven't seen me for 5 years when you didn't know me, cool, logical," Trixie teased, stretching her legs out on the grass. "I'm fine I think, lately I'm feeling really tired because I haven't been able to balance school well with my work at the Mac counter and my personal life."

**  
  
**

"Tell me, I haven't been able to balance just school and personal life, I don't want to imagine a work life. I'd end up collapsed and unable to support my second husband,” Katya replied, noticing for the first time the tiredness in Trixie's eyes.

**  
  
**

Katya thought that conversation was extremely formal and honest between them, but it hadn't been so easy to get to that point. After the party they always greeted each other in the corridors, they spoke quickly about movies and their days and whatever new thing Katya was obsessed with that week, when Trixie went to their dorm they hardly spoke, but it was as if they were both very aware of the presence of the other. Katya believed that there was the basis for a relationship worthy of her time because they respected her limits, in another sense she felt that she and Trixie were caged and could not touch even if they wanted to. They talked floating on the surface, with each conversation Katya learned more about Trixie, she found out that Trixie could sing, her eyes shone when she talked about how her grandfather had taught her to play the guitar. She also told them she had been indecisive between Musical Theater and Linguistics but in the end, she chose linguistics because it seemed a more stable profession, she also mentioned that she and John had been dating since high school in Wisconsin. Trixie spoke about her life with ease, barely letting Katya speak. They weren't best friends or her first choices, but they liked each other.

**  
  
**

Katya supposed that Trixie knew her the same way that she knew her, after all she was an open book about taste and criticism and obscure references to movies that weren't very clear or didn't make much sense of what they were talking about.

**  
  
**

"It's just that, working at Mac is worse than I expected, I thought it would be fun and I could put makeup on people and make creative looks," Trixie complained, playing with leaves of grass. "But I only put makeup on old ladies that want the same golden look and they don't really care about makeup, but they will still complain to my manager if I make their eyeliner too long. The other day a client called me a clown and I started crying and The one that got way by Katy Perry was playing and it was horrible."

**  
  
**

Trixie had laughed telling the story, just because of that Katya laughed, but actually she felt very worried about the blonde sitting next to her. She didn't know exactly whether to ask her why she cried, if she should just offer her help or tell her that she also felt like crying right then and there. She decided not to do any of those options and instead chose to make her laugh.

**  
  
**

"You should do my make up some day, I have the skin of an old lady, but I have no other manager to complaint but god himself," said Katya, looking closely at Trixie's eyeliner, as she watched her contour climb up her cheeks she saw her blush up to her nose, her smile was soft and she blinked shyly making Katya smile. "I would love for you to do my makeup some day."

**  
  
**

"I would love to do your makeup one day. I think that ..." Trixie said excitedly, getting so close to Katya that she made Katya's bag that was between the two of them fall off. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I got too excited, I love talking about working at the mall." she deadpanned.

**  
  
**

Katya and Trixie crouched to pick up the few things that had fallen out of the bag, Trixie helped her put everything in the bag, but she kept a misfolded paper in her hand and read it carefully. Katya felt unnecessarily nervous, she knew it was Miss Willam's class poem, she worried that Trixie would ask her something about the poem and she would know absolutely nothing.

**  
  
**

"Sorry to read it without asking you, and I don't know much about poetry but ..." Trixie hesitated, putting the paper on the grass. "I liked what I read."

**  
  
**

"Why did you like it?" Katya asked, quickly re-reading the short lines of the poem, thinking about the image and what a tired Trixie could have seen in the poem.

**  
  
**

"I guess… I liked it because I didn't fully get it." and they both laughed out loud, Katya wheezed and couldn't help but be marveled by Trixie's honesty. "I like the idea that the poem is called 'The act' and it narrates an act, the tragic act of cutting the roses."

**  
  
**

"The tragic act of cutting something beautiful, but the important thing isn't that it was beautiful where it was, the beautiful thing is that the roses were once beautiful." Katya said, finally understanding what the poem was about, she looked at Trixie with wide eyes and she just smiled at her with the same softness she had. "A _gh, we were all beautiful once, she said._ " Katya quoted, smiling at Trixie.

**  
  
**

"I wouldn't have known how to put it like that but yes, the beauty of something isn't momentary. It would be like me; I will always be pretty regardless of where I am." Trixie teased, tossing her hair behind her shoulder.

**  
  
**

Katya again wheezed and Trixie laughed when she saw her laugh, Katya felt at the right time in the right place. She had forgotten that she was tired and sad, she had forgotten that she hadn't had breakfast and that this day in general she had not felt well. The important thing was that she was laughing with Trixie and had understood a poem that just moments ago seemed incomprehensible to her, the sun was hitting Trixie's brown eyes making them look like honey, Katya really looked at Trixie and thought she was so pretty, but she just left that though drown in the back of her mind.

**  
  
**

"Today is my day off ... Would you like me to do your makeup ... right now?" Trixie suggested, with an energetic smile that she didn't have when she sat down on the grass.

**  
  
**

Katya raised her eyebrows exaggeratedly, thinking that Trixie was surely joking, it seemed absurd that after barely speaking they will go on to put on makeup so easily. But Trixie was looking at her with an open opportunity in her eyes, she hadn't been discouraged.

**  
  
**

"Come on, I invite you to see my dorm, I just hope my roommate isn't there, she's a pain in the ass," Trixie insisted, hitting Katya's arm with her shoulder in invitation. Katya thought about her class that was still missing and how she hated to miss classes, then she looked at Trixie and thought of an unfamiliar place with opportunities to relax and Trixie's day off that she wanted to spend a brief moment with Katya. She didn't stop to hesitate and jumped up, placed her bag on her shoulder and extended her hand to Trixie who looked at her with happiness.

**  
  
**

"I love that when we met you didn't want me to touch your hand and now you're offering it to me," Trixie said, getting up with her help. "That is what I call character development."

**  
  
**

"Well, if you put an element in a story you have to use it, the conflict of my problem with human contact has already been solved, I suppose this moment would be the right one to end a chapter" Katya continued joking, following Trixie blindly in the direction of wherever her dorm was.

**  
  
**

"No, because if the chapter ends now, we wouldn't know how the makeup I'm going to do on you turns out."

**  
  
**

With little comments like that, they crossed the campus in the opposite direction from Katya's room, they entered a building and climbed some stairs until they reached a door from which electronic music was playing at an extremely high volume.

**  
  
**

"Shit, Pearl is here" Trixie rolled her eyes before opening the door to find Pearl, whom Katya thought looked like a model, with a disinterested look and brown hair falling messily around her face. She was on her side of the room with her laptop playing the music, it was obvious it was her side because her wall was filled with sketches of women with exaggerated features while Trixie's side was totally empty except for a giant poster of Dolly Parton, Katya found it funny in a silly way, it was funny that Trixie chose that poster to define her personality. "Could we talk, Pearl?"

**  
  
**

Katya stopped at the threshold of the door and doubted what to do while Pearl stopped the music and Trixie came to whisper in her ear, Katya could only hear whispering between the two of them and she felt nervous as more time passed, she looked at her feet and then her nails were bare and she amused herself by removing some of the hair that had stuck to her red shirt.

**  
  
**

"See you around, Katya" Pearl said in an extremely relaxed tone of voice, taking her computer and backpack and leaving the room leaving them in total silence.

**  
  
**

"Come, sit down, I'll make you Mac quality makeup, I mean a Mac in Wisconsin so you don't get high expectations" and so, laughing Katya sat on Trixie's bed as she watched her walk around the room looking for products from her makeup. "I don't know exactly what look to put you in, your features are already beautiful, I don't have much work to do."

**  
  
**

Katya took the compliment with a nod and a blush, she didn't know what to do as Trixie kept talking about makeup products, and then caught eyes with the Dolly Parton poster again.

**  
  
**

"I love your poster," she said, interrupting Trixie's words who stopped her search to give her a smile.

**  
  
**

"I found out about Leaves of Grass and I'm thinking of singing a song, probably a Dolly Parton cover, I love Dolly Parton, it's my beauty standard, I've always wanted to look like her," Trixie murmured with flushed cheeks. She had finally stopped and had all her products arranged around Katya.

**  
  
**

"You already look like Dolly, when you show up at Leaves of Grass everyone will think you're a copycat" Katya joked.

**  
  
**

Trixie began by cleaning Katya's skin, first with a makeup remover wipe with which she removed the remains of makeup on her face, then with micellar water on a cotton pad, she was explaining each step, but Katya could only concentrate on the the feeling of her warm hands against her face and it was so relaxing that she thought she might fall asleep right there. Trixie started applying her foundation after matching her shade from the small swatches of foundation she had, she applied concealer to it and before sealing it in with powder she started working on the eyes.

**  
  
**

"I'm going to put some music in the background, to make me feel more at home" Trixie said, leaving her disposable sponge aside to take her cell phone out of her pants pocket, she put on a folk song that Katya was unaware of and began to sing it softly while she worked in the shadow on Katya's eyelids. It felt like a very intimate moment, like a bright vibe spreading around the room and Katya snapped her head out of anxiety and focused on the moment. A long time passed in which the two were in silence, Trixie worked delicately but quickly, she could feel how Trixie was concentrating on painting large strokes and then returning to correct the details.

**  
  
**

"So Katya, what are you thinking? Tell me about yourself and your premature mature skin," Trixie said, grinning even bigger when Katya's whole face scrunched up in laughte.

**  
  
**

“Well I'm Katya, but you know that, my skin is like that because I'm actually 37 years old and I'm a smoker. I'm not talking too much because at this hour the veil between the two worlds is thinner and I can't help but reveal my deepest secrets. " Katya replied without knowing exactly what to say or how to carry on a conversation, that's why she started talking nonsense.

**  
  
**

"Reveal your deepest secrets to me, we have time" Trixie said, putting shadow in Katya's socket.

**  
  
**

"My darkest secret is ..." Katya went blank thinking about what to say, she couldn't actually tell Trixie one of her secrets. "I once peed in my pants on the way back from school." The moment she said it ahe regretted it, but she couldn't help but smile in embarrassment.

**  
  
**

"You ... you peed yourself," Trixie giggled, she stopped putting makeup on Katya and she could open her eyes to see her doubled over with laughter, she saw her with a hand on her stomach as she laughed sharply, echoing through the empty room. "Why?"

**  
  
**

"I didn't really like high school and I never went to the bathroom there, obviously this caused me some issues" Katya shrugged, thinking that maybe she had shared a lot of information, but Trixie was smiling so big when she asked her to close her eyes again. to continue the makeup that she thought was worth it. "I pissed my favorite black jeans"

Their conversation continued, Katya didn't really know how, but she ended up talking to Trixie about high school and they both gave vague stories that made them laugh, they also talked about religion and Boston and Wisconsin and how Trixie's mom wasn't impressed by anything and how Katya's mom once screamed at the top of her lungs and left for China for two weeks. Katya was so entertained talking about how she once saw a ghost in her house that she didn't realize that Trixie had finished doing her makeup.

**  
  
**

"Katya, open your eyes" she indicated interrupting his story, Katya did and found her face made up reflected in a mirror that Trixie held up. Katya was surprised by her reflection, there was not much difference in the shape of her face even though a little blush made her look more alive, her lips were painted with a red lipstick that looked like velvet, so soft, what surprised her the most were her eyes, framed with blue eyeshadows and with a white glitter on the eyelid that shone every time she blinked with the long false eyelashes that Trixie had put on her, her blue eyes looked almost gray and she felt pretty, she looked at Trixie with a smile and saw the slight fear in her gaze that immediately relaxed when she saw her happy.

**  
  
**

"Mama, I don't know how you did it, but you turned a garbage bag into ... I would say a beauty queen, but not so much, rather you turned me into a natural waste bag." Trixie laughed and while Katya looked at herself in the mirror she couldn't avoid thinking that this look needed bangs, her forehead looked very bare and Katya hadn't had bangs in years, it was a brilliant idea. "Trixie, do you have hair cutting scissors? Well, it doesn't matter if they are for cutting hair, do you have any kind of scissors? I need scissors. "

**  
  
**

"I have hair cutting scissors because I cut my own hair" Trixie suspiciously said, approaching her desk and taking her scissors. "But for some reason I don't trust you with scissors, tell me what you want."

**  
  
**

"I want bangs, I need bangs to complete this look, it's obvious, I trusted you to cut my bangs." Katya said, feeling the thrill of the decision running through her body as she released her long blonde hair from the sloppy ponytail she had tucked it into in the morning.

**  
  
**

"Are you sure?" Trixie asked, playing with the ends of Katya's hair that fell below her waist. "Cutting bangs is a big commitment."

**  
  
**

Katya didn't stop to hesitate and nodded effusively, she enjoyed the process where Trixie gave her a brush to brush her hair and scolded her for the knots, she enjoyed when Trixie led her to stand in front of the small mirror in her bathroom and wet her hair awkwardly with water from the sink, she only felt nervous when Trixie opened the scissors, parted her hair and cut without hesitation, she then let go of the hair and brushed it with her fingers on Katya's forehead delicately, with the same delicacy that she had done all day.

**  
  
**

"What do you think?" Trixie asked and Katya opened her eyes to see herself in the mirror and smile at her reflection, with a fringe falling on her forehead she looked different, but a good different, she thought she looked like one of those mysterious blonde women from the movies who barely spoke, but they gave a look that meant everything. Suddenly an image jumped into her head and she opened her mouth in surprise.

**  
  
**

"I love it, I look like Loboda!" she said playing with her hair. Katya watched as Trixie raised her eyebrows in doubt. "She is a Russian singer, she's iconic." She responded by rolling her eyes and pulling out her cell phone to Google it and show it to her, Trixie kept her eyebrows raised and looked from Katya to the photo.

**  
  
**

"You're nothing alike except for being Russian," Trixie scoffed. "But bangs fit you very well, you look pretty."

**  
  
**

The two were silently blushing, Katya looked at her cell phone and realized that she had a lot of messages from the group chat with Sasha, Tatianna, Dela and Adore, apparently they were talking about some homework that Katya didn't know existed. She better opened her cell phone camera and began taking pictures in front of Trixie's white bathroom tile, Trixie giggled and quickly stood up next to Katya posing for the camera before moving just as fast.

**  
  
**

"Pass me your Instagram, I'm going to upload these photos because we look so good." Katya said without thinking, still taking pictures while Trixie watched her.

**  
  
**

"It's trixiemattel_8, apparently there were already 7 other Trixies." Trixie laughed and Katya immediately looked her up, her profile was almost as polished as Violet's, but it was more focused on her makeup, mainly photos of her and some with John from time to time. "Don't stalk me in front of me, it's rude"

**  
  
**

Katya laughed and followed her, then posted a photo where you could see her makeup and new fringe and another where Trixie stood beside her smiling, making Katya look small because she barely reached her shoulder. She captioned them: "Every powerful woman has a fringe and all women are powerful so they all have a fringe and a friend who cuts their fringe and gives them a movie makeover, thanks @ trixiemattel_8". She saw Trixie view the notifications on her own phone and saw her follow her and like the photo and start writing a comment, but then she received a notification of a comment from Violet that simply said: 'You look gorgeous Katya' and Katya smiled but she laughed when she read Trixie's comment: 'Loboda is shaking'.

**  
  
**

"It's quite surreal to be face to face and communicate by comments." Katya said, locking her phone.

**  
  
**

"Oh darling, that was surreal when..." Trixie began to speak in an accent that immediately made Katya laugh, but she was interrupted by her phone ringing with an incoming call. “Wait a minute… John? Hello… Yes, let's go… At 5? Okay… See you, love you too. "

**  
  
**

Katya looked at the time on her phone and it was 4:52, she felt that she had to leave immediately.

**  
  
**

"It was just John, we'll leave at 5, but as I was saying," Trixie said disinterestedly trying to continue talking, leaning on the sink while Katya leaned against the wall trying to create more space between the two, but the bathroom was so small that their legs were touching, Katya smiled uncomfortably at her.

**  
  
**

"I guess I better get going." Katya apologized.

**  
  
**

"No, don't worry, you can stay a while longer." Trixie said putting her hand on her shoulder, Katya felt relaxed and nervous at the touch, she wanted to leave with more reason.

**  
  
**

"No, I better get going, I have to do homework for my language class." She insisted and Trixie just nodded shyly and led her out of the bathroom. In a few minutes John would arrive and with that thought putting pressure on her mind, Katya picked up her bag and looked at Trixie sitting on her bed, she looked a bit disappointed, but still smiled at Katya. "Can you give me your number, Trixie? Maybe we can continue to talk about poetry and pee stories."

She stared at Katya full of wonder.

**  
  
**

"Oh, sure, that would be great," Trixie said, and Katya handed Trixie her phone, she typed her number and saved it under just 'Trixie Mattel' before handing it back to Katya.

**  
  
**

Trixie smiled and Katya said a quick goodbye with and awkward wave to Trixie before heading out of her room. She walked towards her own dorm, put on her headphones and Fiona Apple rang and so she began to reflect on her day. She had gone from a bad day to stable to great, now she felt happy, she felt light. She got to her room where Jinkx was sitting at her desk and smiled kindly at her.

**  
  
**

"How was your day, Katya?" Jinkx asked. Katya was putting her bag on the floor and threw herself on her bed taking off her headphones.

**  
  
**

"Great, how was yours?" she asked back with a genuine smile.

**  
  
**

"Good, but not as good as yours because Trixie didn't do my makeup." Jinkx smiled, making Katya blush and roll her eyes.

**  
  
**

"What do you think of my new look?" Katya asked sitting down just for Jinkx to see her bangs, she made poses and gestures that made her laugh out loud and Katya felt proud.

**  
  
**

"I like it, you look like a mysterious woman from a black and white film who hardly speaks, but says everything with her eyes." Jinkx said.

**  
  
**

"That's what I thought!" Katya yelled and they both laughed uncontrollably.

**  
  
**

The day progressed and Katya was sitting at the desk in her room working on her French translation homework, her head was in a relaxed space, she was listening to music and drinking coffee, she was in a quiet space that was immediately broken when she realized that the responsibility of speaking to Trixie was hers, only she had her number and not the other way around. She took off the headphones suddenly feeling dazed and turned to see Jinkx who was now watching a movie on her computer, her roommate was ignoring the anxiety that had exploded in her and only met her gaze with a warm smile.

**  
  
**

"Do you want to see this movie with me?" It's Death becomes her, one of my favorites.” Jinkx smiled, patting her bed in invitation and Katya didn't doubt it, she turned off her lamp, closed her notebook, threw away her pencil and left her headphones on the desk before lying next to Jinkx who was enchanted looking at the screen.

**  
  
**

Katya heard Jinkx repeat bits of the script and give fun facts that her mind could focus on instead of feeling nervous. The movie was about to end when she wanted to rub her eyes and realized that she was still wearing the makeup, she waited for the movie to finish and apologized to Jinkx and went to remove her makeup in the bathroom, where she had an idea and took out her phone Quickly, she thought Trixie had surely already gotten to wherever she'd been with John.

****  
  


_ 12:34 _

**Katya:**

hi it's katya

[selfie of her makeup ]

I have a question

how do i remove this makeup?

_ 12:34 _

**Trixie:**

well you could start by wearing makeup

jk

motors oil or makeup remover

_ 12:35 _

**Katya:**

how about

[photo of her makeup remover that was actually dish soap]

_ 12:35 _

**Trixie:**

no

Katya pls don't

_ 12:35 _

**Katya:**

Try me, bitch

[video of her rubbing the dish soap on her cheek]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I made some formatting changes to make it easier to read. hasta la proxima.


	4. I do not know what it is but I know it is in me.

> _There is that in me—I do not know what it is—but I know it is_
> 
> _in me._
> 
> **—Song of myself, Walt Whitman**

Katya had had enough experiences in her short life where she had passed up opportunities just out of fear. She had always been afraid of rejection so she preferred to avoid any situation that could lead to rejection, the only daring decision she had made recently was to choose a college and then cut bangs. She felt rebellious with a new haircut, she had started to worry about how to style her hair, she let her hair down more often and she felt more comfortable, like she had an extra layer of protection against the harsh reality.

So, missing opportunities wasn’t something new for her, ignoring the things that scared her was typical, many times the missed opportunity had to, physically or metaphorically, hit her in the face to make her react. The entire month of September had happened so fast, Katya had been busy trying to fully adjust to her classes, and although she felt less mediocre at school, her personal life was the one that was declining now. Katya thought she wasn't exactly fading, but she didn't feel comfortable, she loved talking about strange things with Sasha, laughing with Adore, doing class work with Dela, talking about Tatianna's romantic life, watching movies with Jinkx, and complaining about her day and texting with Trixie case all day, but she felt lost, like she was a sock and someone had forgotten to take out of the washing machine and she kept going around, washing and fading.

She thought of that dumb metaphor one Tuesday in the library, while she was studying with the girls who probably didn’t feel the discomfort that Katya felt, they had spent the whole afternoon together in the library analyzing a poem for Professor Michaels' class, it was the poem Song of myself by Walt Whitman, Miss Michaels had set it as an example to encourage them to participate in the Leaves of Grass festival. Dela had printed the poem and was analyzing it highlighting with different colored markers, Adore was reading it on her cell phone along with Tatianna, Sasha was reading it from a book she took from the library, and suddenly she would repeat a phrase out loud and asked them what they thought, Katya also read it from a book from the library and wrote down on a post-it. Jinkx and Trixie had accompanied them because they had nothing else to do and Trixie said that she would rather spend her day off with them than watching repeated episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Jinkx had sat down between Adore and Dela and was speaking in whispers with Dela.

Except for that they were quiet, Katya had already read this poem several times before, she had just never stopped to analyze it deeply, to think that it made the poem feel as strong as it did, the words and the atmosphere. She thought that even though this was just a fragment of the poem it seemed like a lot to analyze for inexperienced first semester students, she hardly knew how to describe what she noticed in the poem, at that moment she would like to know all of the terminology, but she guessed that with time would.

Katya looked up from her book and notes to meet Trixie's gaze, she was looking at her with a slight smile that only intensified when Katya looked at her. Katya returned the smile and Trixie looked back at her cell phone happily, Katya turned her eyes and Jinkx looked at her with raised eyebrows, Katya just rolled her eyes.

The silence continued, from time to time Dela or Jinkx laughed at their own whispers, or Trixie hummed a song without realizing it, Katya suddenly looked at her and couldn't help but smile. Katya felt her body let go of discomfort, she thought that usually the friends that are made in the first weeks aren't lasting, but she hoped that these were lasting, it seemed that they were all on the same page and she sincerely loved being able to bump shoulders with Adored as they walked from class to class and that she returned with a smile. She loved being able to discuss literature with them without sounding pretentious. She loved this moment in her life.

Katya finished reading the poem, reviewed her notes and they seemed sufficient, so she closed the book with a bang that echoed in the silence of the library. She thought she needed a smoke and a coffee, she thought of telling Sasha and Adore, but then she remembered that Sasha had quit smoking last week after reading an article about the health effects of cigarettes and Katya had promised not to tempt her to smoke because of withdrawal syndrome.

"Adore," Katya elbowed her and Adore interrupted her reading to look at her, raising her eyebrows in doubt, she immediately felt bad for breaking her concentration. "Do you want to go for a quick coffee and smoke?"

"Katya, Adore can't go for a smoke, we're talking to a guy." Tatianna said, making Adore blush.

"Shut up, Tatianna, I'm talking to a guy, you're just judging his messages," Adore accused, hitting her on the shoulder. "And sorry, I can't go, the wi-fi fails as soon as we leave the department and this guy is telling me something important."

"All this time I thought you were reading the poem on your phone." Katya laughed incredibly loud, Adore and Tatianna joined her and soon the librarian came over to shut them up.

"I can go with you, Katya." Trixie said, taking off her headphones and putting a hand on Katya's shoulder that made her shudder in surprise. "I hate smokers, but I could make an exception for you."

Jinkx had met Katya's gaze and again raised her eyebrows and she just ignored her, turning to smile at Trixie and nod, the two got up from their chairs trying to make as little noise as possible and Trixie patiently waited for Katya to take out her cigarettes, money and cell phone and the two of them almost ran in the direction of the cafeteria where the coffee wasn't good, but it was close.

Once outside Katya was left without knowing what to say, but she didn’t feel a pressure to speak, she simply realized that she didn’t need to tell Trixie anything at the moment, but with a look at Trixie she sensed that she wanted to tell her something. After all, it was strange that she decided to accompany her out of nowhere when she would literally always scold Katya when she caught her smoking.

"So how are you?" Trixie asked, playing awkwardly with her hands, she seemed so uncomfortable with her hands that she ended up putting them in the pockets of her dress.

"I'm good, and you?" Katya responded immediately, out of inertia, then she thought about how to expand because she didn't know exactly what Trixie wanted to get to. “This morning I was speaking with Sasha about how my coffee consumption has tripled since classes started and she explained to me how I am benefiting the big companies that pollute the planet the most, so she and I agreed so that she’ll bring me coffee from the illegal coffee machine in her dorm. So technically this is my last capitalist coffee, as of tomorrow I am a communist. "

Trixie laughed, but much calmer than she normally would, staring at her shoes that surprisingly this time weren't boots, they were white converse that looked brand new.

"That is good, we have enough with patriarchy to continue on supporting capitalism." she said, before staring into Katya's eyes. “I find it very cool that you have so many friends in your first semester. Sasha and all of them look nice. I haven’t felt that close to my group. "

Katya understood immediately and smiled at her in an attempt to encourage her, but Trixie looked sad. It was strange to see Trixie sad, her eyebrows and lips were painted in a gesture of happiness that when her features looked sad turned into a strange mixture. It looked wrong.

“I mean, I've never been fully accepted or liked by everybody, but I thought maybe in Linguistics I would fit in and I think that for a few days I did, but time goes by and now Jinkx and I are the weirdos in the classes and also now Jinkx spends all her time flirting with Dela and John is busy most of the time and I feel pathetic having to turn to you, no offense, because we hardly know each other and you seem to be doing so good that I feel bad. I have no friends and I am failing in something that is just beginning. " Trixie said, breaking into tears like that in the middle of campus, they were going down some stairs and both had stopped on the same step. Katya normally would have laughed because Trixie thought she was doing "so good", but seeing Trixie fall apart like this broke her heart, one quality she admired in Trixie was how in control she seemed to be all the time, the way she made decisions without hesitation and didn’t seem uncomfortable in any situation. But now Katya understood that there must be a price for appearing so sure of herself all the time.

"Oh no, Trixie" and hugged her without much thought. It was funny because Trixie was taller than Katya and she guessed it wasn't very comforting, but then Trixie bended her knees causing a weird wrapping noise to come out of the pockets of her dress and she adjusted her face on Katya's neck with familiarity. “I'm not the best at giving advice, but I can talk nonsense and tell you that it's normal to feel out of place, we've only been here a month, that doesn't make you a good or bad person, you just haven't found your place and that's fine. Also, I thought that when you cut my bangs we had automatically become best friends. "

Trixie squeezed Katya tighter and laughed directly into her ear making Katya wince, but she returned the squeeze, tightening her grip on Trixie's waist over the soft fabric of her summer dress. Again the noise of wrappings came from Trixie's pockets and Katya pulled away a bit to understand what it was and Trixie blushed.

"That sound is the candy wrappers I keep in my pockets, sorry, long story." And they both laughed at the absurdity of the moment, the absurdity of Katya advising Trixie, the absurdity of standing on those stairs as dusk fell around the other girls waiting for them in the library. “But yeah, I'd also say cutting your bangs made us friends. Thank you."

"Great." Katya hugged her again and for the last time, noticing the warmth of her body, the scent of extremely sweet perfume and the softness of her hair against her cheek. Katya separated and shyly wiped some tears that had trickled down to Trixie's chin, then went up to where her intricate eyeliner began and wiped the tears with small touches that made Trixie smile, who still had her knees bent to be at her height.

"Now I'm not going to cry again for the whole year." Trixie joked, also taking a step back. The soft moment had been broken and Katya thought maybe she should have paid more attention to it, but she preferred not to remember Trixie feeling sad. "Now let’s go get your last capitalist coffee."

At a less frantic pace the two of them bought their coffee and walked calmly back, talking about how bad the coffee was and how when they graduated they would open a coffee shop where they would give away coffee to fight against capitalism. When they returned to the department Katya had already finished her coffee and had lit a cigarette while moving away from Trixie so that the smoke wouldn’t reach her, they were one on each side of the library doors, in the dark only Trixie’s blonde hair stood out.

"Come on, girl." Katya said, finally putting out the cigarette and offering her arm to Trixie who immediately grabbed it with a big smile. They crossed the library to their table, but the two of them looked at each other in surprise when no one was reading or in the positions in which they were last seen. They were all standing behind Adore and her cell phone with worried expressions.

"What's going on?" Trixie asked worriedly, all five pairs of eyes locked on them at the same time and they both flinched at the abruptness.

"Leaves of Grass is canceled." Dela said with a shocked expression.

Before Katya or Trixie could respond, it was heard from Adore's cell phone:

"And it's your fault because no one signed up to participate in the show!" the voice that Katya immediately recognized as Bianca was heard, and she immediately realized in her brain that Adore was talking to Bianca, were they talking in a romantic context? Who knows. Therefore, Trixie and Katya approached the small circle and saw on video call Bob and Bianca lying on a bed. "Oh hello Malibu Barbie and Soviet Barbie."

Katya hadn’t realized that that Friday would be happening Leaves of Grass if it were still standing, she had decided not to sign up because she still didn’t understand well how it worked and over time she had begun to feel more insecure about her poetry, she reviewed old poems and she was trying to write new ones, but she felt stuck, she didn't want to read any of it in public. Adore said she didn't sign up because she couldn't finish writing the song she wanted to sing, Sasha said she didn't sign up because she couldn't decide on a poem to read, Dela said she didn't know what to present, Tatianna wasn't sure of her poem and Jinkx and Trixie said they didn't because they were embarrassed to sing in front of an audience of strangers. When Katya listened to them, she could feel secure in her decision and had agreed with her friends to come as an audience on Friday and from there go somewhere not yet decided. But now she saw the disappointed faces of her friends and Bob's and Bianca's sadness.

"The Leaves of Grass festival has been taking place under different names for 30 years, always on the same week, this year for the first time, the festival will be canceled because there weren’t enough interested participants." Bob sounded very sad and Katya was struck by the reality of what this meant. "You guys really said fuck Leaves of Grass."

This meant that Katya and all her friends with exceptional talents wouldn’t have a place to expose them just because they had felt intimidated? Katya didn’t respect institutions or traditions, she didn’t care in the least about Valentine's Day, but there was something about missing this opportunity that resonated with her. It was simply a space created by drag queens that kept the department in contact, Katya had already let a lot of things go by out of fear, and she didn’t want this to be another occasion, today she felt braver after comforting Trixie. Then she heard Adore and Dela apologize and Jinkx suggests that next year would be better, she was surprised that no one said what she was thinking.

Katya had incredibly neglected her poetry since she had entered university, in her last year of high school she had written poems daily, poems that she could read later and feel proud, she got along very well with her literature teacher and she encouraged her to enter to contests and she actually won a few, that made her feel like it made sense to keep writing. Surprisingly, in a school where she took a creative writing class, she felt much less motivated to write anything, she loved Professor Brown but she usually put the minimal effort into the texts that she requested for her class. But this time she would make an effort for the festival if her idea worked.

"Wait guys, I have an idea!" Katya yelled as she tightened her grip on Trixie as she pulled them closer to the camera. Neither Bob nor Bianca spoke, but with a nod they instructed her to continue speaking. Katya thought about her words, played with her fingers, and the told her friends. "Between the seven of us we could perform in Leaves of Grass, Tatianna, Sasha and I had thought about reading poetry, Dela could present a sketch, Jinkx, Adore and Trixie sing, even Violet said she wanted to present a cabaret show, to this add the Drag queens that you guys had already had scheduled, we could put on a great show."

Her friends started whispering and suddenly Dela and Jinkx were saying they would accept, Sasha had gotten excited and started talking about how she could put together a full performance.

"Don't be stupid, there isn’t other Leaves of Grass, there is only this one at the beginning of the semester." Bianca said, rolling her eyes, in a desperate tone, but Katya wasn't put off because she saw the interest in Bob's eyes.

"Why only at the beginning? It's awkward, intimidating new students who are just adjusting and it doesn't leave much time to plan, why not mid-semester? Or maybe at the end." Trixie was speaking quickly before Katya could open her mouth, she was gesturing exaggeratedly with her hands and Bob had started to smile.

"So Trixie and Katya, are you proposing that we change the historical date when open mic night has been held for decades because it's awkward?" Bob asked before laughing, Bianca joined him and Katya wasn't sure what was happening and that's why she kept smiling, she noticed her friends doubting the little hope that had sprung up.

"I like them, newbies." Bianca said, clapping her hands with laughter.

"Me too and I think you're right, would you like to organize the event with us? So we agreed to a new date." Bob said just like that and Bianca was smiling. Katya couldn't help but nod and let herself go as everyone accepted, from Tatianna to Trixie, the latter looking at her with a bright smile just after accepting.

“This is very cool, we are going to make a monopoly in the department, I love it, party. Pass me your numbers, Bob and Bianca, you too Jinkx and Trixie and I make a group of organizers. " Adore said excitedly, hugging Tatianna.

"Party." Bianca imitated her with a high-pitched voice that meant "yes."

**#Leavesofgrassisntoverparty**

_Adore added you_

_07:09_

**Bob:**

Leaves of grass ain't canceled, bitches

When is the meeting?

**Bianca:**

SHUT UP BOB

I vote for friday

That night when Jinkx and Katya returned to their room Katya felt happy, she felt that she was floating, she had been able to finish her analysis and she had assured that she would participate in Leaves of Grass after saving it along with her friends. She liked having things to do and knowing that she was making friends. She lay down on her bed and checked the messages that Trixie had sent her on the way to her dorm, she laughed seeing the selfie of Trixie removing her makeup that left pink stains on her lips and black on her eyelids from the eyeliner.

"Trixie just sent me a photo taking off her makeup," she told Jinkx, showing her the photo from afar. “I always hope that when you remove her makeup underneath you will have a bald man in his 30s, but I think she looks the same with or without makeup.”

"I think you could recognize Trixie without seeing her and without knowing she's present," Jinkx said with her actress accent from the 1940s.

"Probably," Katya laughed, responding to Trixie with a photo of her face with a lot of zoom in her eyes.

_07:52_

**Trixie:**

I love your eyes!

What corpse did you steal them from, Frankenstein?

Katya laughed out loud, feeling Jinkx's gaze on her but she concentrated on her cell phone, Jinkx's gaze felt knowing, as if she could taste the happiness of her roommate in the air and Katya was worried, what did Jinkx see when she saw her? She saw a girl texting another girl, a girl who giggled and blushed with every reply. Katya locked her cell phone quickly and gulped when the thought was too heavy. She really thought about it, was she interested in Trixie? She didn't know, she didn't think she was because it was too early to say, plus Trixie had a boyfriend and they were just building a friendship. Katya, to begin with, wasn't sure she was bisexual.

She didn’t respond to Trixie's messages that night and neither to those Trixie continued to send her on Tuesday. She felt so anxious that she was distracted all week, it had been a long time since she felt how she felt that week. Katya knew what it was like to feel bad, she knew how to recognize when she was losing touch with reality and that week she definitely did, it was hard for her to get out of bed and walk and breathe, she always wanted to cry as if tears were always ready in the edge of her eyes. She thought it must have been horrible for Trixie to open up to someone who closed up immediately afterward, she wondered what she thought of her and during the nights that question haunted her and bothered her. Katya was miserable.

"Are you okay, Katya?" Sasha asked Thursday morning while they were in Contemporary Literature class. Katya had spent the last 5 minutes trying to control her breathing because after thinking about her coming across Trixie in the hallway her mind had gone crazy.

"Yes," was all Katya could answer to keep her from crying in the middle of class.

Sasha's eyes were fixed on her and since they shared all the classes they were never separated from her, she saw her talking and walking and staying quiet and Katya was scared of what Sasha might see.

"Katya," Sasha spoke up Friday morning as the two of them sat alone in the garden waiting to get into writing class. “I have noticed that you aren’t well, I hope I am not intruding but I want you to know that you can count on me, if you want to talk about what bothers you, I am here.”

And Katya couldn't help crying, this time it was inevitable. She could feel tears drain silently first, so quiet that Sasha had turned away and hadn't noticed them, but then the tears hadn't stopped and Katya couldn't stop it. She was crying in the daylight, she was shaking and Sasha was sitting next to her without realizing it, was it so easy to ignore someone else's emotions? She questioned and her mind returned to Trixie and how she was ignoring her after she was perfectly nice to her and she sobbed loudly causing Sasha to finally turn to look at her and widen her eyes in surprise.

"Katya, Katya, shit, I don't know what to do," Sasha said, waving her arms but stopping abruptly. “Can I touch you?”

Katya nodded and Sasha hugged her gently, her head stayed in Sasha’s red hair, Katya tried to catch her breath but she just kept sobbing and crying as Sasha stroked her back.

"Do you want to go to your bedroom?" Sasha asked without letting her go. Katya nodded against her neck and Sasha got up from the grass after offering her help to get up. “I'll ask Jinkx where your bedroom is because I have no idea, but come on.”

And Katya didn't feel like offering to guide her or worrying what Jinkx would think, she kept crying and her eyes burned from the mascara she had put on in the morning. Sasha finally moved forward taking Katya's hand and she couldn't take her eyes off her feet without feeling connected to the movement they were making.

"Do you want to talk about… anything?" Sasha asked, without getting an answer. Katya didn't know exactly what was wrong but she knew if she opened her mouth words would come out that she didn't know where they were in her brain.

Katya heard Sasha speak in that tone of voice that was soft like velvet and she only felt as if that velvet caressed her cheeks but she couldn't look at Sasha. When they got to her bedroom Sasha sat with her on the edge of her bed and they silently continued holding hands while Katya continued crying. Katya thought that when she met Sasha she would never have imagined collapsing in front of her, she would never have imagined that Sasha with all her interesting art projects and perfect smile could give Katya attention, the same Katya that couldn’t come out of constant mediocrity.

Time stretched out in silence, Katya had laid down and pulled Sasha to lie down beside her still holding her hand. Her crying was decreasing but from time to time it intensified and Sasha stroked her back. It was comfortable to be accompanied in silence, she wouldn’t like to be alone in those moments.

"The meeting for Leaves of Grass is in ten minutes, are you interested in going?" Sasha asked, looking at her phone quickly.

"Shit, we wasted all day on this," Katya said, feeling like she might cry again just thinking that she wasted Sasha’s time,time that she could be putting to use in her multiple projects.

“And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to tell them that we’ll not go, let’s get you something to eat." said Sasha reassuring her. She wrote quickly on her cell phone and then shoved it into her pants like it was the least important thing in the world. She looked at Katya with a smile. “Do you want to eat or watch a movie?”

Katya reflected on it as if it were a very complicated decision, she thought that she would like to remain in the room lying next to Sasha while they watched some movie on her laptop, but then she thought that she would inevitably cry again and her irritated eyes didn’t feel ready to cry again. She thought they could go eat in the dining room so they would both be distracted and probably Sasha could leave after eating and Katya could stop bothering her. So she suggested getting something to eat and Sasha nodded excitedly, taking her backpack from where she had thrown it at the entrance of the room, Katya also took her bag and noticed for the first time how Sasha had left the coffee that she had been giving Katya at Jinkx's desk, Katya thought that Sasha hadn't even had a chance to give her her morning coffee.

In the dining room after paying each for their salads, because Sasha was a vegetarian and Katya wasn't very hungry, they sat side by side at a table. Katya realized that she felt connected to her body for the first time in the whole week, she felt present next to Sasha and it was almost overwhelming but it wasn't. She felt like Eve when she realized she was naked realizing that probably all her makeup had come off while she was crying and that she probably looked like a mess. She opened the camera of her phone and began to clean the remnants of the mascara from her cheeks, she also adjusted her bangs and then she only saw herself on the camera, she thought she looked extremely good for having spent the whole day crying.

"Come on Sasha," Katya said, leaning next to Sasha and settling her cell phone to take selfies in which Sasha smiled and put a hand around her shoulders with all the confidence in the world.

Katya separated from Sasha and looked at the photos carefully, they looked like normal photos of two friends, but these photos meant something in the context of her life, these photos taken after a horrible day were significant and Katya would never forget that she had been through this with Sasha. She uploaded one to her Instagram with the description: 'Whenever I find myself with doubts about the future I ask myself 'what would @sashavelour do?' and I move on.’ Immediately Adore, Violet, Ginger and Trixie liked the photo and Katya had to lock her phone immediately when she saw the notification of a comment she didn’t read from Trixie. Sasha was staring at her, with interest, as if she was trying to understand Katya. Katya took a deep breath and closed her eyes, massaged her temples and began to speak without thinking exactly what she wanted to say.

"I think I'm having an identity crisis." was the first thing that came out of Katya's mouth. "I'm doubting about everything, especially about my sexuality and I feel overwhelmed, I don't think I know how to handle my stress."

"I think it's normal to doubt," Sasha said, lowering her fork, a solemn air had formed around her. “I'm not a professional and it would probably be better for you to go to a professional, but you can talk to me and the girls, maybe you can't help it but don't close yourself, we are here for you and don't rush for your sexuality, let yourself feel things."

And those words stuck in Katya, it was as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was able to eat her salad with ease, she was able to say goodbye to Sasha with a smile and go to her room with her spirits high. When she opened the door to her bedroom, Jinkx hadn't arrived yet and she thought she might feel bad again if she just sat down and thought, then after putting her bag on the desk she saw Jinkx's scissors and quickly thought about her hair and how she could cut it. She didn't think much about it and ran to the bathroom with the scissors in hand, parting her hair in two ponytails with the hair ties she always carried on her wrists, and cutting it down to her shoulders. She looked at herself in the mirror loosening her hair from the ponytails and then cut a few uneven locks before she was satisfied with the way she looked, she looked like Charlize Theron in the Atomic Blonde movie and it felt good, she felt ready to move on with her life. She would no longer fear anything and at that moment she decided that she wouldn’t miss any other opportunity.

_05:00_

**Katya:**

[photo showing off her new haircut]

hi i'm a brand new person

_05:01_

**Trixie:**

I love it Katya!

You look 30

By that mean, you look younger

The next day was Saturday and Katya had gotten up early for the first time in a long time. She was lazily checking her Instagram, the light was bothering her eyes because since it was five in the morning, she didn’t want to turn on the light and bother Jinkx.

_05:20_

**Trixie:**

Katya I'm going to drop out of school

I look too good to study

[photo of Trixie with makeup, hair done and still in pajamas]

We should meet today and I can do your makeup and I correct the crookedness of your haircut

or let's have breakfast

Katya watched the messages come in and her eyebrows rose higher with each one, she read the last one with a smile before feeling the nerves grow in her stomach. She shifted under her heavy blanket and ignored the messages sliding down her feed. Her mind had filled up very fast, she thought that she had only been talking to Trixie for a few weeks, but then she remembered Sasha's words and remembered that she shouldn’t be afraid, and of course she was afraid but she opened Trixie's chat and began to write.

_05:22_

**Katya:**

you look so pretty i can’t believe you know how to read

you’re like when Beatriz tells Dante in heaven 

that she can't smile at him because she's going to blind him

you are Beatriz

come to my room and let's have breakfast

see you at 7


	5. that woman in love was you

> _you hear the demented siren that stole him_
> 
> _the ship with seafoam beards_
> 
> _where laughter died_
> 
> _you remember that last embrace_
> 
> _oh, no anguish at all_
> 
> _laugh in the handkerchief cry wild laughs_
> 
> _but close the doors of your face_
> 
> _so later they can’t say_
> 
> _that woman in love was you_
> 
> **—Woman in Love, Alejandra Pizarnik**

Something had happened when Katya and Trixie met outside the school, they didn't really do anything, they sat in a cafe and talked and laughed until their stomachs hurt, Katya couldn't tell exactly what they talked about because she was very nervous, she left the conversation flow while on the other hand she was so nervous. But from that day on things changed, Katya was able to confirm that Trixie was funny, intelligent, honest and very soft, as she continued to meet her she found more adjectives to describe her and it seemed incredible to her, Trixie had all the stability that Katya wanted, but never had. That's why Katya sometimes thought that Trixie needed the chaos that she was to stabilize herself. 

Their lives were quite different, while Trixie's consisted of constantly going out with John to see the city and working, but also she studied everyday and did very well in her tests, she had everything under control and she always told Katya that they did when she went out with John. Katya's life was much more boring, going to school, spending time with her friends without going anywhere and spending weekends lying in her room watching a rerun of a program she had already seen.

The month of October served Trixie and Katya to get to know each other in every way, the days passed and they formed small routines such as always seeing each other after some classes or Trixie accompanied Katya to smoke in the smoking area and thus the two spoke alone, At first they only saw each other between classes or after class they stayed to talk sitting in the garden, they didn’t see each other all the time, apparently the two of them enjoyed their time alone a lot and they only saw each other once a week in the organization meetings of the festival, but they were always texting and sometimes making video calls, it was a blossoming friendship that Katya loved. They were always exchanging Spotify playlists and finding common likings even when they didn't have many.

"Katya, do you want to do something today?" Trixie asked one day, their classes had ended some time ago and they had left their friends with the excuse of going to the smoking area, but Katya had only lit a cigarette and had let it burn between her fingers away from Trixie possible because she was so entertained laughing. 

“Something like what?” Katya asked, lighting another cigarette and taking a drag that barely managed to reassure her. Trixie was looking at her expectantly, she was blinking fast and seemed nervous but she didn't hesitate to answer her friend's question.

“I don't know, this is going to sound like I had other intentions but no, this afternoon my roommate isn’t going to be there and I was thinking that maybe we could see something, maybe one of your subtitled movies that you always reference and I never understand or Some competition show that kills some brain cells, the possibilities are endless.” Trixie scoffed , doing jazz hands and Katya laughed. Since her days in Boston she hadn't gotten around to doing nothing in particular with a friend, she usually watched things on Netflix with Jinkx and probably just because they were roommates and Jinkx felt committed to seeing what Katya mentioned.

"I'd love to kill some brain cells with you, Trixie Mattel," Katya agreed, exhaling the smoke in the opposite direction to Trixie to hide her smile and to prevent the smoke from ending up on her face like it had done a few times causing her to start coughing excessively.

Katya vaguely remembered the way to Trixie's room so again she let herself be guided by her, again Trixie's bedroom was completely organized on her side while her roommate Pearl's was as disorganized as Katya's, she felt comfortable in Trixie's room because she remembered it well, plus Trixie was very nice as a host, she hung up Katya's bag for her, pointed to her bed where she confidently invited her to lie down and handed her her laptop so that she could choose something on Netflix as she changed out of her dress quickly to be more comfortable.

Katya felt responsible for choosing something that both of them could enjoy and began to see what Netflix suggested to Trixie's account, a makeup competition show called Glow up was suggested and by watching the trailer Katya knew that the two could entertain themselves and kill time. Trixie came out of the bathroom dressed in loose gray sweatpants and an oversized black sweatshirt and Katya realized that it was probably the first time she had seen her so untidy and the contrast of her comfortable clothes with her makeup and hair still perfectly arranged was very interesting. Katya quickly looked at her own outfit of black jeans and red sweater and decided that she felt comfortable, only her boots were bothering her a bit and she began to take them off with a glance at Trixie who nodded in response.

“What are we gonna watch?” Trixie asked, sitting very close to Katya's side. Katya may have thought that she was very close because her arms were clasped and yet Trixie leaned further on Katya to see the screen of the laptop that she had on her lap. Katya felt nervous, but she ignored it to show Trixie the trailer. “I love it, I've been thinking about watching it for days.”

And so, being so extremely close, Katya played the first episode realizing she had put on the second season. Katya thought that maybe Trixie would move so she could put the computer in front of the two of them like she did with Jinkx, but Trixie stayed leaning on her side, leaning just under her chin comfortably, she thought that they were technically snuggled, or at least Trixie was snuggling with her because Katya had both of her hands in front of her not knowing what to do with them, she thought about hugging Trixie, but it sounded very intimate. So she better concentrated on the show, ignoring the heat and scent of Trixie and the feel of her hair against her neck.

"I'm pretty sure you could do better than that," Katya said, pointing to one of the looks a makeup artist was doing.

"I think so too," Trixie said and the two stared at each other before laughing. “Seriously, editorial makeup is just a matter of following the guidelines of the brands, once I had the opportunity to work with a brand and I learned a lot, it is all about thinking about the lighting.”

They continued to comment on the first episode, Katya found Trixie's surprised and excited reactions very interesting, especially it was interesting to be able to see them so closely, they were such genuine reactions that they made her smile. Trixie said she loved listening to Katya laugh at something that wasn’t funny at all and Katya laughed at that.

"Katya, that you laugh at things that are not funny is not something funny, it’s worrisome darling," Trixie said in a fake British accent that made Katya giggle and move her hands to hit her knees but her arm somehow ended up wrapped around Trixie's waist and Katya squeezed it while laughing, she felt strange doing it but when she was going to move her arm because she was no longer laughing and wanted to play the next episode, Trixie didn't let her move her arm because she kept it in place with her elbow as she played the next episode.

"I'm very comfortable, you're like one of those cuddle pillows," Trixie said, settling herself even more comfortably on Katya's side, she thought she was almost sitting on her lap and her breath caught in her throat because Trixie had passed her arm around her shoulders and Katya felt warm.

"Maybe you should pay me for my human pillow service," Katya murmured knowing her response was mediocre but she didn't know what else to say, her body felt extremely hot in all the places where it connected with Trixie's. She just laughed and gripped her shoulders, the chapter was playing and it looked like Trixie meant to say something.

The door opened abruptly and Pearl entered the room, tossing her backpack on the floor. Katya could feel Trixie freeze completely and didn't understand what happened, but Pearl was suddenly looking at them amused and Trixie jumped to the other side of the bed leaving a huge space between the two. The episode was still playing, but Trixie was shifting, settling on the other side and Pearl had thrown herself on her bed looking at them with a smile.

"Pearl… I thought you were in your acting classes," Trixie said, sounding flustered, or like she had just run a marathon and could barely breathe.

"They were canceled, but don't worry, keep watching your show, I won't make noise and you won't even realize I'm here," Pearl said, accentuating her words with gestures that Katya could see made Trixie blush. 

They continued to watch the program more quietly, from time to time they made a comment, but they didn’t have much to say, she could hear Pearl's laughter looking her cell phone and as time passed Katya began to think that maybe Trixie was ashamed of her, after all she had moved away from her the moment Pearl opened the door when she had just said that she was very comfortable. She started to feel progressively worse and she could tell how Trixie seemed to notice because she looked away from the episode only to return to her.

"You're a long way off, Kat," Trixie murmured with a smile that was trying to be funny, but seemed more flustered by Katya's reaction who flinched at how strange the nickname sounded and at what Trixie had said. She concentrated on continuing to watch the episode as she responded by muttering as well.

"I'm making room for Jesus ."

Trixie giggled and sneaked up next to Katya, but not like they were before. Katya felt slightly better when she held her hand and so in that vibe they continued to watch the episodes.

"Katya, look at how that model is staring at the camera," Trixie said, about to laugh.

And with that the two laughed for a long time and very loud every time a model with blue makeup looked at the camera, the atmosphere returned to before Pearl arrived while between the two they made comments almost every second about the show, they were further away but when they looked at each other with smiles they felt just as close as before. Katya began to recognize the feeling as perhaps attraction every time she stared at Trixie's lips before letting the thought fly so she could continue to enjoy watching the show with her.

Katya began to doubt her routine with Trixie, first she wanted to know if she was ashamed of her, she wanted to know if she was ashamed when she touched her in public and one day while they were all sitting in the garden eating together before starting a meeting, she put her hand on Trixie's knee as if she hadn't noticed, she was feeling so nervous about Trixie moving away from her. Sasha was talking about how she was working on the first issue of a magazine along with a girl named Crystal and another named Heidi and they were all listening intently asking questions about the process from time to time, but when Katya put her hand on her knee Trixie noticed the gazes from Adore and Violet catch on the gesture and her nerves grew. She couldn't turn to see Trixie because she was pretending to listen to Sasha, but suddenly she felt Trixie's hand placed on top of hers and she didn't turn to look at her, but she knew she was smiling.

With that she could realize that Trixie wasn’t ashamed of her and that small gesture was enough for her to be more tactile with her all the time, when they were sitting side by side they would put their hands on the other's knee or Trixie would hug her or out of nowhere she grabbed her arm as they walked. Katya usually didn't take the initiative, she didn't remember ever being so loving to someone, in fact she sometimes wondered if Trixie was so loving to her own boyfriend. One time Adore, Tatianna, Sasha, Trixie and Katya ended up watching Liza Minelli's Cabaret in the apartment that Bob shared with Monet. Sasha and Bob knew the songs by heart and were singing them at the top of their lungs, the rest were just watching the movie and Katya was entertained because Liza Minelli was interesting to watch with her huge eyelashes and short hair, but suddenly, Trixie laid her head on Katya's thighs and she got distracted by that, looking at Trixie's hair and playing with it, braiding it and running her fingers shyly through it, Trixie signed comfortably and elbowed Katya when she stopped stroking her hair.

Katya felt a bit confused about what was happening with Trixie, she liked being around her and sometimes she believed that she was a little attracted to her, but it was difficult to explain. She preferred to ignore it, she preferred to focus on the day to day where she spoke a lot with Jinkx and Sasha, for some time Jinkx spent the weekends with her, but then Jinkx, Dela and Adore started going out on the weekends and at the beginning Katya missed her, but then she realized that probably Dela and Jinkx of liked each other and she preferred not to interrupt. Whenever she saw them together they were usually surrounded by all of them and the two always seemed eager to be able to speak alone, she left her doubts unanswered about those two and it wasn't until one day after the last Leaves of Grass meeting that Adore cleared up her doubts on many subjects.

The two of them were sitting in the garden waiting for everyone to finish their classes to meet. They were talking about everything and nothing, Adore had started talking about how she had been talking to a girl who studied architecture, but she was also talking to a girl that she had met in a bar, and Katya was perhaps not very up to date on gossip, but as far as she knew Adore was talking to Bianca even though she didn't know if he was attracted to women.

"I thought you were dating Bianca or well, Roy?" She asked, not knowing if her question was dumb. Adore looked at her with raised eyebrows and laughed, but she didn’t scoff, Katya could quickly see how she had been waiting to talk about it.

“I also thought we were dating, or well, I was always confused because I thought he was gay but then I kept flirting and he answered and Tatianna and I were convinced that he liked me but one afternoon after a meeting he told: "Adore, I'm gay." And I think that made it clear to me” Adore started laughing and Katya joined her because her laugh was contagious, not so much because she found the story funny, in fact she didn't know what to make of the story. “And I don't know, that left me thinking and I think that in the last weeks I have come to the conclusion that I am also gay, I mean lesbian, I thought I was bisexual but I am not so convinced anymore, in fact, I wanted to ask you, how did you know you were gay?”

Katya felt her smile falter and looked at Adore with wide eyes like Adore had looked at her just now when she asked about Bianca. Adore looked at her expectantly and Katya smiled feeling her mouth go dry, she looked away and despite the fact that her head was full of thoughts she felt that she was not thinking anything. Since Dela had made that comment about Miss Michaels on the first day and Jinkx had talked about being bisexual, Katya's sexuality hadn't been brought to light. Not even Sasha since she collapsed crying had mentioned it, of course her friends talked freely about who they dated or who they found attractive and Katya now realized that she only mentioned pretty women, if she saw any on Instagram or if her friends mentioned someone she commented on them, but on men she never knew what to say. She guessed then that it was obvious that Adore thought she was gay, but she also didn't know what to say to Adore.

"You don't need to answer, I understand if maybe it's something that I have to understand on my own, I want to try talking to Sasha as well," Adore said, putting her hand on Katya's and giving it a light squeeze that made her feel less tense.

"No, it's not that I don't want to answer you, I just don't know what to answer you. I've also been having doubts about my sexuality, but I don't have a definitive answer, I don't even know if I like women. ”Katya said, squeezing Adore's hand back and Adore was so surprised that she moved her head back and the sunglasses that rested on top of her head fell to the grass and the two of them relaxed laughing at that.

"Jesus ... Well, I don't know if I should say this, but I was pretty sure you were in love with Trixie," Adore said and Katya immediately felt how she felt the last time she stopped talking to Trixie for a week, and wanted to push away the feeling on her body, but she was already feeling nervous again.

"No, I don't like Trixie, she's my friend," she said immediately, not even sure if it was true, Adore again looked surprised. “Besides, she has a boyfriend and she seems pretty straight to me.”

"I thought maybe you would be interested in an impossible romance." Adore shrugged before laughing and this time Katya could barely keep the smile on her lips. “And yes, Trixie looks so straight, no offense.”

That discouraged Katya a little more and she didn’t know exactly why, she preferred to continue speaking before falling into the spiral of her thoughts.

“You could talk to Jinkx or Dela, I'm sure that they would have good answers” Katya said, her thoughts about her sexuality and being in love with Trixie and Trixie and heterosexuality growing.

“Oh, I've talked to them and they gave me very good answers, in fact, I think when I asked the two a weekend that was when they finally declared their feelings for each other,” Adore said and this time Katya laughed with surprise. “I’m serious, the last few weekends we go out I disappear and let them talk because girl,the way they look at each other it’s… private.”

And that meeting started and ended as they normally do. Trixie by Katya's side holding onto Katya's forearm every time something seemed funny to her but this time Katya couldn't feel totally happy. Also, for the first time she felt that she should pay attention to her surroundings, she felt that she hadn’t paid attention to her friends because she was focused on Trixie and she felt guilty. They were all seated around a table in the library cubicle and Katya stopped by each of her friends, Bob was busy taking care of the lights and necessary permits with the department with the help of her friend Monet and Bianca and Adore, they looked very serious and mature and Katya felt somewhat proud to be working with people who took their work so seriously, next to them were Tatianna, Violet, Aquaria and Sasha talking and checking something on their phones, Katya supposed that the festival's Instagram because Violet and Sasha especially had been taking care of the account very well, next to them were Jinkx and Dela talking about the decoration and cutting pieces of paper in the shape of stars, then there were Trixie and Katya who were in charge of the itinerary and through all the meetings they had created an itinerary listening to everyone's suggestions, in this last meeting the itinerary was complete and since Trixie and Katya entered they had only been talking and laughing, Katya had almost forgotten her conversation with Adore before the meeting but no, whenever she thought she was forgetting it she remembered that she was forgetting it and the cycle began again.

Since Sasha and Katya had missed the first organizing meeting, Katya hadn't been away again and neither had Trixie, because they usually sat side by side. The meetings had been a lot of fun, they spent half laughing and the other half talking about serious things, the first meetings were generally a disaster, but then Bianca got tired and made a list of 8 points that they had to cover during each of the 8 meetings they would have until the night of the festival, it had been decided that the new date would be the first Friday of November, Jinkx had decided that date after thinking about the midpoint of the semester.

"Think about it this way, at that point we've been here for two months and we'll be far enough from the end of the semester to have no excuses for missing it." Jinkx said at one of the first meetings they had in Dela's bedroom.

That specific meeting was interesting, Ginger was in the room and she had asked to sign up to sing. Katya and Trixie were trying out a new pink lipstick that Trixie had bought at Mac, when the two of them arrived in the bedroom Adore noticed that they were wearing the same lipstick and started teasing her about how strange it was to see Katya with a shade other than red. Now Katya understood that Adore might have thought it a romantic act to wear the same lip color, but then she also remembered how everyone at that point knew that Katya and Trixie had become best friends and that day with that comment they barely blinked an eye. They weren't surprised and preferred to continue planning the festival. Katya doubted if everyone thought she was madly in love with Trixie. The two were sitting side by side and while Bob explained the show's schedules the two of them were trying Instagram filters on Trixie's cell phone.

"Oh my gosh, Trixie and Katya you’re wearing me out with your laughs." Bianca said in the middle of the meeting. "If you want to flirt you can get yourself a room."

Immediately there was total silence in the room, even Tatianna had stopped texting making noise with her nails and was watching like everyone else between Trixie and Katya and Bianca. Katya didn't understand at the time what was happening and she wondered if they were really being so loud, Trixie had taken her hand off Katya's arm and looked embarrassed even though she smiled and rolled her eyes as if nothing had happened. Sasha was on the other side of the room and was looking at Katya with worried eyes. Now Katya remembered the moment and felt frozen, she began to believe that everyone thought she was in love with Trixie.

"Don't joke about that, Bianca." She remembered hearing Sasha say, totally serious and Katya felt protected, she smiled at her and Sasha smiled back. The meeting continued after a few looks exchanged between Sasha, Dela, Jinkx, and Adore. Katya didn't understand what was going on and looked at Trixie, but she just smiled at him as if nothing had happened. 

From there Katya began to pay more attention to the meetings and especially to how her friends acted in an attempt to figure out what was happening, but she didn't seem to understand why Sasha suddenly gave her all her attention and asked her at the end of some meetings if she was fine. What she did notice in each meeting was that her friends were very intelligent, not what she would think they were dumb, but their ideas were just so brilliant and logical that she liked them. One idea that surprised her was the one Violet proposed one afternoon that unexpectedly ended up accompanying them to a meeting in a library cubicle. Violet and Aquaria had sat in the corner and only the two of them were talking to each other in whispers. Bob was leading the meeting where they talked about how to spread the flayers and which walls to stick them on. Out of nowhere she heard a bored sigh from Violet and she brought her chair closer to the table where everyone was sitting in silence from the noise of her chair.

"Why aren't you promoting yourselves on social media? It's very vintage and polluting to use posters. I could take care of social media, I know how to do it. This festival won’t be canceled again.”

And so she had taken the position of manager of social networks, had created an Instagram and Twitter, ignored Facebook because she said that only "old people" used it and did a great job on Instagram, suddenly the festival page had many followers and Violet kept it active, uploaded photos of the meetings, the flayer, the garden decoration process and thus they ended up with many registrations, they were able to put together an itinerary of 23 varied performances, from acting, to music and above all a lot of poetry.

Violet began uploading photos of each participant describing what time they would be there and what they would present. There was a specific photo that Violet posted that Katya liked, she took one day when everyone was decorating the garden in the afternoon, Trixie and Katya were practicing with Bob and Laganja, a senior, how to close the show and they were laughing. In the photo the two were almost embracing, holding each other's arms and laughing, so on the surface it didn't sound like something special, but there was something about the spontaneousness of the photo, in the way the two were looking into each other's eyes full of happiness. That something made Katya always return to the photo, one day she returned to that photo while she was eating with Sasha and she thought that she wasn’t paying attention to her. 

But Sasha was very observant and she noticed, she smiled at Katya and went over to see the photo with her. Katya felt uncomfortable and locked her cell phone, but she knew from Sasha's hand on her shoulder that nothing had happened. At that moment Katya briefly wondered if she was attracted to Sasha, Sasha with her red hair and bright smile and deep blue eyes, the same Sasha she could talk to without getting tired. She was left with that doubt about Sasha from that day on and left it in the back of her mind, during rehearsals she would stop to watch her practice her performance and it was certainly interesting to give her attention, the way she moved freely on stage, and her deep voice sounded excellent into the microphone. Katya could only describe Sasha as calm, everything about her was calm and that attracted her. She thought she had a chance with her. Now she felt like she was starting to breathe heavily as Trixie talked to her about where she had gone out to eat with John yesterday, Sasha would never have noticed her because she thought she was in love with Trixie.

Katya then recalled a rehearsal a few weeks ago when while Katya was watching Sasha present her poems again, she had created a very ambitious presentation where in just five minutes she would lyp sync a Wisława Szymborska poem read by her grandmother, then transaction to a song in French and would end in a poem written by her entitled 'Dichotomy of Opposites' that she had given Katya to read for her comments, Katya was surprised by what she read, it was a serious and funny poem that had references to pop culture and in one snippet it mentioned Katya and she was honored. Katya was dazzled watching Sasha move on stage and Trixie, after spending a lot of time singing her guitar, had finally sat on the grass next to her and the two of them were looking at Sasha silently as Bianca yelled directions on stage.

"Sasha is very pretty, isn't she?" Trixie asked, breaking the silence, staring at Katya's profile. Katya turned to look into her eyes and it seemed that the question meant something, but Katya didn’t guess that and until now it seemed like a strange memory.

"Yes, I like her." Katya answered doubtfully. Trixie only stared at her for another moment and looked away with a sigh.

"Katya, repeat say it with me," Sasha yelled from the microphone, drawing her attention. Katya smiled because she knew immediately what Sasha was referring to and the two of them repeated the passage from Sasha's poem where she described her: “Katya has a Russian name / a red mouth / long blonde hair / and smoking with her is like winning the cold war / Lenin in the streets , Dostoyevsky in the sheets.."

Trixie watched the exchange carefully, saw Bianca, Sasha, and Katya giggling, but she got up from the grass with an awkward smile and the excuse that she needed to go to the bathroom. Katya was laughing, but she still noticed how strange Trixie was, watched her walk away and felt strange. She couldn't stop thinking about it, she saw Adore, Dela, Jinkx and some other guests rehearse, but her mind was preoccupied, when it was time to rehearse her performance she got on stage, adjusted the microphone to her height as Bob indicated and took out the notebook where she had written her poem. All her friends were sitting on the grass and they were clapping their hands, it was starting to get dark and Katya looked for Trixie but couldn't find her. It wasn't like it was the only time she had rehearsed, she had rehearsed about four times and all four times Trixie had been there to cheer her on, it felt strange not to see her big blonde hair in the audience. Katya sighed and looked at her poem listening to Jinkx encourage her.

Her poem was called Perestroika and he had written it in mid-September, she had written it on a sleepless night in the notes app on her cell phone and when she reread it the next day she thought it was the best she had written in months, and later from spending days reading and correcting it she showed it to Jinkx who immediately told her she loved it, she showed it to Adore, Sasha, Tatianna and Dela. Adore said it was “fucking cool ”, Sasha congratulated her on the construction of the poem and pointed out some places where she could correct the rhythm, Tatianna told her she loved it and showed her her poem called “Same parts”, Dela congratulated her and said that she loved how she portrayed a new version of love in her poem. Katya loved being able to discuss her poem so freely with her friends, it was liberating compared to Juju and Courtney who, despite supporting her, preferred not to read her poems because they said they “didn't understand them”.

Katya decided to show her poem to Professor Brown, she went to her cubicle after class and sat in front of her explaining that she wanted the poem to present it in Leaves of Grass and the teacher sat quietly to read her poem, pointing out some things with a red pen. Katya felt nervous, despite knowing that teacher Brown was friendly, it intimidated her to show it to a teacher who specialized in judging creative texts.

"I love it, I pointed you out some correction suggestions," said Professor Brown when she finished reading it, turning the pages in the direction of Katya who could notice some red circles with small annotations. “I love the vision of love you represent here, I never would have imagined that love could be compared to a Russian economic reform. I'm a fan of your mind. "

Katya was struck by how everyone mentioned love when she was not seeing it, she had written about the image of sitting with Trixie in the garden of the apartment one afternoon when no one was there. For some reason she didn't show the poem to Trixie, she preferred not to mention it in front of her and so Trixie only listened to it until rehearsals and never told her that he was based on a moment with her. She didn't clearly know why, but even though she thought about it, it never seemed natural to mention it to her.

She remembered looking up and focused on the moment of rehearsing her poem, rearranging her feet on stage and tightening her fingers around the notebook, she took a deep breath and looked back at the audience where now she could distinguish Trixie hugging John with a smile, she didn’t know in what moment he had appeared and she read her poem constantly returning her gaze to them. 

But that incident had been two weeks ago and since then Trixie and Katya had continued as if nothing had happened. Katya felt petrified in her place, it felt as if there was a deafening noise in the room, but there was no more noise than normal, conversations in a normal tone and she felt like crying, it was such an overwhelming feeling as if she had fallen into frozen water and the water was so deep she couldn't tell if she was in a river, the sea or a glass of water. She didn’t know what she was feeling and she looked at Trixie who continued talking about what she had done yesterday with her boyfriend and looked around where everyone was busy and knew that she had to calm down, she knew she could afford a crisis at that moment.

"Katya, what do you think?" Violet called her, making her turn her attention away from Trixie and meet the eyes of Violet, Aquaria, Tatianna and Sasha, it was somewhat intimidating but she didn't look away. “We’re going to post the poster again in a more striking color, red or yellow?”

"Yellow," Trixie answered immediately while Katya was still thinking about it.

"Yes, thank you, I said Katya," Violet rolled her eyes and only Aquaria's giggles were heard as Trixie laughed uncomfortably because she knew Violet wasn't joking, Violet's gaze was still fixed on Katya.

"I would say red, but not too dark" Katya replied, noticing Sasha's smile.

"I told you so, thanks, Katya, I love your taste," Sasha winked before continuing to speak with Violet.

Katya turned back to Trixie and she seemed to have ignored the whole exchange with Violet and when she saw that she had her attention again she continued talking about what she had been doing with John. Katya was beginning to miss the amount of things that Trixie was telling her related to John, usually she didn’t mention him so much, it was as if he were an untouchable topic and that day the glass had been broken and she was speaking non-stop, Katya wasn't even there I'm sure she was talking, but it was related to a Netflix show, John making fun of Trixie and Trixie making fun of John.

The meeting ended and for days all had agreed to celebrate in a bar that the meetings had finished, Bianca said that she knew a very good one and that there they could celebrate. They had all accepted in the group chat and Katya had been excited about the prospect, but now she felt exhausted, she wanted and felt the need to get to her bed and sleep, she wanted to be alone or at least be with Jinkx to hear the noise of a human presence.

She said goodbye to everyone and walked silently with Jinkx to her room, when the two of them arrived Jinkx layed on her bed in silence and Katya could feel her cell phone vibrating with notifications and she supposed they were messages from Trixie and Juju and Courtney but she didn’t felt the strength to check them. She slept for barely half an hour and when she woke up she felt like doing something, she felt that she had a lot of energy and she remembered a book of poetry that she had brought with her from home and was making dust on one of her shelves, she felt so desperate that she grabbed it and lying on her bed began to read it.

"Katya, are you coming?" Jinkx asked, Katya turned to see her looking away from her book and saw Jinkx as she curled her hair on her desk. The truth was that Katya no longer knew if she wanted to go, she was disheveled and covered up reading a poetry book by Paul Auster that she had bought on sale and that, above all, she didn't understand, perhaps she thought that it wasn’t the time to go out, that maybe she should stay in her room and relax after how devastated she had felt today, despite still having nervous energy running through her body, she thought that maybe she needed calm. She checked the time on her cell phone and it was already 8:40, Jinkx would probably leave at 9 and Katya would no longer have time to get ready, it would be a frustrating process and she was already feeling somewhat frustrated, she just needed to be alone, maybe.

"I don't know, I'm thinking of staying in and reading as a stereotype of English." Katya scoffed, adjusting the glasses on the bridge of her nose.

Jinkx laughed and continued to curl her hair while humming songs that Katya was unaware of. While she was still stuck rereading a poem for the third time, Jinkx said goodbye to her, she insisted a little more if she wanted to go, but in the end, Jinkx respected her denial and promised that if she returned early they would watch an episode of Glow Up. She wasn’t sure how long it was before her cell phone vibrated next to her, interrupting her reading, she saw that it was a call from Trixie and sighed heavily before answering without knowing what to expect.

"Katya, Jinkx told me you didn't go." Trixie's strong voice was heard. “I'm going to pick you up in your room, I won't take no for an answer.”

Katya rolled her eyes and couldn't help but smile, of course she didn't feel like going out, but it seemed so perfectly Trixie to force her out. Katya looked around her room and looked at her naked nails before thinking about what to reply to Trixie who kept making noises when walking from her side of the call.

"Wow, I could be offended by this, I'll wait for you in my room, I guess," Katya replied, feigning disinterest.

"It's Friday night we have to go out, it's pathetic to be alone on a Friday," Trixie complained, making a lot of noise. “I'm on my way, Katya, I want you to be decent when I get to your room.”

Trixie hung up and suddenly nerves had filled Katya, she had turned around the room seeing all the mess they had between her and Jinkx, neither of them was particularly organized and their things were mixed up all over the place so that only they knew what was happening. Katya's bed wasn’t made and her desk chair was full of clean clothes and the floor around her bed full of socks. She quickly got up from her bed and began to pick up her clothes and hide them in the closet, picked up all the trash from her food wrappers and threw them into the trash can and even though the room was starting to look more orderly, Katya knew in the moment she tried to arrange her covers it would look like she tried to fix everything, then she left her bed unmade and sat on it.

But then she jumped up and opened her closet looking for what to wear, she began to go through his clothes until she found one dress that she personally liked a lot. Suddenly she had a shot of adrenaline that motivated her to get ready, if she was going out that night she would do it right, she would look good and she wouldn’t think about Trixie or what she felt or if everyone believed that she was in love with her, it would simply be Katya in its maximum splendor, as her friends had not yet seen it. She quickly changed in the bathroom putting on her black latex dress fully adjusted to the body with long sleeves and a high collar, she looked at herself in the mirror and left the fishnet stockings already brought under her skirt that day and thought again that she had to look and feel good tonight. She sat in front of the desk and began to put on her make up quickly, so fast she felt her looking better. Katya tidied her hair with a little hairspray and made sure she had her fringe well arranged before putting on her thick-soled black boots and checking on her cell phone that in less than half an hour she had been able to put together a look that she liked and felt safe. 

She heard Trixie knock on the door and took her phone, key and charger and put them in her bag before opening to find the surprise that it wasn't only Trixie, John was standing next to her, whom Katya had only seen him in the photos Trixie had uploaded since their last meeting. She was somewhat shocked seeing them and smiled awkwardly, wishing she had known earlier that John would be here.

"Hello," Trixie greeted her, she was dressed very formal with a dress full of pink, black and silver glitters arranged in squares, the dress was mini with short sleeves with a turtleneck, her hair was up in a 60s look with a lot volume and her makeup was flawless. She looked beautiful and John was in an outfit very similar to the one Katya had seen him last time.

"Hello guys" Katya greeted back, immediately canceling the idea of inviting them to her room and rather turning off the light and closing the door behind her. "Should we get going?"

"Hi Katya" John smiled at her as they walked. "Trixie hasn't shut up about you lately, I'm feeling a little jealous."

Her tone was friendly and it was a normal joke, but Katya felt uncomfortable and Trixie apparently too because neither of them laughed, they just smiled. It felt inappropriate to talk about jealousy.

“You got ready so fast, Katya. I thought I would have to come to revive your ass” Trixie said and this time Katya smiled with more confidence because this was familiar ground. “You look great, you look hot, I can't believe you could tighten your skin so fast.”

“Barbara, it took some decades to revive this ghost” she replied, and Trixie released her familiar laugh that sounded like a bird.

They got into an Uber guided by the location that Bianca had given them and were silent the whole way, Trixie sat in between the two and held John's hand and from time to time exchanged whispers with him, but also constantly turned to see Katya as if she wanted to make sure she was still there. Katya just wanted and get to the bar to break the awkwardness, when they arrived at the bar Katya got out with a jump, the bar was called "White Feather" and looked very small, indie, it seemed somewhat strange that Bianca recommend this place but she only waited for Trixie and John to get out of the car to enter, realizing once inside that the man at the door didn’t asked for her ID. She supposed then that was why Bianca had recommended that bar. She immediately saw his friends, there were few people there and they were all sitting around several tables stuck together.

“Trixie and Katya are here!” Adore shouted at the moment she managed to distinguish Katya approaching the table, Katya smiled holding Adore's gaze, but suddenly her gaze was fixed on something behind Katya and she knew immediately that she was seeing. “Trixie, Katya and John are here.”

Their friends were silent and Katya rolled her eyes sitting in the place she saw available next to Bob who immediately patted her on the back as if she needed encouragement and she had to sigh heavily.

“Hi guys, besides Katya, Trixie also talks a lot about you guys. I'm John, her boyfriend,” he introduced himself opening a chair for Trixie on the opposite side from Katya and Katya couldn't help feeling slightly betrayed because their never-spoken pact of always sitting side by side had been broken.

Everyone greeted John back and then the conversations flared up again, totally ignoring that they had just arrived. Katya was somewhat lost in what to do until she heard Bob call her and turned to see him immediately.

“Katya, what do you want to drink?”

And so she started drinking beer while talking to Bob about the festival and the rest of their friends and teachers and everything, with Bob she could talk about everything and he seemed to have a love for Katya that they had never fully explored.

“So…” Bob said. “What do you think about John?”

And Katya shifted her gaze from Bob to look at John who was also quietly having a beer because Trixie was talking to Tatianna. Katya didn't know what to say to Bob and turned to look at him with a shrug.

“He's just there, I guess.”

“I don't mean to talk shit, but ... I don't understand how he and Trixie are a couple, I would expect someone like you for her,” Bob continued and then took a drink of his beer.

“Someone like me?” Katya asked not knowing what else to say, it was a strange comment.

“Someone who stands out, intelligent, funny, someone who looks like the main character. Not someone like him who looks like a background character” Bob said it and immediately the two laughed loudly, attracting the attention of some of their friends, especially the look of Trixie who clearly didn't understand that they were laughing because she smiled at Katya who only looked away. “That’s the true tea”.

“I mean, don’t know, to each their own.” Katya said vaguely, shrugged and continued drinking her beer.

The night progressed and Katya continued drinking, speaking with Bob, then with Adore, a moment with Sasha and later, late in the night, her friends began to dance to the alternative music that they were playing at the bar. Adore and Bianca were dancing together, Jinkx and Dela and also Trixie and John and some others. Katya had been sitting at the table along with Violet and Aquaria, she was surprised to see them there. They were sitting in opposite corners, but then Aquaria got up to dance and at the same time Violet came over to sit next to Katya.

“So, are we going to dance?” Violet asked, hitting Katya's shoulder.

Katya smiled, she didn't want to dance, but she didn't want to say no to Violet, it seemed somewhat pathetic to be the only two at the table who weren't dancing. She nodded and they both got up, a somewhat slow song was playing and Violet threw her arms around Katya's neck, they were dancing next to Trixie and John and Trixie looked surprised to see Katya.

“You have to give them a show, is that okay, Katya?” Violet asked, moving slowly to the rhythm of the music, Katya didn’t understand what she was referring to but she nodded and the moment the song changed, Violet completely stuck to Katya's body, it was a song a little faster and Katya didn’t know how to describe how Violet was dancing but she was moving her hips and pressing her body against Katya's, so that she had to hold her by her extremely small waist, she was so focused on Violet and trying to keep up with her that she didn't realize it until they finished the song that Trixie and John were now sitting at the table and Trixie was staring at them, only looking away when she met her gaze. “I think it worked.”

“What do you mean?” Katya asked confused because now Violet had moved away from her and was now dancing at a normal distance despite having her arms still around Katya's neck. “What worked?”

“Dah, Trixie got jealous,” she said , rolling her eyes. “I wasn't sure if it was going to work because her boyfriend is here, but girl, you should have seen the look on her face.”

Katya felt stunned in the middle of a makeshift dance floor and she looked at Violet in surprise, Violet giggled and looked at Katya as if she was missing something totally obvious.

“Don't look at me like that, it's obvious that Trixie likes you.”

“You don't think I like Trixie?” Katya asked, feeling very brave for daring to ask.

“Probably, I think you like her a bit less than she likes you, my god, Katya, don't you see the way she looks at you or how she's always touching you?” Violet was speaking in a low tone of voice, but Katya was looking around scared that someone would hear. “I spend such a little amount of time with you and I realize, how can you not?”

And Katya returned to see Trixie who still had her gaze fixed on her. Was what Violet was saying true? Katya couldn't speak for Trixie's feelings, but as she looked at her in the low light of the bar she just wanted to be close to her, to hold her hand and take the place John was occupying, and Katya thought that, shit, she was in love with Trixie. She turned to look at Violet and she smiled at her because she understood that Katya had finally got it.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to the friend who inspired all this, happy birthday, merry christmas and all that.


	6. my voice incinerates

> _ my voice is falling _
> 
> _ and my voice incinerates _
> 
> _ and my voice in sin narrates _
> 
> _ and my voice in sin elates _
> 
> _ and my poison scintillates _
> 
> **—Nocturne: Nothing is Heard, Xavier Villaurrutia**

Katya had always thought that falling in love would be something tragic, she didn't know why but it scared her to think about what would happen after she fell in love with someone, after all she had never fallen in love with someone. Now that she felt love and emotion running through her limbs it felt good, well, mostly she felt good, sometimes she felt guilty or something like that.

After that night at the bar she felt strange, she found herself stuck in a teenage romance that she hadn't realized she was part of, that same night as she was lying in the dark trying to sleep she couldn't help but feel a bit disgusted by the scene she had created with Violet, it seemed like a very low blow, it was something straight out of those fan fictions she read in high school. But on the other hand, she was thinking about Trixie's jealousy and she never thought that someone's jealousy would make her feel so hopeful. Every time she closed her eyes she would repeat the moment on the dance floor and regret the vibes that she had created herself but she also wished she could see Trixie again and see her now knowing that she liked her.

Now she could go back to see her last months and she understood why she felt the way she did around Trixie, she began to review in her mind the romantic experiences that she had previously had and none compared to what she was feeling, probably the closest it could be when she had liked a boy called Daniel from her math class and they went on a date but it never got anywhere because Katya freaked out. Now she didn't have to be scared because it was basically impossible, she didn't see Trixie breaking up with her boyfriend in the near future and even though it was sad it gave her some silly assurance that she wouldn't end up hurt.

Despite Violet claiming that Trixie liked Katya, it would be selfish to think like that when reality was obvious. Katya went to bed all night and couldn't sleep, she felt very youthful living such a stereotypical movie situation: realizing that she is gay and being in love with her friend who has a boyfriend. At one point in the night she thought that if something she had done with Trixie counted as infidelity with John and she thought of the hugs and careless touches and could feel herself break out in a cold sweat. She came to the conclusion that there was no infidelity in platonic hugs, especially when she did it without knowing that she was falling in love with Trixie, then she got scared again thinking that maybe she was only friends with Trixie because she liked her, would Trixie be disappointed if she found out that Katya liked her? She let the thought go and fell asleep without realizing it.

When she woke up the other day she felt happy and proud to realize something so relevant, she felt as if she had been watching a black and white movie and suddenly someone had put it in color and it was something incredible to see, she felt like in a situation similar to that of the myth of Plato's cave even though she was not sure she understood it. She chose her outfit wanting to let everyone know that she was happy, she did something that she had not done in years, recently she had started to dress in combinations of red and black, before she only dressed in black and that day she did it only in red, She wore her red crop top with her red mini skirt and red converse, she felt good as she put on her red lipstick and as she walked to her classes her mood didn't drop, which usually did.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday her mood didn't drop, she barely remembered smoking because she felt energized, whenever a negative thought appeared in her head she would start to think that she was in love and felt silly and thought about Trixie and her soft features and her weird laughs and as always she seemed to be busy but found time to talk to Katya. On Thursday while she was waiting to enter her writing class she thought that she was bisexual and was proud to be able to affirm it after spending so much time doubting. She felt extremely relaxed and when she met Sasha she seemed immediately to notice the difference in her mood.

"Why are you so happy? You've been happy all week.” Sasha asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise. Katya thought that Sasha looked very pretty with her hair up and wearing a half white and half black dress. She wanted to hug her and did so, making her laugh as he hugged her back. "I love seeing you happy, your teeth are so white I think the poles aren't melting when I see them."

"Shut up, Sasha! The end of the world is still near. ” Katya laughed, still hugging Sasha but moving a little apart to see her laugh face to face. "I think the hole in the ozone layer is getting to me because…” she was ready to tell Sasha so easily that she was in love with Trixie because she trusted her and because she wanted to tell someone, wanted to tell everyone. But she was interrupted by Trixie's voice calling her from across the hall, she came running and it was weird to see her run but it was weird to see her run with a smile as her orange dress floated around her. Katya smiled just by seeing her and barely realized that she had let go of Sasha, waiting for Trixie to come to her side and greet her with a kiss on each cheek, flooding her with her perfume that, as always, smelled of flowers and spring and Katya let herself be consumed with feeling before walking away with a smile.

"I have something for you, close your eyes," Trixie said with a huge smile that made her feel like she was floating, Katya closed her eyes without knowing what to expect, Trixie probably would have bought her something to eat as she had done before, but with eyes closed she felt Trixie put what looked like a bracelet on her wrist. "What do you think?"

Katya opened her eyes and turned to see the bracelet with a smile, it was a leather bracelet with a very realistic eye in the middle, she felt that she melted with love for Trixie, she turned to see her without understanding why she had given it to her but grateful. Trixie looked proud and after meeting her eyes Katya reacted and showed the bracelet to Sasha who said it was "very Katya" and so Trixie seemed to be able to speak again.

"I found this bracelet in one of the jewelry boxes I brought from home, I bought it when I was in high school but I never wore it because it's not really my style, but it's really your style and the eye looks like yours," Trixie said. smiling and taking Katya's hand to see the bracelet. Katya felt that she was going to explode from the contact and thought that maybe now whenever Trixie touched her she would feel happiness and she would let herself feel happiness.

"Thank you very much, I love receiving gifts out of nowhere," Katya said before hugging her again and hearing her laugh as she hugged her waist and made her feel like she was in a bubble of warmth and affection.

Katya opened her eyes when she heard Miss Brown enter the room and broke away from Trixie before feeling brave and kissing her goodbye on the cheek that left a red mark. She and Sasha entered the room and sat down while the teacher wrote something on the board and the rest of her friends had not yet arrived, Katya thought about telling Sasha what she wanted to tell him before losing the opportunity.

"I'm happy because I found out that I like Trixie," Katya said, lowered her attentive gaze from Sasha who smiled big and pressed her hand between hers. It was the reaction she expected from Sasha and it made her feel that someone else was happy for her feelings, after congratulating her Sasha became totally serious and ignored what was happening in front and took her hands, Katya was scared but she supposed she knew what to expect .

"Are you aware that Trixie is in a stable relationship?" Sasha began to speak in the serious tone that Katya had rarely heard addressed to her. "This isn't reciprocal and you have to know that you will always be the more loving one, are you willing not to be reciprocated?"

"I'll be the more loving one, like in the poem," Katya teased in a strange accent that barely made Sasha smile. "Seriously, I think I am willing not to be reciprocated, I am in love with her and even though she is not available I can let myself feel this."

"And it's not my intention to discourage you, love is something precious and you must let yourself feel it. But I wouldn't want you to get hurt, Trixie is quite open about her relationship with John, you could get hurt hearing her talk about what she did to him over the weekend."

Katya then thought about that and allowed herself to seriously process what would happen in one of those situations, she thought that she would feel hurt, she imagined Trixie talking non-stop about John like she did last Friday and she thought that now being aware of her feelings it would be complicated, she could simply avoid meeting her, putting her back in an awkward situation where she would walk away from Trixie for feeling bad when it wasn't her fault at all.

"Shit," Katya said, feeling the realization come to her like a wave of ice water and she looked at Sasha with wide eyes and Sasha just seemed to say "I told you so" with her gesture. "What do I do? I have no idea what to do."

"I don't know exactly but you have options, I suppose you could tell Trixie how you feel or ignore the feeling, which I don't think is healthy," said Sasha making Katya smile who now felt conflicted but knew herself and knew that she was going to make a decision.

"I'm not going to do anything, I'm in love with Trixie and it's a beautiful feeling but I won't do anything, I'm not going to break her happiness because of my selfishness and I don't have the energy to try to compete with her boyfriend, I won't do anything, I'll move on," she said Katya to Sasha and she stared at her to see if she was serious and Katya nodded because she had no choice, no refractory of that.

Katya barely paid attention to her classes, she was distracted because she had just made the first decision in her life, she had thought about consequences and contrary to what her poetic mind screamed, she had to let a love die. She had bitten into an apple and the taste was so good but she would let the apple rot because she couldn't keep eating it, she was full. She thought that her metaphor was correct because she was full of insecurity, anxiety and things that she had to solve long before settling on having a relationship with anyone. She only paid attention to Miss Michaels' class because she gave instructions on the final work she wanted for the first week of December and specific that for the following Monday she wanted an advance of the title of their essay, she said that the title would be basically what they would investigate in their essays and that's why it was the priority. Katya started to think about what she would like to research and when class was over she was talking to Dela about it when Miss Michaels caught the students' attention again.

"Don't forget that the Leaves of Grass festival will be held tomorrow at 6 o'clock, I hope you've already signed up so we'll see each other here tomorrow night," she said and reminded Katya of the other thing she had been trying to forget, tomorrow was the Leaves of grass festival and she needed to prepare herself mentally. She had real responsibilities that she should focus on first, she looked at the bracelet with an eye on her wrist and smiled because she thought she would at least always have a piece of Trixie with her, in the form of a bracelet that once belonged to her.

When she got to her room she reviewed her poem looking in the mirror for what she promised would be the last time she would rehearse it, she prepared her outfit for tomorrow thinking it would look good under the stage lights. She was about to go to bed and probably do some of the reading she had to do for her Greek Literature class when she felt her cell phone vibrate and it was a call from Trixie that she answered with a smile that she struggled to maintain.

"Operator, may I help you?" Katya asked in her best robotic voice.

"Katya, I'm in a crisis and I'm on my way to your room because I need the opinion of someone who doesn't give a shit about anything," Trixie said in a hurried tone, she sounded out of breath and Katya was surprised, it was strange that Trixie needed her help, it was almost always the other way around. "In fact, open the door here I am."

Katya saw Trixie cut the call and stealthily approached the door without still believing that it was real but when she opened it there she was in what looked like exercise clothes and Katya thought she didn't know that she exercised but the clothes fit very well. She looked flushed and seemed to be wearing no makeup, she looked beautiful and Katya smiled at her letting her pass, she didn't know what to say because the image of Trixie in front of her had cleared her head as if someone had reset her head.

Katya led her to sit on her bed. She felt nervous and somewhat strange, despite continually talking to Trixie via text, in person they were generally never alone. Having Trixie in her space was strange, as if she had taken a character out of a cartoon and adapted it to the reality of her room, the pink of her sweater contrasted with the gray bedspread in her room and while she thought about the textures of The fabrics sat next to her and suddenly she felt very nervous, the feeling was so strong that her breath hitched and she had to cling to her quilt to feel connected to reality. Trixie continued to look at her decorations with interest and Katya tried to reassure how fast her heart was beating, but the feeling welled up again. And Katya knew she couldn't be guided by that feeling but the feeling had clung to her and was not letting her go.

"My crisis is simple and complex at the same time, Katya, I am considering cutting bangs, who wants it? Who has it?" Trixie teased, turning to look at Katya, who was barely controlling her breathing. Katya smiled but she didn't feel inside herself, or maybe on the contrary she was deep inside herself.

"I have bangs, it depends on the season of the year I have two bangs." Katya replied without knowing that she was moving her mouth and it was a horrible feeling.

"Where is the second fringe? On your…" and Trixie seemed to doubt her words before looking at Katya. "On your butt?" Katya felt like she forgot the disconnect for just the seconds where she laughed, the weight returning when she met Trixie's gaze. "Fringe on your butt" Trixie repeated and Katya continued laughing.

"Trixie, don't make me laugh, cutting bangs is serious, it's a great commitment," Katya said, turning serious at the thought of seeing Trixie with a fringe, it was an image that would make her look even softer and interested her. Katya had touched up her fringe herself for the past few months and had done a good job, she was happy with her fringe and in a way she wanted everyone to cut their fringes. "I can help you, I know everything about fringes."

"I'm worried about what I'll do tomorrow if I cut bangs today and it turns out bad," Trixie said with a nervous laugh that squeezed Katya's heart because she never wanted to see her nervous.

"I would recommend that you don't do it tonight but I understand the feeling of wanting bangs; It's now or never.” Katya said putting her hand on Trixie's knee, she didn't want to think much about how she felt, she just wanted to show her support. "If it doesn't work we'll see how we fix it, I have tricks to hide bangs."

Trixie was silent, Katya could almost hear her thinking and watched as Trixie concentrated on her hand on her knee. She never thought that cutting bangs could be something that required so much thought, but she thought it was a very Trixie thing to do, she thought Adore would say it was a very virgo thing to do and she smiled seeing her friend who turned at the exact moment to catch her smile.

"I decided, I want you to cut my bangs," Trixie said, putting her hand on Katya's. She was surprised by Trixie again, she knew that she was interested in her image and she didn't trust anyone for her makeup or her hair, she had told him that she preferred to do everything herself. "I'm also surprised that I trust you with my hair but I have seen how you took care of your bangs, you have done a good job."

"Oh, Trix, let's go to the bathroom to cut your bangs before I start crying and fall in love with you," she regretted the moment she said the last, as if she wasn't already in love with Trixie.

"Does that mean you're not in love yet?" Trixie teased and Katya ignored her blush and led Trixie out of bed holding her by the wrist, ignoring how fast her heart was beating and taking Jinkx's scissors and led Trixie to the bathroom, led her right in front of the mirror where the light was best and smiled at her friend's slightly nervous look.

"Do you want me to play background music?" Katya asked, remembering that Trixie did it when she did her makeup in her room. Trixie nodded and Katya took out her phone and shuffled her latest playlist, Fiona Apple's Sleep to Dream started playing and she started parting Trixie's hair like she used to part hers, she was thinking her hair was more damaged than it looked but smelled great like all of her. She was surprised when she heard Trixie's voice.

"I once heard that listening to Fiona Apple is a very lesbian thing to do, do you know why they say that?"

She sounded really curious and Katya had to ignore how fast her heart was beating while Fiona Apple kept singing in the background, she wet the hair she would cut thinking of what to answer.

"I don't know, I've heard it too but I don't know why, I've also heard it about Kate Bush and I have no idea why, besides that most of her songs talk about yearning," she replied, combing Trixie's hair with her fingers before take the comb and get it right. She could see Trixie's eyes moving under her working fingers and her brows were furrowed in interest.

"Yearning is a lesbian thing?"

Katya laughed at the irony of the situation, she was yearning and gay and Trixie was asking questions that seemed to know precisely what was going through Katya's mind.

"As a yearning person I would say that it is a lesbian thing to yearn. Now close your eyes, I'm going to cut your bangs."

Trixie closed her eyes and Katya arranged her hair delicately before cutting decidedly, she had cut a fringe a little longer than she normally would with herself to see how Trixie's hair would react. She adjusted the fringe and smiled proud of her result, she was right to think that Trixie's face would look much smoother with a fringe.

"Open your eyes and turn to see yourself in the mirror, you look magnificent!" Katya yelled, taking Trixie by the shoulders and spinning her around. Her friend's eyes widened in surprise and a totally genuine smile of surprise spread across her lips as she touched her bangs, Katya thought that a few months ago Trixie saw an identical reaction in her when the situation was in reverse.

"Katya, I look hot! I can't believe it, I'm looking great, should I be doing porn?"

The two stared at each other before laughing out loud that echoed the small bathroom space and its closed door, they continued laughing and Katya heard some noise from outside but suddenly she heard a knock on the bathroom door and was very scared until she heard Jinkx's voice in that accent she always did.

"You know, I can hear the cackling from down the street."

With that Trixie and Katya stopped their giggles and Katya immediately opened the bathroom door as if she wanted to show her roommate that they weren't doing anything. Jinkx barely glanced between the two of them before giggling, shaking her head and going straight to lying on her bed.

After that Trixie and Katya parted awkwardly and quickly in front of Jinkx who was ignoring them. Trixie hugged Katya at the door and promised to send her photos, when she closed the door she thought that the moment they had just shared was precious and when she lay down on her bed she could see the smile of Jinkx who had seen and heard everything.

"Shut up, Jink," Katya said to Jinkx's silence, who immediately broke free after that, laughing.

On Friday Katya came out of the bathroom feeling the pressure of reality fall on her shoulders and sighed knowing that it would probably be her last quiet moment of the day because it was three in the afternoon and at four she had to go back to the apartment to arrange the last decorations of the Festival Leaves of Grass. 

"I have good vibes for today, Katya, something is going to happen, someone is going to realize something." Jinkx said with excitement in her eyes. Katya was very used to that kind of witchy comments from Jinkx, that caught her attention, she thought who could realize something, she had had a realization that week.

"Hopefully it's Bob realizing that his joke about Professor Brown isn't funny." Katya said to distract herself from the thought, she threw herself on her bed and began to put on makeup in a hurry, it was three o'clock and time was moving very fast. Suddenly it was time to leave the room, Jinkx was gathering all the things she would need for her act and Katya was looking in the mirror for the last time, she had chosen her outfit carefully, a red dress with a turtle neck and long sleeves that was the same shade of red as her red stockings and boots, her hair was tied up in a ponytail and her makeup with blue shadows was an imitation of the one Trixie did for her that one time.

"You look good girl, stop worrying." Jinkx said standing next to him in the mirror. "How do I look?"

And Katya turned to look at her carefully, this was a routine that they always repeated, commenting on their outfits before leaving. Jinkx's red hair was loose in its light natural waves and she was wearing high black velvet pants, a navy blue blouse tucked into the pants and vintage low heels that looked from the 30s, she looked great, her makeup was natural and you could also see the extremely long false eyelashes that Katya had seen Dela wear.

"You look good, you look like you could be the friendly neighbor in a period film." Katya replied, stroking her hair and the two left their room with smiles that diminished as they got closer to the apartment because the nerves were beginning to feel real. Katya began to feel her heart beat very fast and she clung to Jinkx's arm who caressed her hand with a smile full of tranquility.

"Everything will be fine, Katya, when you least expect it all this will be over and we will be drinking Vodka in Bianca's apartment." Jinkx reassured her by hugging her side gently and Katya controlled her breathing to smile at Jinkx.

Upon arriving at the apartment Katya immediately noticed the different vibes and from Jinkx's heavy breathing she also felt them, they weren't necessarily bad vibes, they were just heavy, they indicated that they would have to work all night. From the entrance, Violet and Aquaria could be seen playing with the microphone as Dela and Adore finished arranging the decorations behind them.

"Here we have Aquafina!" Violet scoffed at the microphone.

"Don't call me that!" Aquaria complained, hitting her on the side while Violet laughed and Katya also laughed out loud seeing the two dressed in black and with the same wavy hairstyle and abrupt fringe, they looked like twins and since Aquaria had gotten the same look as Violet, Violet was bothered by comparisons.

"Katya, tell us! Who wears this hairstyle better?” Violet yelled into the microphone. "By the way, you look good, you look like a nightmare in red." Violet said, winking at her making Katya laugh harder.

"I'd say you both look good, you look like twins," Katya yelled back, standing in front of the two to examine them from under the stage.

Violet rolled her eyes and jumped off the stage to greet Katya with a kiss on the cheek. Katya returned the kiss, since last week's dance their interactions had remained friendly, Violet from time to time spoke with her without the tired tone that she used with others and for example that day she gave her instructions that she needed to do without offending her, the two of them hung up a missing extension of lights and then went over the night's itinerary together with Bianca who promised to take them to her apartment at the end of the night. Katya felt the emotion grow in her stomach, she reviewed in her head that she would present some acts and two acts later she would do her own poetry reading, it was exciting and she began to look around looking for Trixie. Five o'clock struck, the show began at 6 and Trixie arrived while Bianca and Katya argued with a participant about the length of their number.

"Girl, if you're just going to dance, I don't think you need 10 minutes, that's too much," Bianca repeated to a girl named Gia who was friends with Tatianna and Laganja.

"I know how long my number is, I need 10 minutes," Gia repeated, rolling her eyes with a hand on her waist. Katya was beginning to think it was true, only each artist knew how long their piece lasted and if she said she needed ten minutes maybe they should believe her.

"This is selfish, if you knew you needed more time you should have said it at the time you signed up, right now there is an itinerary to follow and we can't take time away from someone else to give it to you" Bianca scolded, crossing her arms annoyed. Tonight Katya was seeing her for the first time in drag and it was impressive how even though she still had the same attitude she was different, her eyelashes were extremely long and with her eyes over drawn and eyebrows covered and drawn higher on her forehead. Katya began to feel bad and thought fast, noticing Trixie sitting talking next to Jinkx and Dela, she felt a need to get closer to them, she wanted to see Trixie with bangs, that was how far she could barely make out her.

"Look Bianca, what do you say if we leave her performance in 7 minutes? Just give her 3 more minutes and that's it," Katya said, interrupting the discussion between the two for the first time. "Does that work for you, Gia?"

Bianca stared at her with a raised eyebrow, then glanced at the schedule papers and rolled her eyes at Gia's satisfied smile.

"Absolutely. Thanks, dolls." Gia said blowing kisses as she walked away.

Katya could get away from Bianca by blowing her a kiss like Gia had just done, Bianca laughed and yelled "Disgusting!" before running to the bench where her friends were.

"Are you ready for action, girls?" Katya asked brightly, interrupting the conversation. Trixie looked at her flushed and Dela and Jinkx didn't let their smiles fade. Katya had clearly interrupted an important conversation that was embarrassing Trixie but she didn't care much because she hadn't heard anything, she was just looking at how precious Trixie looked with her bangs perfectly arranged as she would bother to do so. She felt her heart clench at how pretty she looked and she grinned at her.

"I'm a little nervous," Trixie said, playing with her fingers on her lap. Katya furrowed her eyebrows and sat in the available space next to her, held her hands in hers and quickly thought about what to say to her.

"You have no reason to be nervous, Trixie. You are talented, you are going to leave everyone eager for more country, you are going to start the country revolution of 2019, of the 21st century" said Katya, clasping her hands in hers. Trixie looked at her hands and tried to control her breathing, Katya recognized the feeling and felt more appreciation for Trixie because she knew that despite the nerves she felt in those moments she would show her talent and still something more, Katya thought again that she would like to have the same confidence as Trixie. "Also those bangs look good on you."

"Thanks for the compliment on my bangs, but I'm still going to present so well that everyone is going to ignore you," Trixie laughed, relaxing her shoulders and squeezing Katya's hands before releasing them and standing up abruptly leaving her confused. "John is here, I didn't think he was coming. John, this way!"

Trixie was hugging John and Katya looked away, meeting Jinkx's gaze and she shrugged in the middle of her conversation with Dela. Katya got up from her place and passed by Trixie and John who were exchanging whispers, out of the corner of her eye she saw how Trixie kept her gaze fixed on her while Katya entered the bathroom because she didn't know where else to hide, because as Sasha warned her, nothing happened and she felt hurt, suddenly she felt ridiculous with her outfit and she felt alone and the show would start in 10 minutes as indicated by her cell phone and she didn't know what to do.

The bathroom was lonely and Katya stared into the mirror, her face looking slightly sad. She thought she looked totally different from her high school self and was momentarily scared by her reflection, in high school her hair was long, she only wore mascara, she wore completely black and she would never have dared to wear the red boots he wore that night and now even when she was only standing she felt that at any moment she would sink to the ground. They were small changes that would probably be insignificant in the future but realizing at that moment the change she had undergone in just months made her feel dizzy.

_ 05:58 _

**Trixie:**

Heyyy

Where are you? We're about to begin

Katya squeezed her cell phone between her fingers and left the bathroom with her forehead held high. She had decided something, she still didn't know what, but she had decided. She let her feet feel the weight of the boots and went determined in the direction of the garden where Trixie looked everywhere and raised her hand pointing to the space just below the stage where all her friends were sitting except for Bianca and Bob who dressed in drag they were standing on stage each with a microphone in hand and shrewd eyes scanning the group of people who were beginning to fill the small space in the garden.

"Hello, my name is Bianca del Rio and tonight we are at the Leaves of Grass festival, organized, created and maintained by the Department of English and Linguistics, all those who belong to this department fuck you." Bianca said, making the crowd laugh, even Katya who was sitting between Sasha and Trixie with John sitting next to Trixie.

"My name is Bob the drag queen and tonight together with Bianca I will be your host in Leaves of Grass." Bob introduced herself and received a wave of applause that made her stop at what she was saying and smile, Katya and the others were clapping but there were more people in the background clapping loudly. "Thank you, thank you to all my paid fans in the background, at the end of the night you will take home an autographed copy of my autobiography, 'Bob the drag queen, how to find success, get it queen.'"

“As if someone wanted to read it! Beat it, queen. " Bianca scoffed, yelling into the microphone. Katya was giggling uncontrollably even though she knew it wasn't that funny but she felt light, as if a huge weight had been dropped from her shoulders for the first time in months. She let hefself enjoy the moment and turned to smile at Sasha who smiled back. "Now, let's start the night, let's give a warm welcome to the waist and the smallest IQ in all of California: Violet! who will present us burlesque!"

The audience applauded with laughter and suddenly the lights went out, the itinerary had been planned so that the act changes were easy, Violet would only need to turn off the lights to accommodate a chair on stage with the help of Bob. Katya saw Aquaria settle in front of the stage to record everything as she had agreed with Violet, she would record it for Violet's Instagram and for the event because Violet had explained that she would upload a story of each participant making their presentation.

The lights came on and Violet was sitting on a chair looking intimidatingly at the audience, Katya wasn't familiar with burlesque so she was surprised with every detail of Violet's presentation, first she loved how Violet was only wearing a bodysuit and a corset black to introduce herself in front of the whole department, she was amazed at the dance moves that also looked theatrical, the way the glitter in her clothes reflected the light, how small Violet's waist looked, overall it was a presentation that left the audience stunned and Violet with a proud smile on her red lips that could be seen from afar. The lights went out, Katya knew that Bob was returning to the stage and when the lights came on Violet was gone and there was Bob smiling.

“Wow, that show was awesome, crazy. I wish I could do something like that but unfortunately I have ribs and I enjoy breathing. " Bob said into the microphone and again the audience had relaxed after the adrenaline rush of Violet's show. "Now, we have the honor to present Jasmine Masters, an English student who will present us with a stand up show that if it doesn't make you laugh, we'll give you your money back."

Katya could generally say she enjoyed stand up as long as it wasn't straight men, but the moment Jasmine started talking it was funny, she was talking about smoking pot and drinking wine, she was laughing until the stand up took a awkward turn when she started talking about stinky butts and no one was laughing. Her show ended and the applause was light, Trixie and Katya looked at each other before shrugging and clapping.

"That show was ... Interesting," Bianca said in a pointed tone. Bob had forbidden her to speak ill of the presentations and participants so as not to discourage the audience but Bianca couldn't seem to bear it. “Bob promised she would give you your money back if you didn't like that presentation, talk to her. I'm just here to introduce Crystal who will read us her story titled: 'The Magic Mullet'. "

The microphone was propped on the stage with the lights off and when they turned it on there was a girl that Katya had seen a few times around the apartment, it was a brunette girl with a beautiful curly mullet.

Katya knew that she already had to go on stage because she would present the next three talents, she had started to feel nervous and had started to sweat excessively, she heard Sasha say: "Good luck, Kat, everything will be fine."

And just as Katya was getting up she felt Trixie's hand take hers and stop her, when she saw her she saw her smile and felt heat run through her veins.

"Your hands are sweaty." Trixie said in a serious tone that made Katya laugh, she said that if she was saying the weather and it was hilarious despite her nerves. "Everything is going to be fine, Kat, don't be nervous."

Katya smirked and squeezed Trixie's hand before reminding herself to get on stage and let go. She went up on stage and met Bob and Bianca who immediately greeted her and gave her the list of names that she had to present, they encouraged her and Bob even hugged her and encouraged her to go on stage with his microphone in hand when Crystal finished reading her story about a company promoting a magic mullet. Katya came out on stage and felt blinded by the lights before taking a deep breath and looking at what she could see from the audience, she clearly saw her friends in the front and as Sasha and Adore called her name, Trixie and John clapped loudly and smiled proud, she consequently smiled and stood on stage.

"Hello, my name is Katya Zamolodchikova" she introduced herself, she had practiced what she was going to say a thousand times in her head and she knew it wasn't so funny but she would say it anyway. “But your father just calls me Katya. I'm here tonight to introduce some contestants and make jokes that won't be as funny as Bob and Bianca's. "

The audience laughed at that and even though Katya couldn't see them well because of the blinding lights she smiled and thought she was on the right track.

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't give a rat's ass tonight. I am here to present the incomparable: Laganja Estranja who will present us with a dance number."

So Katya left the stage and took the microphone stand with her while Laganja went on stage and began to dance a lot of different dances as the lights went on. Katya was surprised by the character that she was and in fact when she finished her performance she congratulated her and she thanked her very kindly.

"Young and silly, annoying," Katya heard Bianca say rolling her eyes as Laganja left, but not even Bianca paid attention to her comment because she continued speaking. "Go ahead, Katya, keep presenting."

Katya came out on stage again feeling more confident and smiled at the audience hearing Sasha still yelling her name, which made her laugh.

"Dear friends, we continue in this show full of talent… Wait, I was wrong, in this show full of 'interesting' presentations." She heard laughter from the audience and let them almost end before continuing. "Check your own parts and compare them because here Tatianna comes to present her poem entitled "The same parts"."

"This piece is titled, The same parts," Tatianna presented entering the stage dressed in a black suit and her purple hair arranged perfectly in waves. Katya can't help but notice how everyone seemed to have made an effort in their outfits and it was very noticeable in Tatianna, she would never dress like that. Katya was surprised on a level that she couldn't explain by Tatianna's presentation, she rescued some phrases from the poem and learned them by heart: "Come on bitch see me with them hands" and the entire last verse:

"Because what you see, isn't always the truth / Because, baby / I've got all the same parts that you do "

Katya was surprised by Tatianna in the sense that she had read the poem and seen her rehearse, but the energy she transmitted that night on stage was unmatched. When she finished her presentation the audience broke into applause that didn't stop until Tatianna came off the stage and Katya came up again with a huge smile, she thought she might feel insecure because of her friend's presentation, but she decided to enjoy it, it was wonderful to see one presentation like this live.

"Come on bitch see me with them hands!" Katya repeated, feeling full of energy and pride. The audience was happy and laughed with Katya. "Come back Monday and we will discuss this work of art in Miss Michaels' class, meanwhile welcome other girls who in some years will be living on Broadway or in a parking lot: welcome Jinkx and Dela!"

Katya left the stage feeling relaxed that she was finally done with this part of her responsibilities. She sat next to Sasha and Trixie and she didn't really feel present because she was just relaxing, she knew Jinkx and Dela's number by heart after watching them rehearse so many times. Between the two of them they acted like 50's lesbian wives trying to bake a cake while the world was ending around them, they didn't have much scenery apart from a half-finished cardboard cake and their outfits showed the era. The scene ended with a kiss that Katya couldn't help but think was probably a great moment for Jinkx and Dela because they always avoided it in rehearsal, it was a short and chaste kiss that received applause from the audience and Katya smiled at how normal it was to be gay in her safe space. Dela was the next presenter and Katya didn't pay much attention, she only connected back to reality when Bob was on stage and talking about the festival after making jokes that made the audience laugh.

“I don't know if you knew, but this festival had been canceled for a moment, we usually do it at the beginning of the semester… I know, crazy… But this year we did things differently and here we are, we are here thanks to Sasha, Katya, Bianca, Trixie, Tatianna, Monet, Jinkx and Dela, probably some other people, but I don't remember. We must embrace these new generations. "

Katya was warmed by Bob's honest smile and blew him a kiss that she greeted with a wink. She felt very loved in her little ecosystem and she turned to smile at Trixie wanting to share her happiness with her, but she was smiling at John, Katya looked away from their affectionate smiles and looked at her hands better, suddenly Sasha's was between hers and decided to let herself forget the sad thought that Trixie was clearly happy with her boyfriend. She thought that everything would be easier if John was a villain, but he was actually quite soft, he seemed to have a real connection to Trixie and Katya couldn't deny it just because of her jealousy.

Jinkx went on stage and introduced Alaska, before she introduced Brooke, another Linguistics student, Katya knew she had to go up on stage because then she would follow. Sasha wished her luck first, then Trixie, and finally John.

"Best of luck, Katya, everything will be fine." He said so honestly that it made Katya smile and really take comfort in his support. She got on stage and again Bob and Bianca chatted with her while Brooke performed a Ballet number. She let herself relax and suddenly remembered, she had left her notebook with the poem written on it on her desk. Shit, she felt her breath catch and she thought fast, she took out her cell phone and opened the file she had as a backup of the poem, but it was a version without the last corrections she had made. She had prepared so much for that night and had forgotten her poem, she felt stupid.

"Now, with you, the only woman who is so absurd that it seems normal: Katya!" Jinkx introduced and Katya took the stage feeling a chill run down her spine, but not letting herself be overcome by nerves. She smiled, stood before the lights, and prepared her poem thinking that she would have to make some changes as she read it.

"This poem is titled Perestroika." She said into the microphone, listening to the noise of her own voice coming from the speakers.

> The sunset is for poetry,
> 
> that's why at night I look at myself in the mirror
> 
> and I cry for the first time in months.
> 
> The sunset is for poetry that's why
> 
> I build happiness in my body
> 
> with little bits of memory.
> 
> The night is a strange creature
> 
> hunger spreads.
> 
> Thoughts persist
> 
> the energy flows and I find it incredible
> 
> that at some point I had a dream,
> 
> What is the point of dreaming?
> 
> The dream word is pretty
> 
> and I like to talk about dream rivers
> 
> but where are my wishes?
> 
> Life is scattered
> 
> complicated and wavy.
> 
> In the evening life
> 
> presents me the opportunity
> 
> of sitting in silence with her
> 
> and I cry without being able to identify
> 
> the feeling.
> 
> I know something deep down is not well sealed.
> 
> The day is for living
> 
> I just forget sometimes.
> 
> My grandfather stopped breathing one day
> 
> and since then I'm confused by the division.
> 
> There is no afternoon
> 
> where my body stretches,
> 
> the day is to digest and make plans.
> 
> For a few days I wasn't here
> 
> my reality was blurry
> 
> on the margins
> 
> and there was a physical pain to match.
> 
> I don't mean to say that I lost myself
> 
> But I don't know where I was
> 
> completely disconnected from feeling
> 
> and life bristled it's back
> 
> to offer me the best
> 
> but I couldn't feel a thing.
> 
> The day turned to fear
> 
> difficulty breathing,
> 
> and difficulty focusing.
> 
> For me
> 
> the day breaks in the morning,
> 
> before i liked
> 
> coffee with three sugars,
> 
> I no longer do.
> 
> A snippet of fantasy recommends
> 
> to add cinnamon.
> 
> Just today,
> 
> the night of this day,
> 
> I felt the cinnamon running down my throat.
> 
> Just today,
> 
> I feel good
> 
> and I don't think about dying.

There was a short silence the moment he finished reading her poem. She felt like she had slipped out of her body and had barely returned when she said the word "dying", the applause erupted and she clapped back to the audience hearing Trixie's laugh in response. She felt the cold air against her face and she let herself enjoy the moment. She felt herself enjoying the peck of love against her heart for having made Trixie laugh and she walked off the stage after being congratulated by Bob and Bianca, when she sat back on the grass she allowed herself to be celebrated by Sasha and Trixie and John before going to bed in the grass and closing her eyes until she controlled her breathing, she hadn't realized she was so nervous and letting go of her nerves at that moment was precious.

Aquaria took the stage to introduce Jinkx who sang a cover of Radiohead's Creep in a totally different tune and there were two more performances before Katya sat down again when it was Trixie's turn to present, she would introduce Sasha first so both the two got up at the same time with the congratulations of Katya and John. Katya thought that maybe it would be uncomfortable to be alone the two of them, she looked around to see which of her friends she could approach but Tatianna was talking to an unknown boy, Jinkx and Dela were side by side giving each other hearts eyes and Adore was also going on stage because she was following Sasha. Then she stayed in place, only separated by Trixie's empty space between her and John.

"Hi guys, I'm Trixie" she introduced herself making Katya smile. It was a beautiful thing to see her move under the lights, her makeup looked so much better on stage, her colorful plaid dress stood out against the background of the stage. She introduced Sasha by making clever jokes that made Katya and John laugh, Sasha introduced herself and Katya already knew she would do great so the surprise wasn't that big, but she still enjoyed the presentation. When Trixie was introducing Adore with her self-written song titled “I Adore You” John turned to see Katya and said with a fond smile:

"I adore her"

Katya felt in one of those movie moments that she didn't like, when two people interested in another person complimented that person without knowing that they were both in love. She hated those moments in the movies, but now watching Trixie laugh at her own joke and glow under the lights she thought differently.

"I adore her too, I hate her" she said, unable to resist making a joke that made John laugh out loud.

When Adore, Sasha and Trixie came back they were laughing and the vibes felt more and more relaxed. Katya congratulated her friends and hugged Sasha tightly.

There were at least four other introductions before it was Trixie's turn, when it was her turn Katya hugged her after everyone else did. The two of them had stood up for the hug and Katya hid her head in Trixie's hair before without thinking much closer and whispering in her ear:

"I adore you. Good luck."

Trixie flinched and when they parted she looked at her with a happy smile. Katya watched her confidently walk to the stage and walk out upon being introduced by Adore carrying her guitar, again she looked gorgeous under the lights and adjusted the microphone to her height as she introduced herself.

"I had some songs ready, but I made some last minute changes." Trixie said, catching Katya's attention. Katya didn't know anything about this, Trixie had always rehearsed the same two songs. "This is Jolene from Dolly Parton"

Katya felt enchanted by Trixie singing Jolene, she moved timidly and avoided the gaze of the public until it was time to sing: “Your smile is like a breath of spring / Your voice is soft like summer rain / And I cannot compete with you / Jolene” and sang it looking at Katya, looking at her as if the song was some inside joke. Katya felt her heart beat faster and clench and she felt like jumping and singing along with Trixie. "I had to have this talk with you / My happiness depends on you / And whatever you decide to do / Jolene" Katya nodded as Trixie kept singing in her direction, she was sure they were holding their gaze and for a moment she let it be believed that it was a serenade just for her that ended very soon when she realized that Trixie had now started singing Video games as she had rehearsed.

When Trixie returned to her side Katya didn't speak, she was scared that if she did her voice would fail and she would start telling Trixie how precious she looked and how much she loved her, so she better concentrated on talking to Sasha until Bianca closed the show with a bang, a stand up show and a genuinely warm farewell that left the audience happy. Everyone got up the moment everything was over, Katya and her friends stayed to collect the stage as best they could before going to Bianca's apartment' but while Katya saw everyone happy and Trixie and John walking around the lawn picking up the trash she realized that she didn't feel happy, she felt rather tired and Bianca tried to have a conversation with her while they disconnected the microphone, she felt that she didn't have to respond and with Bianca she felt silly when she could only smile in response to her intellectual comments.

“Okay girl, I hate this and I will never repeat something like that because probably someone else will, they all act like you're the main character when you actually barely do anything. You're like Achilles who without doing anything deserved a whole book written about his anger, but hey… I lost the point, ah, yes” Katya looked carefully at Bianca who had taken off her wig and now she was only wearing her mug, she was surprised at how she could read her and be nice at the same time. "The thing is, don't let yourself get down by Trixie and her perfect boyfriend, many gays have experienced something like that, falling in love with someone outside our limits, and I'll give you some advice, let it go. Don't focus on that straight ass. "

Katya looked at her in surprise, then looked around paranoid that everyone had heard, but they were all focused on different things and she only had Bianca's gaze on her.

"Don't ask me 'How did you know?' everything is a matter of seeing. " Bianca said, rolling her eyes and Katya threw herself to hug him to which he hugged her back somewhat uncomfortably. "Stop looking so miserable, let's get drunk tonight and forget all this."

But Katya had made up her mind and letting Bianca go she looked at him with a smile.

"I don't think so, I want me to go to my room, cry a little and be a sad gay before coming back on Monday as new."

"You better." He said, nodding at her decision. "Go suffer, bitch."

And so after finishing disconnecting the microphone she said goodbye to Bianca and those who were left in the garden saying that she would go to rest because she was tired, only Jinkx and Trixie looked at her with doubt in their eyes, but she did not want to think about that. She walked away in the direction of her room and as she walked alone she thought she was making the right decision, she needed to process her emotions and return as new. She would not allow herself to be affected by that feeling called love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a mini crisis writing this chapter because I lost my focus a bit but I was able to write something that I really like in the end. Happy new year 2021. Fuck 2020.
> 
> by the way, I love Villaurrutia's poetry and that translation is close to the original one but if you have the opportunity to read and understand it in Spanish it's much more precious, here is the fragment in Spanish:
> 
> cae mi voz  
> y mi voz que madura  
> y mi voz quemadura  
> y mi bosque madura  
> y mi voz quema dura


	7. I’ve been carrying bricks

> _ That’s funny! there’s blood on my chest _
> 
> _ oh yes, I’ve been carrying bricks _
> 
> _ what a funny place to rupture! _
> 
> **—Mayakovsky, Frank O’Hara**

Katya had time to let life flow and realize that she needed to relax and start doing something new. She hadn't tried something new in a long time, she wanted to change and stop thinking so much about Trixie. After not going out that Friday with her friends, she had a difficult weekend, she started to watch Queer eye on her laptop all night, she watched the show and felt nothing, every now and then her mind tried to return to what she was feeling she concentrated on the moment and returned to Queer eye. There were points where she was checking Twitter while watching the show and thus avoiding thinking about anything at all, it felt good not thinking about anything. Her head started to hurt around 6 in the morning and thought that Jinkx hadn't arrived and she had no message from her. She was so groggy and wanted to rest because she felt tired but it seemed like her mind was running a marathon, she generally hated using her phone at bedtime and thought about it while that Friday night she fell asleep watching Queer eye on her computer and feeling heavy, thinking about how all her friends were having fun and how Trixie and John were there and the scene was starting to get more horrible right before she fell asleep. On Saturday she woke up with the same tragic feeling and saw Jinkx asleep in her bed and her computer open without battery, she connected it to charge and spent the weekend watching Queer eye, on Saturday she changed to her most decent pajamas and so accompanied Jinkx to get food but from there on out she spent het time lying in her bed wanting to forget that she existed and that she had a life outside of that room that she would have to return to said life on Monday. When Monday arrived Katya didn't want to get out of bed, she promised Bianca and herself to return as good as new but she don't know if she felt ready, she had fallen asleep again at 6 and got up at 7 with her alarms but she preferred to sleep another hour, she remembered rolling around in bed as Jinkx got ready to go to class and she slept uncomfortably until she woke up around two o'clock when Jinkx came to the room, Katya ate and dined and finished all the Queer eye seasons and started watching The good place even though it made her think a lot.

Going back to class filled Katya with fear, it was one thing to disappear from her friends for 3 days, another thing to get behind on school because she didn't feel well, she couldn't miss it and that weighed on her, she had to deliver the advance of the final work of the Miss Michaels class, she couldn't allow herself to feel so bad she couldn't function. On Tuesday she woke up with her alarm and decided not to go to class again, the thought of being in love with Trixie and her rejection when she found out filled her with fear and she didn't want to leave her room, she felt dizzy every time she got up just to go to the bathroom and when she also skipped class on Wednesday when Jinkx asked her in the morning if she felt okay and she answered yes and went back to sleep, her sleep wasn't restful and she woke up abruptly when she felt her shoulder being shaken.

"Katya! You have to get up,” Jinkx was saying as she shook her. "It's three in the afternoon and you missed all your classes again, I brought you food, get up."

And with that Katya got up feeling guilty for the worried look on Jinkx's face, it was worse when she sat on the bed and realized that Sasha was standing behind Jinkx and also looked worried.

"We got macaroni and cheese and pizza, let's eat," Sasha said, trying to smile but her forehead still looked tight.

"Yeah, I'll just go to the bathroom, quick," Katya said, staggering up from her bed. Her vision was blurred and shee almost fell while trying to open the door but once in the bathroom she looked at herself in the mirror trying to make herself look more decent, she hadn't taken a shower since the previous Friday and when she looked in the mirror she hardly recognized her face, her hair was battered and stood up everywhere. She pulled her bangs to the side and lifted what she could of her hair into a ponytail before splashing her face with cold water, and exiting the bathroom feeling like she was making a great effort. She knew she looked bad and probably smelled bad but when she came out she was met by worried stares from her friends who saw her as she sat on her bed and ate the pizza and macaroni they offered her without actually tasting them because she was so nervous. She wanted to appear fine in front of them and not say anything so as not to worry them but she felt a lump in her throat that asked her to speak.

"We've missed you in class," Sasha smiled, sitting down on Jinkx's bed. Katya stared at her, unable to avoid thinking that what she was saying was a lie, Katya didn't contribute much to her friends and she knew that Sasha said it to be nice, she smiled at her after swallowing her food. "Miss Michaels asked about you, yesterday we talked about our final work with her."

Katya felt she just had to worry about something else with her Introduction to Literary Analysis class work. Then she thought about Trixie's rejection and the worried looks from her friends and she felt a terrible urge to cry, she definitely wanted to be watching The good place instead of finding herself in this situation where her friends analyzed all her movements as if she were going to break, and she thought that probably she could break at that moment, she felt that she was carrying a lot on her shoulders, Leaves of Grass, Trixie, the discovery of her sexuality, Miss Michaels final work, the palpable concern of her friends, the feeling of not being able to speak and the feeling of exhaustion were so overwhelming that she felt like crying as she held the gaze of a very worried Jinkx.

"What's wrong, Katya?" Jinkx asked, but her throat felt so tight it felt impossible to speak.

"Nothing," she managed to say, keeping the words deep in her throat and blinked until her eyes were dry. She put down her finished plate of food and smirked at her friends. "Do you want to watch The good place?"

The rest of that Wednesday Sasha stayed with Jinkx and Katya watching The Good Place and saw her making extremely intellectual comments that left Katya pondering ethics and morals. She stopped looking at the screen for a moment, she looked around her room, Jinkx had her wall full of cutouts from magazines and paintings and Katya remembered her side, she had some photos on the wall but she hadn't had time to put the rest of her pictures up, the decorations, then she thought of Sasha who was working on publishing in a magazine and wrote creative texts all the time, then she thought that she had ignored her poetry, since June she had only written Perestroika, then she thought of the Yoga classes that she had always wanted take and had never taken because of laziness? Katya thought she wasn't doing anything, she thought she was an empty vase, yes, of course, she was in love with Trixie and what else? She thought she was losing herself, she immediately felt like doing something, she realized she was stuck, she wanted to move, she wanted to change, and she decided she would. She ended the episode and apologized to her friends to take a shower, after changing her clothes, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair and putting on face cream she felt better, lying next to her friends in the bed she had made after her shower she felt comfortable, Sasha said goodbye around 8 o'clock and Katya fell asleep around one o'clock, sleeping with The good place still playing but with a clearer head than the last few days.

When she woke up the next day the moment she opened her eyes and focused them on the ceiling, she remembered key words to worry about: Trixie, rejection, and school. She didn't let stress stop her from getting out of bed, she wanted to do things differently. She chose her outfit avoiding dark colors, blue long-sleeved dress with red converse, she thought it looked ridiculous but when she finished putting on her red matte lipstick she thought she wasn't worried about that, when she had to rescue her phone from where it was resting ignored on her desk, she was scared by the messages that she had missed in recent days, she calmed down thinking that if there was something urgent Jinkx would have told her because they were literally in the same group of friends and when she unlocked her cell phone she found the notifications she expected; 329 messages from the festival chat that her friends actually used like a normal chat group, she checked them over and they were not at all interesting, 4 messages from Sasha, she was surprised to see messages from Bianca asking her in capital letters where she was, she also had messages from Violet, Adore and Bob asking if she planned to go back to school. What stopped her heart were 20 messages from Trixie, the first were photos that Katya didn't open, the text messages were the ones that made her smile, at least it seemed that Trixie had not forgotten or resented her. That confirmed to Katya that Trixie was more precious than she thought.

_ Tuesday _

**Trixie:**

[photo of a red scarf]

it reminded me of you

Jinkx says you don't feel good

she won't let me go visit you :(

Katya, come home

Do you get it? Like in that episode of Spongebob

_ Wednesday _

Katyaaaa the department is very boring without you

Who else is going to make strange references?

Jinkx again won't let me visit you

But I saw her agree with Sasha to go

[selfie of Trixie in a yellow dress in a changing room]

IM buying clothes

I wish you were here even though you wouldn't be useful

You would probably go find clothes for yourself, bitch

I saw a dress that you would like

Then we could come for it

And Katya felt her heart beat faster and squeeze because of how beautiful Trixie's messages seemed to her. She was a bit worried because Trixie had realized that Jinkx didn't let her go to her room, Jinkx was getting ready to leave and seeing her smile she smiled back at her, Katya wondered what she would think if she knew that she was smiling about messages from Trixie. She said goodbye to her roommate and left with a smile, on the way she was listening to Lorde and thinking about whether to respond to Trixie but she felt calm, she felt that answering her would disturb her tranquility so she didn't.

Returning was easier than she had been led to believe, her friends acted as if nothing had happened, only Adore asked some questions but when she saw that Katya evaded them, she only welcomed her hug. Talking to Trixie was difficult, but she also just hugged her and didn't mention her ignored text messages, didn't mention anything, just talked and joked with her about how ugly her blue dress was and how good she looked despite that. Even catching up on her final work was easy, Miss Michaels gave her until Friday to get a topic. What was difficult was changing.

Katya moved through life by sheer force of will, but that time that she wanted to propose to change was difficult, she felt that will power wasn't enough when she woke up every day feeling sad. There were days when she finished classes, finished her time with her friends and returned to cry in her bathroom, and despite having horrible and negative thoughts she thought she wanted to improve, she wanted to move on.

An important step for her was signing up for Yoga classes at a center that she discovered on Facebook, she felt brave asking for information and especially signing up. She bought a pink mat that looked very comfortable and waited anxiously for the Tuesday that her weekly classes began, she went to her first class and returned to her bedroom disappointed, she had only sweated a lot and had stretched a lot without her mind relaxing.

"I'm not sure if I'll go to my yoga class again, I don't feel like it was of any use to me, I was hoping for more," Katya told Trixie one Tuesday morning over coffee that Sasha brought to Katya.

"You can't quit now, you were so excited! You even bought your mat," Trixie said after taking a sip of her coffee and making an expression of disgust because she didn't like coffee and Katya didn't know why she kept drinking it. Katya shrugged, she had already talked to Trixie a lot about this and she hadn't been able to cheer her up. "How about I go with you? I hate exercise, but maybe if I go you won't stop going."

"No," Katya said, feeling a sudden fear that must have shown on her face but that she couldn't explain to Trixie. "Come with me to dye my hair on Saturday." Even though she wasn't in love with yoga, Katya had realized that it was the only moment she had for herself, it was the only place where her feelings for Trixie felt less real and heavy and having her there stretching next to her would give her no peace of mind.

"You're still going red? I thought you had already decided that you wanted to be blonde forever,” Trixie said confused. Katya had surprised her friends a few weeks ago when she told them that she was going to dye her hair red, she had made that decision in an effort to push herself to change even more and had made an appointment at a cosmetician but got scared at the last minute and moved the appointment to think better of it and had come to the conclusion that she would remain blonde but now platinum. She explained that to Trixie and she nodded. "Well, see you on Saturday."

So Katya continued in her Yoga classes that after the third lesson she was delighted, she had suddenly become one of those people who talked about yoga and movements to her friends even when she didn't know anything, she surprised herself when one day after school she was talking to Bob in the hallway and she invited him to classes after he told her that he was feeling very overwhelmed lately and he immediately accepted, the two were on the way to class and started to form a friendship that made her feel less alone, they didn't have so much in common but that made them come together, they compared their life experiences and it seemed on a level of weirdness they were very similar and that is why they could laugh together. Jinkx was nice and she was her roommate, she was also a very good friend but Katya always felt insecure that they were only friends because they shared a room, she liked Trixie and that's why sometimes it was difficult to tell her things, Sasha and Bob became in people with whom she allowed herself to flow totally. Time passed and her yoga routine with Bob was so established that she didn't even notice it anymore, she had forgotten that she hadn't told Trixie so as not to hurt her feelings for that time she rejected her, but one day the two of them were in the Trixie library on a Tuesday working on her final assignments, Katya had brought her mat and was dressed in her sportswear to go straight from there to class. Trixie was working on a sentence analysis and Katya was writing the introduction to her essay from Miss Michaels's class.

"What's another word to say dreamy?" Katya asked Trixie, but as Trixie opened her mouth to answer Katya's cell phone vibrated with a call and you could see Bob's name on the screen and Trixie stopped for her to answer, Katya smiled at Bob's habit of calling instead of texting. "Miss The drag queen… I'm at the library with Trixie, will you come over here? Well ... Yes, today we'll practice breathing ... See you."

Trixie looked closely at Katya and when she hung up the call she continued looking at her, she seemed to be waiting for something and Katya didn't know what it was, she looked back confused until she cleared her throat and looked away.

"Are you going to see Bob?" Trixie asked feigning disinterest, she was playing with her pen between her fingers and Katya raised her eyebrows because the question seemed so loaded.

"Yes, we'll go to yoga class," Katya said, deciding to answer honestly, shrugged before returning to her laptop and remembering that she still didn't have a word for dreamy, she asked Trixie again but when she looked at her her gesture was disconcerted, she didn't look brutally sad but it seemed as if Katya had missed a second of her reaction and that's why she didn't understand the meaning of it, she tried not to panic while Trixie was still playing with the pen between her fingers.

"A synonym for dreamy would be fantasy," Trixie said in a sour tone. Katya thanked her and continued writing looking at her from the corner of her eye, she returned to her own notes a moment later.

Trixie fled the moment they met Bob and Katya was thoughtful by her strange behavior. On their way to class Bob was talking non-stop about a book he was reading in his Roman Literature class and Katya kept thinking, she was connecting the dots of Trixie's reaction and yoga but she didn't understand. She thought about talking it over with Bob but he still didn't know that she liked Trixie and she didn't know if this was the perfect time to tell her.

"So he ended up happy because Zeus got his wife pregnant and Hercules was born from there," Bob said before letting himself laugh uncontrollably and Katya laughed because his laugh made her laugh and she let herself forget.

Katya had forgotten that incident, she continued to act normal with Trixie and she seemed normal too, maybe a little quieter but Katya barely spoke because they were in finals and she thought that everyone was under the same stress. They kept seeing each other from time to time but Trixie barely talked about what she did as she usually told Katya, she just talked about superficial things like homework and her clothes and even Jinkx and Dela who almost officially seemed like girlfriends. Katya was surprised that Trixie didn't talk about John, it had been a couple of weeks since the last time she had told her where she had gone with John and she was curious even though it seemed sick to her.

"How is Jonh?" She dared to ask one day while they were sitting eating in the garden. Trixie stopped the bite of her vegan lasagna before it reached her mouth and looked at her curiously, she looked so surprised that Katya blushed and thought she had screwed up something, she quickly thought about how to fix it. "You haven't mentioned him much lately, not that you usually mention him too much but lately you've done it less than usual."

And she knew she hadn't fixed anything because Trixie looked tense as she put down her lasagna and seemed to be mentally preparing to talk.

"We haven't seen each other because of finals, you know, the schedules and stuff," she said, acting like those wives who apologized on behalf of her husband for not going to the family dinner, she even made the same fake laugh at the end that Katya had seen in her aunts and that worried her. "I don't know, he and I have been weird lately."

"Weird?" Katya asked, feeling nervous and frozen with nerves but willing to help Trixie in whatever way she could.

"Because… I don't know, we need something, I suppose to see each other," that was all Trixie replied before shrugging and continuing to eat.

That concern was added to Katya's list of worries, some nights when she couldn't sleep she remembered that Trixie was tense with her boyfriend and she thought about how to help her, she thought about what she could say or what she should have answered at the time she told her. She felt powerless and only took out her frustration by writing poems, she had set out to write at least a poem a week and it was going quite well, all her poems had heartbreak themes and they were quite gay, or so Sasha said.

"I love your poetry, Kat," Sasha said a day after reading the new poem she had shown her. "But, and don't take it the wrong way, I think you are writing excellent but unconsciously, if you wrote more consciously your poems would be… everything."

And that advice stayed with Katya, almost to calm down she began to think about her poems and how she built them, she began to be more ambitious with metaphors and images and they were getting shorter and shorter and each time they talked about more diverse topics, she wrote many about the discovery of her sexuality and some where suddenly some image of Trixie slipped in that she tried to mislead but Sasha always squinted when she read something about blonde hair, vintage clothes and pink in her poems. Suddenly she had many more poems than she expected and she didn't know what to do with them, she would reread them and she felt proud but she didn't know what to do.

"Bitch, sign up for the Student Forum with like, two poems and voila," Bob told her as if it were obvious. Katya told him she didn't know what he meant and Bob smiled. "I forget that you are new, the Student Forum is literally that, a congress where English and linguistics students present their essays and literary creations, you submit your work, the committee decides and in February is the forum, I think in December the call is opened."

And the call did open in December, the same week that Katya had to submit her final essay and was stressed out working on the last corrections that the teacher had indicated. She nearly missed the date if it hadn't been for Trixie.

_ 08:09 _

**Trixie:**

Katya, please don't forget to send your work to the call

closes today at twelve

we should send it together

I'll call you

And so by videocall, each one sent their work to the indicated mail at around 11 o'clock and they laughed excitedly at the results that would be published until January. For the moment Trixie told her that she would cross that off her To-do list and Katya felt heat expand through her chest when Trixie asked her:

"Have you finished your essay? I wrote down that and your report on that Greek literature class to remind you not to forget them."

"I've already handed in the report, I'll deliver the report tomorrow," and so Katya saw Trixie cross the report off her list and they both laughed. "That is very virgo of you, Barbara."

Katya's final essay was titled: "The Apology to the Fantasy of the Idealized Romance in Rickard Siken's Crush and the Unfolding of Contemporary LGBTQ + Poetry" she had decided to focus on that topic when she remembered that in high school she read that collection of poems and it seemed the best thing in the world, now it was assumed that she was forming a critical eye and when she analyzed it she found many topics and references that she hadn't understood before, she was delighted to analyze it. Miss Michaels told her it was a good topic and she was able to discuss it a lot with Dela who seemed to know a lot about LGBTQ + poetry, even more than Sasha, she passed her some poets or articles with which Katya was able to lay the groundwork for her eight page essay of the that she was somewhat proud.

_ 12:23 _

**Katya:**

I already handed my essay

you can cross it off your list

12:30

Trixie:

[photo from your To-do list with everything crossed out]

Let's go for a capitalist coffee on Friday which is my day off

it's on me

The semester ended not with a bang, but with a groan. Trixie and Katya had coffee and made plans that Katya would go see Trixie off at the airport because she was leaving for Wisconsin on Monday because Katya was leaving for Boston on Tuesday. Katya didn't even realize when she was tidying up her entire room, she thought she should feel sentimental but she was laughing talking to Jinkx while doing it and she barely noticed that she was leaving her room empty. Saying goodbye to Trixie was difficult, hugging her for the last time in a month, making an effort to remember all her details while her boyfriend waited awkwardly next to her to board, Trixie gave her a kiss on the cheek and promised to keep her updated on Wisconsin .

"See you, Barbara" was the last thing Trixie said to her before dragging her pink suitcases behind her and away from Katya, Jinkx was also there to say goodbye to Trixie and she had hug Katya as if she felt pity and Katya just let herself enjoy the hug a little.

Katya took advantage of the trip home to read two books, finally Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman and then Carol by Patricia Highsmiths, which Dela had loaned her. She sent pictures to Trixie that she would get when she landed, funny phrases or phrases that made her think. Coming home and hugging her parents after almost half a year felt comforting, as if she had returned to her starting point and could finally start over.

"Your hair… you look very intellectual," her mother said touching the platinum blonde hair that barely reached her daughter's shoulders. Katya smiled at her and hugged her again as she looked around her house, she looked the same as she remembered it but the dimensions felt different. She went upstairs and her room seemed unmoved by her absence, it looked like her mom had kept it clean and that made her feel warm. Her sister Marina received her looking different, she was two years younger than Katya and she always changed her look, now she had her hair dyed black and was wearing chokers that she had stolen from her room, Marina congratulated her on her haircut and then scolded her for not sending her more photos to see how her look had changed.

She got along quite well with her family, she could talk about anything and joke like she was among her friends, it had always been like that and she didn't remember how much she missed it until she was telling her mom about Trixie and she was asking questions that really interested her about her friend.

"So she looks like this," Katya said after showing a photo of Trixie to her mom. "But she's very weird, almost like a stand-up comedian, but studying linguistics."

And her family would listen to her talk about Trixie and her teachers and Bob and Jinkx and Sasha and the rest of her friends and they made an effort to listen, Katya was so relaxed that it almost slipped out of her mind to say that she was in love with Trixie and had realized that she was bisexual. But she was scared to think about how her perfectly normal, Catholic family would react so she said nothing. Daily she spoke with Trixie and they told each other what they had done in their hometowns, on Christmas night Katya sent her a photo of her totally black outfit and she sent her back a photo where her whole family was in, including John. Katya thought that maybe she examined the photo a lot but after zooming in on Trixie's black dress and consequently seeing John's face she thought that he fit in with her family, he looked calm and adapted. She spent Christmas night thinking, she didn't know exactly what she was thinking because they seemed like many things, her older sister Irina was at home accompanied by her perfect husband, she thought about them while thinking about Trixie while thinking about what she wanted to tell everyone, she began to have difficulty breathing when she realized she was in the closet.

On Christmas Eve she went to bed early and got up around three o'clock to look at the ceiling for a moment and burst into tears because she had come so far to think that because she liked women she could never have a “normal” life, she could never have what her sister Ire had, she could never have anything and she would live miserable because it was very difficult to be anything that wasn't straight. She spent the whole week between Christmas and New Years in an extremely exhausting state of mind, her mind was going crazy thinking about all the alternate futures and how everything could turn out bad, how her life would be ruined and nothing would make sense, she would never have her moment "gay and proud”, she felt that she was always going to feel this miserable and thought maybe she should follow Bianca's advice and completely forget about Trixie and so she thought about ignoring her messages but couldn't do it because the night she decided to do it she sent her some messages that made her cry.

_ 12:24 _

**Trixie:**

2020 is starting and I started to think about the best of my 2019

You were definitely one of the best things of my 2019

I love you so much, bitch

Katya had only two weeks of vacation left and after ignoring all her friends except Trixie to whom she always replied hours later because she took too long to think about what to reply, she received a message from Juju who she hadn't spoken well with in a long time, probably since the middle of the semester, the group between Juju, Courtney and her had been death for a long time.

_ 09:24 _

**Juju:**

Court and I will go for coffee

do you want to come?

same as always 😳

_ 09:30 _

**Katya:**

I'll see you there

She left her home with a purpose that occurred to her the moment she responded to the invitation. She had changed clothes, showered and combed her hair, surprising her family because she managed to leave her room and walked to the cafe where in high school she always met his friends, on the way she prepared because she was going to come out of the closet, she had made the decision because she arrived to the conclusion that if she would do it with someone she would do it with Jujubee and Courtney who knew her for basically, all her life, they would be the least judgmental. She felt nervous, she had put on her lucky red coat and when she greeted them and they ordered their coffee, she thought that everything was still the same, they started conversations easily and they looked identical to how she remembered them, it was almost as if she had returned to just a few months ago and still not off to college.

"I wanted to tell you something," Katya said suddenly, breaking a short silence. "I like women. I am bisexual."

She was smiling feigning confidence, pretending to be completely proud. But her friends didn't react as she expected, the two were silent and looked at her without an expression on their faces, Jujubee seemed the most interested and was the one who smiled uncomfortably, Katya was ready to talk or fight.

"How did you realize?" Juju asked, crossing her legs, she looked extremely uncomfortable and Courtney cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"I always had the vibes, but I was able to confirm it because I fell for a girl at college," she answered and then took a sip of her coffee without knowing what else to do, she felt that she had made a bad decision when telling her friends.

"That's great, do you have a thing with that girl?" Juju asked and Katya shook her head, she hadn't thought she would explain this.

"She's my friend, she has a boyfriend."

"Oh well, I hope it turns out well" she smiled at her and Katya smiled back because it seemed like a hopelessly honest moment. Juju had already relaxed and continued drinking her coffee, but Courtney's silence bothered her, she didn't know what she expected but she didn't expect that indifference.

"A week ago I had a cold," Courtney said suddenly.

"Oh and how did it go?" Jujubee asked and Katya looked between the two with a frown. She almost felt bad for asking this, but was that all? Would Courtney say nothing? Had she done something wrong? She felt upset and offended, she didn't know if she made the right decision but she left her coffee money in the center of the table and left without saying goodbye as Courtney continued speaking with indifference.

When she returned home, she watched the snow mold to the footsteps of her boots, she began to cry feeling the cold run through her and felt incredibly frustrated, she couldn't bear this, she couldn't bear having to constantly come out of the closet and be treated as she was treated by her best friends. She felt weak and when she got home she didn't bother to hide her tears, she thought that in the same way no one would see her because they would all be in the living room and she would pass behind them to go up the stairs, while she went up the stairs a sob escaped and she ran to her room so she could finally cry in peace.

"Kat, what do you think of...? Kat, are you okay? " she heard her sister Ira open the door to her room while she had her face nailed to her pillow and sobbed because she couldn't answer. "Oh no, I'm going to get closer."

And her sister hugged her and it was a feeling of calm between the storm she felt inside her and in front of the rejection that was expected from Ira when she found out that she was bisexual, she knew deep down that her sister wouldn't reject her but while she cried on her neck felt filled with concern and she thought that she shouldn't have to feel that way, she thought of all the tragic closet outings she saw in the movies and she didn't know why she thought hers would have to be like that, she was so scared that she was tired.

"I like women, Ira" she said without being able to contain it, his sister didn't stop stroking his hair or moved away from her. "I like a girl who is my friend and has a boyfriend."

Ira took her by the chin and raised her face to meet her eyes, Katya was expecting a scold or disgust and she was crying louder just thinking about it but Ira didn't look upset, she didn't look happy either, she just looked like her older sister always did.

"And what?" she asked, caressing her cheek.

"I have felt very bad and I haven't been able to tell you because I am afraid that you'll reject me, I just told Juju and Court and they ignored me, she literally acted as if I hadn't said anything, it was pathetic."

"I guess on the positive side at least you came out of the closet, and on the other positive side you realized that Courtney is not a good friend, which I don't want to say but I did tell you."

And Katya had always thought that when someone in her family knew that she was bisexual, all her problems would be solved, that everything would immediately turn out fine and everything would be fixed, and despite the fact that she relaxed a lot when knowing that her older sister accepted her as she was, she realized that the problem of coming out was only a part of the bigger problem, she wasn't well in general, she hadn't feel well or whole for months and while she was hiding again in her sister's neck she thought that she had to do a real change to feel better, she could no longer bear feeling bad with a new haircut, she was already tired of feeling that way. She would come out to her parents and take the two weeks she had left to recover, she looked around her room and saw lying in the corner of her room the agenda and notebook that her mom had given her for Christmas but she had ignored because they made her feel more stressed about the future, she decided that she was no longer going to ignore them and she decided that she needed to go to the therapy.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> A while ago I published a draft of this and I have been working on it, I thought I could get a lot more out of this story so I started planning it and writing it and I already have another whole chapter written, I have loved writing this.
> 
> This story was based on the fact that in the online school a classmate had a profile picture of Katya and a teacher asked her if it was her and a friend and I found it so funny to imagine Katya studying English. So here is a very different version of the original idea.
> 
> Sorry for the translation errors, I tried before I gave up.


End file.
